Frank Martin puts the driving gloves on to deliver Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of a Ukrainian government official, from Marseilles to Odessa on the Black Sea. En route, he has to contend with thugs who want to intercept Valentina's safe delivery and not let his personal feelings get in the way of his dangerous objective.
Ex-con Jensen Ames is forced by the warden of a notorious prison to compete in our post-industrial world's most popular sport: a car race in which inmates must brutalize and kill one another on the road to victory.
Mei, a young girl whose memory holds a priceless numerical code, finds herself pursued by the Triads, the Russian mob, and corrupt NYC cops. Coming to her aid is an ex-cage fighter whose life was destroyed by the gangsters on Mei's trail.
A thief with a unique code of professional ethics is double-crossed by his crew and left for dead. Assuming a new disguise and forming an unlikely alliance with a woman on the inside, he looks to hijack the score of the crew's latest heist.
Mr. Church reunites the Expendables for what should be an easy paycheck, but when one of their men is murdered on the job, their quest for revenge puts them deep in enemy territory and up against an unexpected threat.
Bishop thought he had put his murderous past behind him, until his most formidable foe kidnaps the love of his life. Now he is forced to complete three impossible assassinations, and do what he does best: make them look like accidents.
Tommy Lee Jones
Chev Chelios survives a fall from the sky, sort of. He's in an unknown location, sedated, while various Chinese are harvesting his organs. His heart is gone, in an ice chest; a temporary in its place. Chev escapes, knowing only the name of the guy with the ice chest. He calls Doc Miles, an unlicensed cardiologist, who tells him there's only an hour's life in the artificial heart: keep it charged. Chev needs to find his own heart and get to Doc for a transplant. He starts his time-limited pursuit of shadowy figures, the ice chest, and his heart aided by Eve, Rei, and Venus - a stripper, a prostitute, and a pal with Tourette's - constantly needing an electric charge to keep going.Written by
The Concerned Man who is seen very briefly asking Chelios if he's okay is played by UFC mixed martial artist Keith Jardine. Jardine is wearing a shirt that says "MEAN 1". This is appropriate as Jardine's in-ring nickname is "The Dean Of Mean". See more »
When Venus gets thrown out of the Don Kim's limo, there is a white Honda Accord stopped next to a green car. In the next shot, Venus jumps on the same green car, but the Honda is gone. See more »
In a story so bizarre I can scarcely believe the event I'm reporting, and yet corroborated by at least a dozen eye witnesses. A white male apparently fell from the sky above downtown Los Angeles today, landed in the middle of a busy intersection, destroying one vehicle and hospitalising its elderly driver,and then was removed from the scene even before emergency personnel could respond. Without a body the police have yet to piece together the events of the day.It can only be ...
See more »
Outakes are shown during the end credits. See more »
Quite possibly the silliest movie ever made. I'm pretty sure these guys set out to make the ultimate mindless action flick and they succeeded brilliantly IMO. I've never seen anything like it before. IMDb claims the budget was $20M, although that seems like quite a stretch. But there is about $1B worth of craziness in it. The makers didn't hold anything back - no restraint whatsoever and it's amazing. Anyone looking to be offended will be. Guaranteed. I've heard of people walking out of movies but this is the first time I ever saw it happen. I wonder if they asked for their $$$ back. I'm pretty sure the theaters are covered from giving refunds; there's fine print on the tix or something.
Anyway, the opening credits are in video game form, which I now realize was a signal. Viewers need to forget reality, not just suspend disbelief in that routine movie kind of way. These guys throw everything they can think of up on the screen and I kept wondering what drugs they were using during filming. Maybe all of them. Also, there's something to irritate everybody. I really mean that; I don't think any insult or stereotype or slur was left out. Nothing offensive was held back that I could notice, although I've led a sheltered life.
Now here's the switch: it's hilarious and I mean laugh-out-loud funny from start to finish. I saw scenes I never saw before or ever expected to see. It starts out so unbelievably crazy that it's actually shocking (sorry) and then just keeps it up and keeps it going for the entire flick. Dark Chocolate's elaborate eye-roll sequence is one for the ages and is worth the price of admission all by itself.
Here's how funny it is: SpikeTV showed it and of course had to make countless cuts: not just the copious female nudity but the language and graphic violence and so on. Anyway, with all that gone it was still incredibly funny and astounding and just totally insane. The ending was a set-up for a sequel, same way the first "Crank" was, but I honestly don't see how they can top this one. Maybe I'm wrong; I sure hope so but it seems to me that they deliberately made it as wild as possible and didn't hold anything back.
One last word: it's not for everyone. I promise you'll either absolutely love it or thoroughly despise it. There will be no in-between for this one.
11 of 14 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful to you?
| Report this