This Is the End (2013)
Danny McBride: Hermione just stole all of our shit. And then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone. I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
James Franco: Your mama's pussy was the canvas. Your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art.
Jay Baruchel: Thanks, James Franco.
Jonah Hill: Dear God, it's me, Jonah Hill... from Moneyball.
Danny McBride: James Franco didn't suck any dick last night? Now I know ya'll are trippin'.
Jay Baruchel: I say unto the... the power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Oh, does it? Does it compel me?
Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Does it, Jay?
Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?
Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Guess what? It's not that compelling.
Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room
Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco: That's racist.
Danny McBride: You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody's dick. Jonah over here probably watched and jerked off.
[Taking inventory of the food and supplies at James Franco's house]
Seth Rogen: We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, half-ounce Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat, and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco: [correcting Seth] '127 Hours'.
Seth Rogen: Uh, 127 Hours. And a functioning revolver from the movie 'Flyboys'.
Danny McBride: What the fuck is wrong with you, Franco? You have iPad's all over the goddamn walls in your house, but you jack off like a fuckin' pilgrim!
James Franco: That's right man, I like to read!
Danny McBride: [Rapture light appears] What the fuck?
James Franco: Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Haha. Suck my dick!
[Rapture light disappears]
Jonah Hill: A huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll rescue Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me. If there's room, you guys will come.
Danny McBride: [from trailer] Seth, that's some of the better acting than I've seen in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in Green Hornet?
James Franco: I got to admit something... I fucked Lindsay Lohan. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont. She kept banging on my door. She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal. I said... call me the prince of Persia.
[an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them]
Santa Cannibal: [yells] Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!
[chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams]
Danny McBride: [on loudspeaker] STOP!
[Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other]
Jay Baruchel: Danny?
Danny McBride: [shocked] What the fuck? You guys are still alive?
Seth Rogen: Yeah!
Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that.
[tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV]
Danny McBride: Get...
[Danny pulls Channing over to him]
Jay Baruchel: Oh, Jesus.
Danny McBride: Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel: [confused] What does that have to do with us?
James Franco: What the fuck are you talking about?
Danny McBride: [chuckles] I'm a cannibal, hombre. We're gonna fuckin' eat your ass.
Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man!
Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.
[Channing drops down doggy-style]
Danny McBride: See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.
Channing Tatum: [takes his mask off] Hey, what's up, guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco: That's Channing Tatum.
Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?
Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch
[Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away]
Danny McBride: Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".
James Franco: Hardcore, man.
James Franco: [while being robbed] I'm not gonna shoot Emma Watson!
James Franco: We're actors! We bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel: Yeah but we don't do it for free. We get paid handsomely much higher than the average professional.
Jay Baruchel: I don't wanna die at James Franco's house.
Seth Rogen: Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
Jay Baruchel: Oh for fucks sake...
Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.
[Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]
James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?
Seth Rogen: Did what? What are you talking about?
James Franco: Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
Danny McBride: [Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.
James Franco: Why?
Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
James Franco: Real fuckin' smart answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?
Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.
James Franco: What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?
Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!
Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
James Franco: You don't cum on my stuff!
Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!
James Franco: I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin' madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!
[Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
Danny McBride: [Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
James Franco: This, no more, man! All over your fuckin' face!
Danny McBride: All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!
James Franco: If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!
Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
Jay Baruchel: Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?
Seth Rogen: Uh, I would love to, but I'm on a... I can't really eat that stuff right now. I'm on a... I'm on this cleanse.
Jay Baruchel: You're on a what?
Seth Rogen: I'm on a cleanse.
Jay Baruchel: [laughs] What?
Seth Rogen: It's good for you. You're supposed to take six shits a day.
Jay Baruchel: That's not true, you're supposed to shit twice a day.
Seth Rogen: No. That's not true. That's what they used to think, now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.
Jay Baruchel: So you're not drinking, you're not smoking weed?
Seth Rogen: Oh, no. I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed. I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic.
James Franco: The fucker's got to go! GO! The fucker's gots to go!
Emma Watson: Give me everything you have to drink!
Seth Rogen: There are six of us! You cannot rob us!
Emma Watson: I'm NOT fucking around!
Jonah Hill: So what have you guys been doing?
Seth Rogen: Oh we just hung out all day.
Jay Baruchel: Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, smoked about a fucking pound of weed, and played a bunch of video games.
Jonah Hill: Weed is tight, weed is tight. That's awesome.
Jay Baruchel: It's like the golfing sequence in Navy Seals.
Jonah Hill: Sick reference though bro.
Jay Baruchel: Oh thanks bud.
Jonah Hill: Dude, your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
Jay Baruchel: We could build a life here together, Craig. I'd be really good to you.
Michael Cera: Hey, does this coke smell funny?
[blows cocaine into Christopher's face]
Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Oh, fuck, Michael. I've never done cocaine.
Michael Cera: Well, you did the best shit possible for your first time.
Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel: That's weird.
James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
James Franco: [to Craig] I want one fifth of your t-shirt!
Jonah Hill: [trying to comprehend the previous night] Something, um, not-that-chill happened last night.
Craig Robinson: Ain't no party, like a no panty party, cause a no panty party don't stop!
Seth Rogen: Let's do all the drugs!
Jay Baruchel: I don't really want to.
[starts to drink water]
Seth Rogen: You should of thought of that before you drank a can full of Ecstasy.
Jay Baruchel: [spits water out] What?
Seth Rogen: [Pretending to be Gandalf/Ian McKellen] I'm a well-known homosexual advocate!
David Krumholtz: Jay! I can't hold on much longer. You have to reach out and grab me, you hear?
Jay Baruchel: Okay, uh, you take my hand and I'll swing you up!
David Krumholtz: You sure? I'm going to give you my whole weight.
Jay Baruchel: I'm gonna reach for you alright?
David Krumholtz: Are you sure you can do it?
Jay Baruchel: I can grab you. On three. One, two, three!
[They grab hands]
David Krumholtz: I'm gonna swing across!
Jay Baruchel: I got you buddy.
David Krumholtz: You're going to hold my weight, all of it.
Jay Baruchel: Okay! Come on!
David Krumholtz: You can hold on to my full weight?
Jay Baruchel: I can do it!
David Krumholtz: I don't want to die.
Jay Baruchel: One, two, three!
[Jay lets go and David falls to his death]
Craig Robinson: [crying] I tried to save Aziz, I did!
Michael Cera: [after a broken light post pierces through his chest] Is it bad?
Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ.
Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ? Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson: One of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson: Jesus and God is all the same.
Jay Baruchel: It's a trinity.
Craig Robinson: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Craig Robinson: Hey! Hey, asshole! Hey, come on! Pickle dick, demonic-looking motherfucker. Nobody's scared of you. You ain't a raccoon. Yeah, bring your ass, bitch. Nobody's scared of you. I'm Craig fucking Robinson! Yeah! I hope you like big dick, motherfucker, 'cause, I'm about to fuck you raw. For the last goddamn time! Take your panties off!
Craig Robinson: I would suck a dick for half a cracker!
Jonah Hill: This is no dream! This is really happening!
James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!
Jonah Hill: [possessed] You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of kingdom come. Judgment Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beams disappears; James falls back down on the ground to the evil amazement of the cannibals and the disappointment of Seth and Jay]
Seth Rogen: Oh, shit.
Jay Baruchel: Shit!
James Franco: [horrified] What happened? What did I do? Take me back! What did I DO?
Danny McBride: I'll tell you what happened, Franco. You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.
[the cannibals gang up on the now-doomed James]
Danny McBride: You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
James Franco: [last word] What?
[Danny takes a huge bite into James' nose, with Channing joining in; James screams in horrible pain as Seth and Jay can do nothing but watch in sheer horror and disgust]
Danny McBride: [screaming; a crazed Danny holds up James' ripped-off nose] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?
[Danny shrieks as the cannibals gang up and fatally eat James up to his death]
Danny McBride: Seth! JAY!
[Three cannibals give chase to Set and Jay, presumably to finish the job and keep them completely fed]
Jay Baruchel: Oh, shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen: Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run!
Danny McBride: BRING THEM TO ME!
Christopher Mintz-Plasse: I never fuckin' done cocaine, dude.
Michael Cera: [after everyone at James Franco's party runs outside and sees that the Hollywood Hills are engulfed in flames] Wait, wait, wait! Everybody listen up! Listen up! Who took my fucking cell phone man? Martin empty your pockets!
Martin Starr: What?
Michael Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man! Somebody dial my phone! Shut the fuck up! Unbelievable! It's unacceptable after all the coke I've wasted on you people!
Seth Rogen: No one took your fucking cell phone...
Michael Cera: [the ground begins to crack under Michael's feet] Three! Two! One! Zero!
Seth Rogen: [a light pole begins to fall towards Michael] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Michael! Michael! Michael!
[the light pole crashes through Michael's chest]
James Franco: Dude look helicopters, helicopter, the good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine
[Helicopter crashes and propeller flies through window and sticks into wall next to Craig]
Craig Robinson: [Screaming and jumping] Goddamn, Goddamn
James Franco: You okay?
Craig Robinson: No I'm not okay.
[Shows finger with small scratch and blood]
Craig Robinson: Fuck yo house Franco
James Franco: My house didn't do that
[the guys are debating whether or not to let a stranger into the house]
James Franco: [whispering] I know it sounds really weird, but... I don't think we should let him in.
Jay Baruchel: Why not?
Headless Man: Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.
James Franco: I'm sorry, we just don't know you, man. You could be, like, a looter or a, a rapist or a tittyfucker, like...
[Seth grabs his chest protectively]
James Franco: ... I'm sorry. Look, guys, we just boarded up this whole house to keep everyone out, and the first guy who comes to the door, we're gonna let him in? I mean, how do we know we can trust this guy?
Headless Man: I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!
Danny McBride: "Agagaga-fuckin'-crazy-out-here!" This guy fuckin' sucks.
James Franco: What if he's the rapist?
Jonah Hill: Man, even if he is a rapist, he can't rape all of us.
Headless Man: [panicking] Yeah, no, I'm not a rapist!
Seth Rogen: You gonna tittyfuck us?
Headless Man: [almost in tears] If you want me to tittyfuck you, I will, so good, oh, you'll love it!
Jay Baruchel: Seth, back me up, please, we can't just leave him out there to die, are you crazy?
James Franco: [to Seth] What do you wanna do? I'll do whatever you wanna do.
Seth Rogen: Uh, let's vote on it!
Headless Man: Yeah, I fuckin' vote you let me in!
Danny McBride: Here's my vote: fuck all of you, I'm letting him in. This is boring.
[the guys all shout and rush to stop him; something growls outside]
Headless Man: There's something out here!
[the thing outside suddenly chops the man's head off, and the severed head bounces into the room, coming to a stop at Danny's feet]
Danny McBride: [in shock] This is real! This is fucking real!
[he kicks the head at James, who kicks it away from him immediately. The guys all start screaming and kicking the head around the room to get away from it]
Jonah Hill: You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!
James Franco: Pick it up, Jonah.
[Jonah picks up the head and immediately drops it again as blood gushes out of it]
Danny McBride: What the fuck is going on?
Jonah Hill: He blinked at me! He blinked at me!
James Franco: Put it over there!
[quivering in fear, Craig throws a blanket over the head]
Jonah Hill: [as Woody Harrelson] I have to do what's right, weed is for the people, it's the peoples weed.
Danny McBride: Franco, you're just a pretentious fucking nerd.
James Franco: Fuck you!
Danny McBride: And Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.
Craig Robinson: Bro...
Danny McBride: And Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen: What?
Danny McBride: And of course there's Jay... the self-righteous, cocksucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel: What the fuck are you talking about?
Craig Robinson: Dude, Segel's dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera's dead...
Danny McBride: I guess if Michael Cera's dead it's not a total loss, huh?
Jay Baruchel: [after encountering Satan] Oh, you've got to be fucking SHITTING me!
Seth Rogen: Danny, no! Don't walk away! Danny, don't walk away from me!
Danny McBride: [continuing to walk away] It's too late, Seth! I've already walked away too much!
Seth Rogen: No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fucking turn around and come back and help me.
Emma Watson: Look at him, he's like a hipster. Right?
Jay Baruchel: No. No, I'm not a hipster. At all.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, you do seem to hate a lot of things and the bottom of your pants are awful tight.
Jay Baruchel: No, I just... I don't like Los Angeles. That's it. It doesn't make me a hipster.
Craig Robinson: I bet you hate movies that are universally loved.
Jay Baruchel: I don't even...
Craig Robinson: You like Forrest Gump?
Jay Baruchel: No, no, it's a horrendous piece of shit...
Emma Watson: Life is like a box of chocolates? No?
Jay Baruchel: No, I'm familiar with it.
Craig Robinson: You never know what you're gonna get.
Jay Baruchel: There were people and they were there and they got... sucked up into the sky.
James Franco: Sucked up into the sky. Nobody got sucked up in here.
Michael Cera: I got sucked off here.
Danny McBride: [about Jay] If anyone's raping Emma Watson, it's fucking Sir-Rapes-A-Lot over here.
Danny McBride: I know why you guys don't fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It's cause I party so fucking hard. Always have. Ever since I was a baby, I wouldn't just suck on my mama's titties, I would fucking bang 'em and motorboat 'em. Everything I've been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I've just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.
James Franco: I'm sorry, alright. You can cum wherever you want.
Danny McBride: I don't even care about cumming anymore. Right now I'm just kind of into going.
Seth Rogen: Jay, are you serious right now? That's your fucking plan? You're gonna repeat lines from the exorcist?
Jay Baruchel: I would assume they did their fucking research.
Seth Rogen: It's a movie!
Jay Baruchel: It's a manual. It's a fucking training manual.
Seth Rogen: It's already going crazy out there, guys! We can't leave. I'm not leaving. Okay? I'm a victim! I've had a victim's mentality my whole life, people can smell it on me! When I was a kid, I had man titties. The bullies held me down, they titty fucked me!
James Franco: That's what's happening out there right now!
Craig Robinson: We are all soft.
Seth Rogen: Yeah.
Craig Robinson: We are all soft! We are actors, we pretend to be hard, man! We soft as baby shit!
James Franco: As baby shit!
[after a man gets his head cut off and everyone is freaking out and kicking his head around]
Jonah Hill: Stop! You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!
James Franco: Pick it up, Jonah!
[Jonah picks up the head and blood pours out and he drops it]
Jonah Hill: Oh, God! He blinked at me!
Jonah Hill: Guys, guys, guys. Jay's not rapey, Jay couldn't rape a fly.
Seth Rogen: [after falling through a hole in the house] I broke my ass in half.
James Franco: You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you would be more hydrated!
Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fucking punchline!
[after Jay punches Jonah]
James Franco: Jonah, you okay?
Jonah Hill: Yeah... his insides hurt worse than my outsides.
Craig Robinson: Yo, so, I just drank my own pee for the first time... and...
Craig Robinson: it ain't bad. I never thought to do it, I always thought, you know, pee stink, whatever, but... Shh.
[holds up a cocktail glass filled with pee]
Possessed Jonah Hill: [holding Seth down] I'm gonna titty fuck you, Seth.
Seth Rogen: Don't titty fuck me!
Possessed Jonah Hill: What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH THEM TOGETHER!
Jay Baruchel: [about to exorcise Jonah Hill] Jonah Hill.
Possessed Jonah Hill: Jonah Hill is no more.
Jay Baruchel: Demon!
Possessed Jonah Hill: Yes!
Seth Rogen: Fuck. That's not good.
[after finding James' secret stash of food]
Craig Robinson: What the fuck is all this, Franco?
James Franco: Uh... it looks like food! How'd that get there?
Seth Rogen: What? You have more food?
Craig Robinson: You knew he had extra food?
Seth Rogen: He gave me one cracker!
Craig Robinson: I would have sucked a dick for half a cracker!
James Franco: Alright, well, maybe I didn't want you to suck my dick, alright!
Craig Robinson: I didn't want to suck it! That's the point of what I said!