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This Is the End (2013) Poster

Quotes

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Danny McBride: Hermione just stole all of our shit. And then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone. I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.

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James Franco: Your mama's pussy was the canvas. Your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art.

Jay Baruchel: Thanks, James Franco.

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Jonah Hill: Dear God, it's me, Jonah Hill... from Moneyball.

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Danny McBride: James Franco didn't suck any dick last night? Now I know ya'll are trippin'.

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Jay Baruchel: I say unto the... the power of Christ compels you!

Possessed Jonah Hill: Oh, does it? Does it compel me?

Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!

Possessed Jonah Hill: Does it, Jay?

Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!

Possessed Jonah Hill: Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?

Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!

Possessed Jonah Hill: Guess what? It's not that compelling.

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Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room

Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco: That's racist.

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Danny McBride: You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody's dick. Jonah over here probably watched and jerked off.

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[Taking inventory of the food and supplies at James Franco's house]

Seth Rogen: We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, half-ounce Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat, and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.

James Franco: [correcting Seth] '127 Hours'.

Seth Rogen: Uh, 127 Hours. And a functioning revolver from the movie 'Flyboys'.

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Danny McBride: What the fuck is wrong with you, Franco? You have iPad's all over the goddamn walls in your house, but you jack off like a fuckin' pilgrim!

James Franco: That's right man, I like to read!

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Danny McBride: [Rapture light appears] What the fuck?

James Franco: Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Haha. Suck my dick!

[Rapture light disappears]

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Jonah Hill: A huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll rescue Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me. If there's room, you guys will come.

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Danny McBride: [from trailer] Seth, that's some of the better acting than I've seen in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in Green Hornet?

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Craig Robinson: Welcome to Heaven, mothafuckas.

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James Franco: I got to admit something... I fucked Lindsay Lohan. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont. She kept banging on my door. She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal. I said... call me the prince of Persia.

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[an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them]

Santa Cannibal: [yells] Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!

[chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams]

Danny McBride: [on loudspeaker] STOP!

[Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other]

Jay Baruchel: Danny?

Danny McBride: [shocked] What the fuck? You guys are still alive?

Seth Rogen: Yeah!

Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that.

[tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV]

Danny McBride: Get...

[Danny pulls Channing over to him]

Jay Baruchel: Oh, Jesus.

Danny McBride: Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.

Jay Baruchel: [confused] What does that have to do with us?

James Franco: What the fuck are you talking about?

Danny McBride: [chuckles] I'm a cannibal, hombre. We're gonna fuckin' eat your ass.

Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man!

Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.

[Channing drops down doggy-style]

Danny McBride: See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.

Channing Tatum: [takes his mask off] Hey, what's up, guys? Y'all cool?

James Franco: That's Channing Tatum.

Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?

Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch

[Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away]

Danny McBride: Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".

James Franco: Hardcore, man.

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James Franco: I will shoot off your dick!

Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch.

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James Franco: [while being robbed] I'm not gonna shoot Emma Watson!

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James Franco: We're actors! We bring joy to people's lives!

Jay Baruchel: Yeah but we don't do it for free. We get paid handsomely much higher than the average professional.

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Jay Baruchel: I don't wanna die at James Franco's house.

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Seth Rogen: Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?

Jay Baruchel: Oh for fucks sake...

Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

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Craig Robinson: I'm straight-up lovable, son.

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[Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]

James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?

Seth Rogen: Did what? What are you talking about?

James Franco: Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?

Danny McBride: [Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.

James Franco: Why?

Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?

James Franco: Real fuckin' smart answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?

Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.

James Franco: What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?

Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!

James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!

Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!

James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!

Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.

James Franco: You don't cum on my stuff!

Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!

James Franco: I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin' madman all over you, McBride!

Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!

[Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]

Danny McBride: [Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!

James Franco: This, no more, man! All over your fuckin' face!

Danny McBride: All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!

James Franco: If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!

Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!

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Jay Baruchel: Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?

Seth Rogen: Uh, I would love to, but I'm on a... I can't really eat that stuff right now. I'm on a... I'm on this cleanse.

Jay Baruchel: You're on a what?

Seth Rogen: I'm on a cleanse.

Jay Baruchel: [laughs] What?

Seth Rogen: It's good for you. You're supposed to take six shits a day.

Jay Baruchel: That's not true, you're supposed to shit twice a day.

Seth Rogen: No. That's not true. That's what they used to think, now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.

Jay Baruchel: So you're not drinking, you're not smoking weed?

Seth Rogen: Oh, no. I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed. I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic.

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James Franco: The fucker's got to go! GO! The fucker's gots to go!

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Emma Watson: Give me everything you have to drink!

Seth Rogen: There are six of us! You cannot rob us!

Emma Watson: I'm NOT fucking around!

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Jonah Hill: So what have you guys been doing?

Seth Rogen: Oh we just hung out all day.

Jay Baruchel: Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, smoked about a fucking pound of weed, and played a bunch of video games.

Jonah Hill: Weed is tight, weed is tight. That's awesome.

Jay Baruchel: It's like the golfing sequence in Navy Seals.

Jonah Hill: Sick reference though bro.

Jay Baruchel: Oh thanks bud.

Jonah Hill: Dude, your references are out of control, everyone knows that.

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Jay Baruchel: We could build a life here together, Craig. I'd be really good to you.

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Michael Cera: Hey, does this coke smell funny?

[blows cocaine into Christopher's face]

Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Oh, fuck, Michael. I've never done cocaine.

Michael Cera: Well, you did the best shit possible for your first time.

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Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

Jay Baruchel: That's weird.

James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.

Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

James Franco: [to Craig] I want one fifth of your t-shirt!

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Jonah Hill: [trying to comprehend the previous night] Something, um, not-that-chill happened last night.

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Channing Tatum: I love him.

Danny McBride: Fuckin' GI Joe, dude. Fuckin' loves me.

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Craig Robinson: Ain't no party, like a no panty party, cause a no panty party don't stop!

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Seth Rogen: Let's do all the drugs!

Jay Baruchel: I don't really want to.

[starts to drink water]

Seth Rogen: You should of thought of that before you drank a can full of Ecstasy.

Jay Baruchel: [spits water out] What?

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Seth Rogen: [Pretending to be Gandalf/Ian McKellen] I'm a well-known homosexual advocate!

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David Krumholtz: Jay! I can't hold on much longer. You have to reach out and grab me, you hear?

Jay Baruchel: Okay, uh, you take my hand and I'll swing you up!

David Krumholtz: You sure? I'm going to give you my whole weight.

Jay Baruchel: I'm gonna reach for you alright?

David Krumholtz: Are you sure you can do it?

Jay Baruchel: I can grab you. On three. One, two, three!

[They grab hands]

David Krumholtz: I'm gonna swing across!

Jay Baruchel: I got you buddy.

David Krumholtz: You're going to hold my weight, all of it.

Jay Baruchel: Okay! Come on!

David Krumholtz: You can hold on to my full weight?

Jay Baruchel: I can do it!

David Krumholtz: I don't want to die.

Jay Baruchel: One, two, three!

[Jay lets go and David falls to his death]

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Craig Robinson: [crying] I tried to save Aziz, I did!

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[from trailer]

Michael Cera: [after a broken light post pierces through his chest] Is it bad?

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Craig Robinson: Take yo panties off!

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Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ.

Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.

Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ? Why? Why can't I say that?

Craig Robinson: One of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.

Craig Robinson: Jesus and God is all the same.

Jay Baruchel: It's a trinity.

Craig Robinson: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.

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Craig Robinson: Hey! Hey, asshole! Hey, come on! Pickle dick, demonic-looking motherfucker. Nobody's scared of you. You ain't a raccoon. Yeah, bring your ass, bitch. Nobody's scared of you. I'm Craig fucking Robinson! Yeah! I hope you like big dick, motherfucker, 'cause, I'm about to fuck you raw. For the last goddamn time! Take your panties off!

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Aziz Ansari: Craig, help me!

Craig Robinson: It's too late for you! You're already in the hole!

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Craig Robinson: I would suck a dick for half a cracker!

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Jonah Hill: This is no dream! This is really happening!

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Emma Watson: [Holding an axe] Back the fuck up!

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Danny McBride: He's talking about the rape-y vibes.

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James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!

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Danny McBride: I call him Channing Taint-YUM!

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Jonah Hill: [possessed] You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of kingdom come. Judgment Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!

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Michael Cera: Is it bad?

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[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beams disappears; James falls back down on the ground to the evil amazement of the cannibals and the disappointment of Seth and Jay]

Seth Rogen: Oh, shit.

Jay Baruchel: Shit!

James Franco: [horrified] What happened? What did I do? Take me back! What did I DO?

Danny McBride: I'll tell you what happened, Franco. You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.

[the cannibals gang up on the now-doomed James]

Danny McBride: You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.

James Franco: [last word] What?

[Danny takes a huge bite into James' nose, with Channing joining in; James screams in horrible pain as Seth and Jay can do nothing but watch in sheer horror and disgust]

Danny McBride: [screaming; a crazed Danny holds up James' ripped-off nose] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?

[Danny shrieks as the cannibals gang up and fatally eat James up to his death]

Danny McBride: Seth! JAY!

[Three cannibals give chase to Set and Jay, presumably to finish the job and keep them completely fed]

Jay Baruchel: Oh, shit, they're running after us!

Seth Rogen: Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run!

Danny McBride: BRING THEM TO ME!

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Christopher Mintz-Plasse: I never fuckin' done cocaine, dude.

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Michael Cera: [after everyone at James Franco's party runs outside and sees that the Hollywood Hills are engulfed in flames] Wait, wait, wait! Everybody listen up! Listen up! Who took my fucking cell phone man? Martin empty your pockets!

Martin Starr: What?

Michael Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man! Somebody dial my phone! Shut the fuck up! Unbelievable! It's unacceptable after all the coke I've wasted on you people!

Seth Rogen: No one took your fucking cell phone...

Michael Cera: [the ground begins to crack under Michael's feet] Three! Two! One! Zero!

Seth Rogen: [a light pole begins to fall towards Michael] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Michael! Michael! Michael!

[the light pole crashes through Michael's chest]

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James Franco: Dude look helicopters, helicopter, the good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine

[Helicopter crashes and propeller flies through window and sticks into wall next to Craig]

Craig Robinson: [Screaming and jumping] Goddamn, Goddamn

James Franco: You okay?

Craig Robinson: No I'm not okay.

[Shows finger with small scratch and blood]

Craig Robinson: Fuck yo house Franco

James Franco: My house didn't do that

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[the guys are debating whether or not to let a stranger into the house]

James Franco: [whispering] I know it sounds really weird, but... I don't think we should let him in.

Jay Baruchel: Why not?

Headless Man: Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.

James Franco: I'm sorry, we just don't know you, man. You could be, like, a looter or a, a rapist or a tittyfucker, like...

[Seth grabs his chest protectively]

James Franco: ... I'm sorry. Look, guys, we just boarded up this whole house to keep everyone out, and the first guy who comes to the door, we're gonna let him in? I mean, how do we know we can trust this guy?

Headless Man: I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!

Danny McBride: "Agagaga-fuckin'-crazy-out-here!" This guy fuckin' sucks.

James Franco: What if he's the rapist?

Jonah Hill: Man, even if he is a rapist, he can't rape all of us.

Headless Man: [panicking] Yeah, no, I'm not a rapist!

Seth Rogen: You gonna tittyfuck us?

Headless Man: [almost in tears] If you want me to tittyfuck you, I will, so good, oh, you'll love it!

Jay Baruchel: Seth, back me up, please, we can't just leave him out there to die, are you crazy?

James Franco: [to Seth] What do you wanna do? I'll do whatever you wanna do.

Seth Rogen: Uh, let's vote on it!

Headless Man: Yeah, I fuckin' vote you let me in!

Danny McBride: Here's my vote: fuck all of you, I'm letting him in. This is boring.

[the guys all shout and rush to stop him; something growls outside]

Headless Man: There's something out here!

[the thing outside suddenly chops the man's head off, and the severed head bounces into the room, coming to a stop at Danny's feet]

Danny McBride: [in shock] This is real! This is fucking real!

[he kicks the head at James, who kicks it away from him immediately. The guys all start screaming and kicking the head around the room to get away from it]

Jonah Hill: You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!

James Franco: Pick it up, Jonah.

[Jonah picks up the head and immediately drops it again as blood gushes out of it]

Danny McBride: What the fuck is going on?

Jonah Hill: He blinked at me! He blinked at me!

James Franco: Put it over there!

[quivering in fear, Craig throws a blanket over the head]

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Jonah Hill: [as Woody Harrelson] I have to do what's right, weed is for the people, it's the peoples weed.

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Danny McBride: Franco, you're just a pretentious fucking nerd.

James Franco: Fuck you!

Danny McBride: And Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.

Craig Robinson: Bro...

Danny McBride: And Seth... you duplicitous taint.

Seth Rogen: What?

Danny McBride: And of course there's Jay... the self-righteous, cocksucking, two-faced backstabber.

Jay Baruchel: What the fuck are you talking about?

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Craig Robinson: Dude, Segel's dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera's dead...

Danny McBride: I guess if Michael Cera's dead it's not a total loss, huh?

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Jay Baruchel: [after encountering Satan] Oh, you've got to be fucking SHITTING me!

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Seth Rogen: Danny, no! Don't walk away! Danny, don't walk away from me!

Danny McBride: [continuing to walk away] It's too late, Seth! I've already walked away too much!

Seth Rogen: No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fucking turn around and come back and help me.

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Emma Watson: Look at him, he's like a hipster. Right?

Jay Baruchel: No. No, I'm not a hipster. At all.

Craig Robinson: Yeah, you do seem to hate a lot of things and the bottom of your pants are awful tight.

Jay Baruchel: No, I just... I don't like Los Angeles. That's it. It doesn't make me a hipster.

Craig Robinson: I bet you hate movies that are universally loved.

Jay Baruchel: I don't even...

Craig Robinson: You like Forrest Gump?

Jay Baruchel: No, no, it's a horrendous piece of shit...

Emma Watson: Life is like a box of chocolates? No?

Jay Baruchel: No, I'm familiar with it.

Craig Robinson: You never know what you're gonna get.

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Jay Baruchel: There were people and they were there and they got... sucked up into the sky.

James Franco: Sucked up into the sky. Nobody got sucked up in here.

Michael Cera: I got sucked off here.

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Danny McBride: [about Jay] If anyone's raping Emma Watson, it's fucking Sir-Rapes-A-Lot over here.

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Danny McBride: I know why you guys don't fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It's cause I party so fucking hard. Always have. Ever since I was a baby, I wouldn't just suck on my mama's titties, I would fucking bang 'em and motorboat 'em. Everything I've been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I've just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.

James Franco: I'm sorry, alright. You can cum wherever you want.

Danny McBride: I don't even care about cumming anymore. Right now I'm just kind of into going.

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Seth Rogen: Jay, are you serious right now? That's your fucking plan? You're gonna repeat lines from the exorcist?

Jay Baruchel: I would assume they did their fucking research.

Seth Rogen: It's a movie!

Jay Baruchel: It's a manual. It's a fucking training manual.

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Seth Rogen: It's already going crazy out there, guys! We can't leave. I'm not leaving. Okay? I'm a victim! I've had a victim's mentality my whole life, people can smell it on me! When I was a kid, I had man titties. The bullies held me down, they titty fucked me!

James Franco: That's what's happening out there right now!

Craig Robinson: We are all soft.

Seth Rogen: Yeah.

Craig Robinson: We are all soft! We are actors, we pretend to be hard, man! We soft as baby shit!

James Franco: As baby shit!

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[after a man gets his head cut off and everyone is freaking out and kicking his head around]

Jonah Hill: Stop! You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!

James Franco: Pick it up, Jonah!

[Jonah picks up the head and blood pours out and he drops it]

Jonah Hill: Oh, God! He blinked at me!

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Jonah Hill: Guys, guys, guys. Jay's not rapey, Jay couldn't rape a fly.

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Seth Rogen: [after falling through a hole in the house] I broke my ass in half.

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James Franco: You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you would be more hydrated!

Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fucking punchline!

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[after Jay punches Jonah]

James Franco: Jonah, you okay?

Jonah Hill: Yeah... his insides hurt worse than my outsides.

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Craig Robinson: Yo, so, I just drank my own pee for the first time... and...

[laughs]

Craig Robinson: it ain't bad. I never thought to do it, I always thought, you know, pee stink, whatever, but... Shh.

[holds up a cocktail glass filled with pee]

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Possessed Jonah Hill: [holding Seth down] I'm gonna titty fuck you, Seth.

Seth Rogen: Don't titty fuck me!

Possessed Jonah Hill: What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH THEM TOGETHER!

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Jay Baruchel: [about to exorcise Jonah Hill] Jonah Hill.

Possessed Jonah Hill: Jonah Hill is no more.

Jay Baruchel: Demon!

Possessed Jonah Hill: Yes!

Seth Rogen: Fuck. That's not good.

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[after finding James' secret stash of food]

Craig Robinson: What the fuck is all this, Franco?

James Franco: Uh... it looks like food! How'd that get there?

Seth Rogen: What? You have more food?

Craig Robinson: You knew he had extra food?

Seth Rogen: He gave me one cracker!

Craig Robinson: I would have sucked a dick for half a cracker!

James Franco: Alright, well, maybe I didn't want you to suck my dick, alright!

Craig Robinson: I didn't want to suck it! That's the point of what I said!

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Paul Rudd: [after he accidentally stomps on a woman's head, killing her insistently] Sorry!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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