[THe FTV satellite is heading for Happydale Heights]
Morticia Addams: Gomez, we can roast marshmallows like we did on Mount Vesuvius!
Gomez Addams: Cara mia! The bag is in the pantry...
Mr. Normanmeyer: [his house blown apart] It's not worth it... I think we need to move.
[Gomez and Morticia are brushing their teeth before bedtime]
Gomez Addams: As my mouth foams with toothpaste, so foams my heart with love!
Uncle Fester: Wanna relive our safari days and shrink my head?
Gomez Addams: Always, brother! But I promised my pet I'd read her the next two chapters of Uncle Spore's "Fungi of the World."
Morticia Addams: Ah, the way Gomez reads each page it's as if Uncle Spore was with us in the room.
Gomez Addams: Well, he was, until Lurch hosed down the underside of the bed...
Uncle Fester: Enjoy my time alone... enjoy my time alone...
Morticia Addams: [behind a closed door] Oh Gomez...
[In the Normanmeyer's bedroom... ]
Mr. Normanmeyer: [waking from a nightmare] I'll have those mediums to you by Tuesday! Huh?... Fester!
Mrs. Normanmeyer: Eek!
Mr. Normanmeyer: How did you get in here?
Uncle Fester: Oh, through the hole in the middle of your living room floor!
Mrs. Normanmeyer: But we don't have a hole in our floor!
Uncle Fester: [holding a shovel] You do now!
Uncle Fester: Well, actually, Norm old pal, I came over for a little advice.
Mr. Normanmeyer: How about DROP DEAD?
Uncle Fester: [sighs] I wish it were that easy...
Uncle Fester: Morticia says I need to learn how to enjoy my time alone and...
[looks at a bandage on Normanmeyer's arm]
Uncle Fester: What are you going to do with that bandage when you're done with it?
Mr. Normanmeyer: GET AWAY!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Why don't you read a book or watch TV, by yourself? On another continent, FOREVER!
Uncle Fester: TV? Yeah! Now you're cooking with gas! Oh, thanks, pal-o-rama! Wow! TV! I knew I could count on you when I'm down! This is just great...
Uncle Fester: [strapped in an electric chair, nursing a black eye] Oh, that Norm, what a rough-and-tumble kind of guy! Have to love him...
Uncle Fester: [channel surfing] What's with this city? They don't even have a decent TV show! Why, I could do a better job!... Yeah.
Wednesday Addams: Dear Uncle, what mischief have you devised this morning?
Uncle Fester: Behold, my own satellite TV station!
Gomez Addams: YES!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Wait a minute, a hopeless pinhead like you run a TV station?
Pugsley Addams: Yeah!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Why, never in my whole life have I heard of anything more ridiculous, more idiotic and... and bizarre!
Uncle Fester: [tears of joy] I knew you'd approve, but WOW! Your enthusiasm overwhelms me!
Mr. Normanmeyer: [answering the phone] Normanmeyer's.
Uncle Fester: Hey, Normster, I think I've finally found my hitch TV stationers!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Wrong number!
[hangs up. the phone rings]
Uncle Fester: But with all this new pressure, I'll be needing your advice more than ever! We'll be talking all the time! Won't that be great?
Mr. Normanmeyer: NO!
[hangs up. the phone rings]
Mr. Normanmeyer: WHAT?
Uncle Fester: I was wondering... should my meteorologist be one of those scientific types, or one of those wacky obnoxious ones?
Mr. Normanmeyer: [dialing his phone] I got to go, Fester, I got another call! Hello?
Uncle Fester: Sorry to interrupt me, but I have another question...
Mr. Normanmeyer: AARRGHH! Tell him I'm not here!
[throws the phone into his wife's hands and runs, smack into Fester]
Uncle Fester: I know how you feel, sometimes I'm not where I am either...
Gomez Addams: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, vertebrates and invertebrates, F.T.V is on the air!
Wednesday Addams: And now, witness if you dare, our first show, starring your favourite eight-foot butler, that perky bundle of fun: Ask Lurch!
Gomez Addams: [narrating amidst tropical scenery] Tired of your regular vacations? Tired of the same old peaceful rift year after year? Then kiss the mundane goodbye! Call Uncle Goner's Travel Agency today for that vacation with a twist!
[a van is seen chugging along]
Gomez Addams: Marvel at the majestic beauty of the Grand Canyon!
[the van drives off a cliff]
Gomez Addams: Behold the titanic wonder of Niagara Falls!
[the van goes over the falls]
Gomez Addams: Relive the elegance of the Orient Express!
[the van goes into a tunnel and comes out impaled on a train engine]
Gomez Addams: Or, if, you dare, discover the behind-the-scenes reality that made Gary Indiana famous!
[the van is pulled into the train]
Gomez Addams: Uncle Goner's Travel Agency! Call now!
Mr. Normanmeyer: [watching the advertisement] Oh, that's rich!
Mr. Normanmeyer: How would you like it if I took over your station?
Uncle Fester: You, president of FTV? Oh, pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Mr. Normanmeyer: It's no dream, Fester! I'm dead serious!
Uncle Fester: Pinch me anyway, please.
Mr. Normanmeyer: [points out the window] Say, isn't that a six-car pile-up?
Pugsley Addams: Cool!
[the Addamses rush over to the window to check it out]
Mr. Normanmeyer: [deactivating the satellite] Come on, baby, come on down...
[the Addams return from the window depressed]
Wednesday Addams: Darn the luck!
Uncle Fester: Oh, buck it!
Gomez Addams: Just another Johnson barbecue...
Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, I guess my eyes aren't what they used to be...
[Thanks to Normanmeyer, the city is in a mass panic]
Uncle Fester: WOW!
Gomez Addams: About ten seconds on the job, and the man's already making his mark!
[the F.T.V. satellite is going to crash into town]
Pugsley Addams: [running outside] I want to be first!
Wednesday Addams: [following Pugsley] No, ME!
Uncle Fester: Way to go, Normster!
Uncle Fester: [picking a beetle off the Mayor's shoe] Can I have this?
Mr. Normanmeyer: FESTER! Ewww!
Uncle Fester: [receiving money] Thanks! It all goes into my Norm fund, you know!
Morticia Addams: Only four more months, and you'll have enough to build that nice Mr. Normanmeyer a new home!
Gomez Addams: Wait until he sees the underwater bowling alley!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Good night, puff cake.
Mrs. Normanmeyer: Good night, beef chop.
Uncle Fester: Nighty-night, buckwheat!
Mr. Normanmeyer: SHUT UP!
Uncle Fester: Oh, have to love him...
[brushing their teeth in the bathroom]
Morticia Addams: Darling, please don't rinse.
Gomez Addams: Why not, Tish?
Morticia Addams: It's like you have hoof-and-mouth all over again.