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Ted (2012) review
manbearpig230 March 2012
I just want to state off hand that this is my first movie review, well other than just telling someone what I thought. So if you are looking for a well written, witty review then.. you might want to stop reading now. But since this movie is still in production, this will probably be your best bet for the time being.

I just went to a free screening of Ted at the Greenback theater in Sacramento, CA. And I just have to say off the bat, I LOVED it. A movie hasn't made me laugh that hard in a long time. Now, I'm not going to give you any more information than the description because with the movie not even being released yet, I think that would be a spoiler of some sort. But I will tell you that was so much better than what I imagined it would be, granted that was before I knew it was directed and voiced over by Seth Macfarlane. So if you're a fan of his, you're definitely in for a treat, and even if you're not I still think you would enjoy the innovative comedy that comes from a snarky and crude teddy bear companion. The acting was very solid, from main characters to jerk bosses, and crazy.. well, crazy people.. the acting was very convincing and enjoyable. The story was great, while it might sound stupid to some, myself included, it's very well executed. Definitely not one of the movies that left me thinking "the idea was good, but they could have done so much more with it", it was actually quite the opposite. And this is certainly not a low budget film, the CGI animation reflects this. The furry bear voiced by Macfarlane is very realistic and believable.

The only drawback I could possibly see that would cause someone displeasure would be, like a lot of new comedies, this film pushes the envelope in raunchy, vulgar humor. Plus the different amount of drugs used. This movie will receive (most likely), and be very deserving of a R rating. It doesn't rely solely on shock humor though, there is plenty of good old fashioned clean comedy. But if your like me, and that type of subject matter doesn't bother you, then I HIGHLY recommend this film. And if you're a Seth Macfarlane fan, then that's just a perfectly gift wrapped little bonus for you.
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8/10
A party of a film... not for the easily offended
JeffTheBadger3 July 2012
I really should start this with a warning: This film is not for everyone! If you are easily offended (by swearing, sexual references, casual racism and various stereotypes) then you should read no further and give this one a miss. However, if you are a fan of Seth MacFarlane's other projects (Family Guy, American Dad) and maybe you call yourself an "80's child" (so many pop culture references to this time) you are going to love this.

Sure some parts are a little disjointed, the story seems vaguely familiar and the "moral" of it kind of gets lost but quite frankly, it's just so darn funny none of that matters. The script is hilarious, the cameos are fantastic and the soundtrack is perfect.

Ted himself is well animated and Seth (apart from sounding a little like Peter Griffin) voices him with the usual competence. Mark Wahlberg delivers exactly what we have come to expect from him, and the rest of the cast seem to have had fun filming, which comes across in the various performances no matter how big or small. The acceptance and interaction of everyone with a living teddy-bear adds to the simple joy of this film, and you find yourself happy to watch and not question why nobody is fazed by this. TED is a laugh a minute, party of a film and I, for one, can't wait to see it again.
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1/10
One of the most disappointing movie experiences I've ever sat through
chang-skeee8 October 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I like Family Guy. So much, that I've always said that if I were stuck on a desert island, Seth MacFarlane is one of the people I'd want to be stuck there with me. I found this movie horrible, loathsome, and lazy, so much so that it actually made me question Family Guy. That's how bad I thought it was. It made me rethink my entire conception of humor.

I did not find this movie funny at all. The style of comedy it uses is similar to that of Adam Sandler, whom I loathe. There's a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing, and overall, a lot stuff that's supposed to be funny. There are no clever jokes, no sense of set-up and reward. Instead, it's "oh look, the man is dancing, that's hilarious!". Not. Or "haha, that guy just said the f-word'". Isn't that funny? Kill me. I did find exactly one scene funny- the one in which Ted and Mark Whalberg have a fist fight in a hotel room. That reminded me of Family Guy and I found the idea so absurd that it made me chuckle. But this moment of hilarity is quickly diffused by a "getting hit in the groin" joke. Now, I realize that Family Guy uses exactly this type of humor, but somehow I always found it funnier. Maybe that's the problem here- live action is a different medium and the same things that work in the campy universe of cartoons don't work with real people.

I realize that this is a comedy, but I do believe that even low brow comedy movies should have a basic story or plot. This was supposed to be a character driven movie. The idea is simple- Mark Whalberg is a man-child who must learn to take responsibility and grow up. The script screws up this idea completely and instead, Mark Whalberg makes absolutely no change as a person. Neither does Ted. I realize it's supposed to be adorable that a teddy bear smokes weed, but the novelty wore off in 2 minutes. That, and I found the accent horribly annoying.

I was excited to see the supporting cast list on wikipedia. Whalberg is great, but like I said, his character was very poorly written. Mila Kunis does nothing in the whole movie but play a horribly clichéd romantic comedy girlfriend who also has no character arc in the movie. Joel McHale is another cliché in the movie and the fact that he's in the movie is a waste of a talented comedic actor. Laura Vandervoort literally does nothing. I mean, I at least expected her to be the seductress who tries to veer Mark Whalberg off the path of righteousness, but even that doesn't happen. So why even have this supporting cast in the movie if no one's going to do anything?

The plot of this movie was equally weak. MacFarlane uses all of these clichéd rom-com scenes and does nothing with them. Here's a small example. This movie has 2 or 3 restaurant scenes. Now ask yourself- why exactly were these scenes in the movie? Usually, restaurants are used in comedy movies to employ some kind of restaurant related humor. Maybe there's a maladjusted person in an uncomfortable environment, or maybe someone has an allergy and they cause a scene. At least someone falling or something. But the first restaurant scene of this movie simply has Mark Whalberg and Mila Kunis sitting and talking. That could have just as easily happened in a living room. So why was the restaurant scene necessary? Why even do that? It's completely pointless.

The ending to this movie accomplishes nothing. Mark Whalberg is supposed to change as a person. The death of Ted should have signified something, and having him come back to life s**ts on the character arc completely and nullifies it. We have no reason to believe that Mark Whalberg will grow up or make any kind of difference in life.

This movie had way too much product placement. Horribly obvious product placement.

Here's what I think. I think Seth MacFarlane is a perfectly competent individual who chose to be lazy. He wrote a horrible script, packed it with TV stars we might recognize, and collected the money. It's not just that this movie had no redeemable qualities. I actually feel like my intelligence was insulted and that I was fooled out of my money. Please don't let movies like this turn off your brain. Think about what you're watching and why you're laughing and don't settle for crap like this.
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2/10
Not for everyone Warning: Spoilers
I came into this movie expecting to be laughing almost the whole time, but I sat through the movie almost bored out of my mind! I was on the verge of getting up and leaving but that would of been rude. So instead I sat through the almost unbearable part of the movie where Ted and John (Mark Wahlberg)have a big fight (surprise surprise) and John's girlfriend dumps him (another surprise -_-) it's just a barrage of clichés to be honest. The humour of the film was well below mediocre. I didn't understand some the jokes because they were referencing a celebrity that I have never heard about. The other jokes are about drugs, swearing and getting drunk. The only time I managed a laugh was when Ted was pretending to be a retard . All in all If you're American you'd probably understand and enjoy this movie more than I did. If not, stay away!
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1/10
Gawd Awful!!!
jaxbubba11 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I just do not get it!!! This movie is just plain awful, and yet it is breaking box office records for "R-rated" comedies. With a running time of 98 mins, I could only manage to sit through the first 40 minutes before turning off this unfunny, quite boring, and quite disappointing film.

The premise of this film is quite simple. At the age of eight (8) years old and with no real friends of his own, little John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) makes a Christmas wish for his teddy bear to come to life. Ted and John become life long friends ("thunder buddies"); however, after twenty-seven (27) years of friendship, John must decide on either staying with his girlfriend of four (4) years Lori (Mila Kunis) or Ted.

Ted is the brainchild of Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy / American Dad) and he voices Ted as well. Ted has no redeeming qualities, and is combination of the two characters Quagmire and Brian from the Family Guy TV series. He's a pot-smoking, hooker dating, grocery clerk humping, foul mouth Neanderthal, who Lori (Kunis) feels is preventing her and John from having the adult relationship that she so desires to have.

In the 40 minutes that I managed to sit through, I never laughed, smirked, grinned or even hinted to a gesture of happiness to any of the "so-called" comedy being presented on screen… because there wasn't any there!!!! Unless you consider a foul-mouth, pot smoking teddy bear as being funny, which I did not. However, the scene in which I could take no more, is when Ted, while working as a clerk out clerk in a local grocery store gets caught "bopping" another check out clerk in the store room, and explains to his boss that, "Last week he screwed her with a parsnip and sold the parsnip to a family of four" … so his boss promoted him. IS THAT FUNNY?????? REALLY??? God, I feel like my dad now, I must be getting old!!!! Anyways, the film is making money hand over fist, and has already crossed the $100 million, and expected to cross the $200 million mark by summer's end. I JUST DO NOT GET IT!!!!!! I cannot recommend this film, I cannot even finish watching this film. It's being marketed as this year's "The Hangover", and I can assure you it is nowhere as funny as the "The Hangover"…. I would say avoid at all costs… but who am I???? SEE MORE OF MY REVIEWS ON FB @ "THE FARIS REEL"
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8/10
Crude, lewd and rude = perfect! NOT a kid's movie!
lansingjim20 June 2012
I got into a screening of this movie thanks to my daughter, after waiting what felt like forever. I saw the unrated trailer on YouTube and couldn't wait to see it. As another reviewer said, if you like Family Guy, you'll like this. In some ways, it IS Family Guy. Wahlberg basically plays a Peter Griffin type character,a likable, but somewhat dimwitted guy. Ted is essentially Brian, smart, witty and self-centered and Mila is sort of a Lois type, hot and the grown up in the story. Be warned, this is NOT a children's movie. Nudity, drug and alcohol use, plus heavy on the profanity. In other words, go see it! Just leave your (little) kids at home.
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6/10
A standard comedy - but with a teddy bear
glen201012 August 2012
Whilst I did not dislike 'Ted' I cannot say I was overly impressed by it. The hype and popularity that built up towards the film's release had me expecting something fresh, something that would keep me laughing days after. To my disappointment, 'Ted', to me, turned out to just another Rom-Com, its only real unique twist being Ted himself.

Having said that, 'Ted' did provide some good laughs, whilst they weren't exactly side-splitting the film was entertaining and I did watch the entire feature without getting bored or uninterested. The animations for Ted were of a good quality, doing a good job in making it seem like Ted was actually there with the actors, rather than just a computer-generated 3D image.

What I felt let 'Ted' down was it's predictability and lack of memorable or unique laughs. Being rated as a 15, 'Ted's plot didn't seem to suit it's targeted audience, I have seen similar story lines in films rated PG or even U but the explicit content of 'Ted' was clearly intended for more mature audiences, therefore I felt it deserved a more mature plot.

Overall, I'd recommend 'Ted' to those who are looking for a relatively light-hearted story with a few giggles added in and a cursing, yet somehow still lovable, teddy bear. It's good, but nothing overly special.
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1/10
Dreadful.
loumcp10 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I have a perverted sense of humor and do not mind Family Guy, so I'm not sure what I was expecting. But this nasty, pointless, unfunny drivel was a complete waste of my time and money. About the only thing achieved here is an effort to showcase Mila Kunis as completely gorgeous; on all other counts it is a fail - unless you like gratuitous eff words and references to bowel movements/flatulence/anal sex (oooohhh how shocking, and how boring)

*Spoiler Alert* See this and tell me if you can believe Mila Kunis wasting a perfectly good wish on having the world's most repulsive little furball come back to life.

Only for sophomoric morons with no schools to vandalize or cars to torch.
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8/10
Consistently funny and a surprisingly cohesive effort from MacFarlane
Movie_Muse_Reviews29 June 2012
First there was Gollum, then Caesar the ape and now ... Ted? If you thought motion-capture animation was beyond the range of foul-mouthed R-rated comedy, here's your evidence to the contrary. "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane has taken his love of characters who shouldn't behave like humans behaving like humans to the next level —and the big screen — with "Ted," a story of growing up — at the age of 35.

Fans of MacFarlane and "Family Guy" will be the first to tell you that the comedy pioneer has been more cold than hot lately (I guess those manatees in the tank of idea balls have been worked too hard). It's not easy to keep scoring laughs using the same non-sequitur formula over and over again, but fortunately "Ted" is a more comically cohesive effort than you'd ever expect from the king of unexpected random jabs, references and political incorrectness.

If you haven't been curious enough to find out what the film is about already, "Ted" tells the story of how young John Bennett (who grows up to be Mark Wahlberg), who had trouble fitting in as a kid, made a wish on Christmas Day for his teddy bear to come to life. His wish comes true and Ted becomes world famous, even appearing on the Johnny Carson Show. But as Patrick Stewart lovingly and frankly reminds us in his role as narrator: like Corey Feldman and Frankie Muniz, eventually, people stop giving a ****.

Despite a serious relationship of four years with Lori (Mila Kunis), nearly middle-aged John is still ripping bongs and watching '80s "Flash Gordon" with his equally irresponsible teddy bear best friend. Eventually, John must start to make sacrifices if he wants to become the adult that Lori wants him to be, and Ted is arguably the chief reason for his inability to shape up.

There aren't exactly any curveballs in this story, but that's when you realize you're watching a film in which a man is trying to stop hanging out with his profane teddy bear. Despite the obvious outcomes, "Ted" has to be considered an original comedy.

It's also consistently funny. Sure, the nature of many of the jokes is that they exist in a vacuum and aren't necessarily related to what's going on or what matters, but much of the references actually tie into the plot later on (such as Flash Gordon ... it'll make sense when you see it) and it's far less random than skeptics will come in expecting. That said, some of its best jokes and references will resonate on a personal level, i.e. if you watch this with a group of people, you're bound to laugh really hard at times when they don't and vice-versa.

The only thing that feels a little out of place is a subplot involving Giovanni Ribisi as a creepy single father who has been a longtime admirer of Ted's and inquires about purchasing him for his overweight son. You've never seen Ribisi like this and that alone is amusing, but the focus of the film is on how John and Ted's mischief impacts his ability to grow up and get more serious with Lori, and this sort of butts into things.

Yet for all its shenanigans, the amount of heart and sincerity in some of the relationship drama between John and Lori is surprising. Wahlberg and Kunis are generally pretty convincing, even if it's a bit weird that John is mature enough to have a relationship last four years but not enough to not screw things up at his job or avoid giving in to Ted's peer pressure. (Bear pressure?)

The secret weapon is that Ted really is kind of adorable, and the mo-cap gives him an extra lifelike quality. The film hits some emotional notes early (who can't identify with loving a stuffed animal?) and this helps it to reconnect later on despite all the R-rated chaos in between. That ability alone assures "Ted" will be seen as better than a majority of foul- mouthed, dirty-minded comedies.

"Ridiculous" comes to mind as the best descriptor for "Ted," which one has to imagine MacFarlane aimed for in the first place. His performance as the titular bear is certainly reminiscent of Peter Griffin (there's a wink to the audience about that, by the way), but more importantly, Ted is treated as more than just an opportunity for a never-ending string of jokes that are simply funnier because "it's a teddy bear."

Maybe having to create a complete package in the form of a movie has helped MacFarlane learn how to tone down his shtick. Audiences will write you off if you deliver them something inconsistent and scatter-brained that goes beyond 30 inconsequential minutes of their lives, and MacFarlane and co-writers Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild make the majority of adjustments needed to honor that notion. "Ted" is as engaging as it is clever, funny and ridiculous.

~Steven C
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1/10
Watch only if you need to lose 2 hours of your life.
velikidace5 August 2012
Warning: Spoilers
First of all let me tell you that I rate movies on a scale from -10 to 10 with 5 being the average and negative numbers for differentiating the awfulness of certain movies that are terrible.

That said I give this movie a 0, even though I like Seth Macfarlane's work this was an absolute disaster.

We got a movie with 1 dimensional leading characters of Ted and John that didn't provide you with a single emotional reaction, while Mila Kunis character was at least somewhat comparable to a person although not at all complex. Supporting cast is the only part worth mentioning since Flash Gordon absolutely stole the show with the 4 minutes of air time he had, his lines were consistent and witty unlike anything main characters did.

Story in itself falls apart since it is not built on anything real, the movie is completely clownish for the first 1 hour without any character build up and then randomly inserts "emotional" parts which left me completely indifferent, it was awkward and out of place.

I could have said something nice about the atmosphere if the movie was consistent as it was for the first half but it started to take itself seriously which ruined the composure.

I wouldn't recommend any movie enthusiast to watch this terrible movie, and reading movie reviews on IMDb in general I'm sure at least 90% of them as well as votes are sponsored by companies, too bad for this once great site.
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9/10
Fantastically funny!
barry_mooney2 August 2012
I am stunned by the number of negative reviews on here. We went to see Ted last night (the UK release date) and it was fantastic. In fact, it was the funniest film I have seen for years! The humour throughout is both obvious AND subtle, with masses of trademark Seth MacFarlane jokes as well as some expansion to his comedy repertoire made possible by having a live action film instead of an animation.

Some people have commented on all the 80s references - that's the joke in itself - Seth always over-focuses on the 80s and he's poking fun at himself by doing it even more! He liked Star Wars, Indian Jones, Flash Gordon, Top Gun etc. So did I - which is partly what makes it all so cool! Fans of Seth's humour will love these little (and not so little) references as they have all been used extensively in Family Guy. You don't have to be 'over 35' to get the references, you just have to get that Seth is a big fan of the 80s and has great fun referencing stuff he likes. Some might call it self-indulgent but I thought it was very funny. Perhaps you have top be on a particular wavelength, I don't know.

To suggest that he's being racist is also to misunderstand Seth MacFarlane - he's actually ridiculing people with stereotypical ignorant racist attitudes. Once again, he has done this in Family Guy and been similarly misunderstood. It's OK to make fun of racism or even the public's lack of knowledge on subjects such as 9/11 - neither of these mean that you're racist or pro-terrorist!

In reference to the acting, Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis were very good (especially Mila). Ted was also superbly played (by Seth MacFarlane) and it was interesting to note how after a while you didn't even really think of him as a bear; he was just another character in the film. Lovely to hear Patrick Stewart's voice used again too. In addition, there was a generous use of Family Guy people, who were all great fun (especially the guy who does the voice of Joe Swanson) and looked like they were clearly enjoying the opportunity to be in Seth's film debut.

In summary, if you don't like Seth MacFarlane's humour, there's a good chance you will not enjoy this film. However, if you like Family Guy and you have the ability to look beyond the obvious, then you might well love Ted as much as I did. I thought it was brilliant and can't remember the last time I laughed so much at a cinema!
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1/10
Are the rest of these people on crack?
saveit201212 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was such a piece of crap. Seth McFarlane should stick to what he knows best - cartoons, and leave the real movies to the big people. It was the same rehash of his series Family Guy with a horrible plot about this teddy bear growing up with his owner from childhood and gets... kidnapped? Kidnapped really?? And do we need yet another fat joke, or handicapped joke? If you answered yes, then you deserve to watch this film and lower your I.Q. another 20 points. Honestly, the only real treat was watching Mila Kunis, (and that's some damn fine acting by the way) they must have paid her a fortune to act in this crap. That goes for Mark Wahlberg too If you were expecting some magical, detailed plot where the jokes are actually funny and not recycled from a familiar series, then sorry to say look elsewhere.
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6/10
Really.........it's not all that funny
Mrlastlife4 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I've been excited to see Ted since I saw the first preview. I read some of the initial reviews and it sounded great. I have to admit, it wasn't THAT funny.

First, the voice of Ted. It's freaking Peter Griffin!!! It's like the creators of SpongeBob making a movie and they use the voice of SpongeBob. It's really distracting. And when Ted is making fun of someone, he uses Stewie's voice?!?! Why!?!? Don't you have another voice you can use? The beginning of the film, Ted is a cute and innocent bear. I felt the movie was funnier then. The vulgar, smoking, sexually active Ted felt forced to me.

Some of the jokes fell flatter than a Kansas interstate. Seriously, the movie theater was completely packed and there were jokes that didn't garner one single laugh. Sometimes I couldn't tell if they were trying to make a joke or not. Some jokes were supposed to be kinda mean, but were just kinda dumb. There were times it seemed like the audience laughed because they thought they were supposed to. This is Ted!!! It's supposed to be hilarious!!!

There were some funny parts. But honestly, I left disappointed.
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1/10
The Worst Movie I've ever seen!
dogsrule189112 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was the worst movie I've ever seen. "Ted" is a foul mouthed nasty rendition of what used to be a symbol of a sweet toy. You would think that Hollywood get a clue about why all of their movies flop. Either movies are redo's or trash like "Ted"! It amazes me that movies like this can even be shown at a regular theater. My teenage daughter asked to leave and this was the first movie she has ever done that to. I think what is worse is that Mark Walberg the star of the show has young children who will someday grow up and want to see movies their dad has been in. He should be ashamed of himself and I won't be seeing any of his movies in the future since he is going to stoop to this level of worse than B movies.
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1/10
pure script-less crap
cablooie10 November 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Folks, if you can't think of anything else but destroying a teddy bear as a result of a script-less 2h nonsense in which 2 idiots argue nonstop for unknown reasons, just quit making movies and go back working for McDonalds. The worst crock of manure I have ever seen in my whole life. Material for a 2 min short with a funny teddy. Oh crap, we don't have a long enough story for a film, let's say Mark and Mila keep fighting over nothing for 1 h. That covers up pretty much 80% of the time. Still not long enough? OK, the cute teddy bear dies, a sick maniac rips him in two =) how about that? Just perfect for children. Almost there with time? OK, teddy bear is revived =) What a great idea wow. The ultimate concept. I would like to catch the idiotic teen who wrote this moronic story and torture him for a couple of hours, just as he did to me. Stay away from this junk folks and overall don't let your kids watch it, it's stinky puke put together without ideas, no script, no nothing. Only a pinch of sadistic stupidity. Hate is everything that this smelly swill can produce.
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1/10
pointless, inept
bull1234254 September 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Saw this and had the constant feeling of awkwardness on behalf of the people producing it. The timing for jokes is sometimes way off. The storyline doesn't make sense in itself (I know speaking toys don't exist - I mean they are inconsistent with the make-believe stuff they tell you).

I expected clever jokes from McFarlane, political/social satire (great time for it, isn't it). Unfortunately he managed a script that only pointlessly rumbles on from here to there trying to develop something with love story and talking bear... something... something. I laughed a handful of times, but that isn't enough for 100 minutes.

You are just constantly pushed out of it by inept movie-craftsmanship. The casting is ridiculous. A former superhero and another former man in black have a small side role as a 'funny' gay couple. - Problem is a 12 year old makes better gay jokes. The stuff feels really outdated for me. Maybe in the early 1990s such a thing as a man who is gay but can't figure it out was funny. Plus one can see no one gave them useful direction to portray the characters, as they are SO VISIBLE as the actors who did that other movie all the time. If you do this and these kind/level of jokes now you look like a film-school freshman who couldn't afford a professional script-reviewer.
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1/10
Worst movie ever
Luckylee2184 September 2012
Warning: Spoilers
One of THE MOST sexist and problematic movies I have ever seen in my life. It wasn't funny, it was purely idiotic.

First of all, John is a total loser who is completely irresponsible and his girlfriend, Lori, ends up being treated like she's some sort of award to be won or lost. Lori's also completely shallow and only seems to like him because of his looks, which frankly... is all that he really has going for him I suppose. Ted's completely sexist, homophobic, fat-shaming, and immature.

Then there's Rex who treats Lori like a fetish. There's seriously not a single good role model or decent person in the entire movie. It's simply one stereotype built upon another. I am deeply ashamed in society for allowing such a movie to gain so much popularity when it's the abyss of everything that's wrong in the world. It reeks of privilege.
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1/10
One of the worst comedies I have ever seen.
beezybb-204-8896365 July 2012
After seeing the good user reviews for Ted my expectations were actually raised a little. The trailers didn't seem too funny to me, but I'm a big fan of Family Guy and Seth MacFarlane and thought that it would be at least as funny as the average FG episode.

Well after seeing the movie I have to say that Seth MacFarlane, Mila Kunis, and Mark Whalberg have all sunk to new all-time lows. I can't believe a movie like this would get backed by a studio. The jokes are even more low brow than South Park (a show I can't stand) and the plot relies on fart jokes, constant weed smoking, and cliché characters that try way too hard to get a laugh and overact in almost every scene.

I can't imagine that anyone would find this funny, other than maybe somebody so high or so drunk that they find poop on the floor and farting hilarious.

The theater was pretty full for an afternoon show and other than the seriously stoned dudes behind me, there were very few people in the theater that laughed at most of the jokes. I had a few chuckles and a half laugh, but no lol moments.

I honestly started feeling bad for the actors and began wondering if they actually read the script before they agreed to do this movie, or if they just trusted that anything by Seth MacFarlane had to be funny.

I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone. It really is bad beyond belief, but if you don't believe me, then check it out and be prepared to see somewhat respectable actors sink to the lowest of lows.
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1/10
3-D: Disgusting. Degenerating. Dangerous.
Perfectionisbeauty6 August 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Absolutely nihilistic piece of stupidity. Seth MacFarlane's story is beyond the limits of human foolishness. Let him hear it. A mixture of morbid imagination and conscious attack on the minds of degenerated generation. Hidden lie and abominable attempt to profane everything. What inadmissible frivolity it was to show this concoction to the public. I may only suspect of the reasons of those wretched and ill-natured producers to contribute money for nothing but spoiling the minds.

Infantile person is a "hero" befriended by a bad-mouthing, swearing religiously toy. No talents, but both are "extremely funny". Even Norah Jones!!! (what a shame!) gives him a chance. And a shop-girl who couldn't invent anything better as having intercourse with teddy-bear! What kind of love is in the story I ask? Sham and shame. And propaganda: "you don't know yet whether you are gay or not!". And carefree violence: drinks, drugs, parties, doll-girls and sh-t.

Conclusion: never watch you will never miss.
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1/10
Are you serious!
lulzimmani25 April 2013
Warning: Spoilers
This is the biggest insult ever made to a movie. It is like you are trying to insult peoples intelligence. You can call it anything except a watchable movie, it hurts from start to end, it actually upsets you.

There is no proper description that I could give to this piece of crap, there is no age or stereotype that could link it to. It shrinks you patience and it hurts your mind. As for kids, I would advice their parents to keep them away from this movie, as they might think that the presence of a teddy bear would make kids be attracted to it -believe me, it would literally destroy them.

No offense but, Mark. W should demand a huge compensation from the makers of this movie for the destruction of his reputation as a descent actor.

Other than that, if you want to prove me wrong I beg you see this movie and come and hit me hard in return.
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1/10
This is the stupidest most vulgar movie I have ever seen
eloy_lb26 December 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I don't know how and why this movie was made. It's awful, plain awful. And most of all it's filled with stupid, vulgar jokes and references. I've seen bad movies before, but this one beats them by far. To make things worse, a grown up beats a boy and they make it look OK. A teddy bear is f.u... a girl and they make it look OK. The guy who has made this movie, Seth something is really deranged to make up a story like this. Stay away from this movie it's a complete waste of time. They talk about the superman movie at the end and they say it's not good? Let me tell you something: How about your movie a..h..o..l..e..s?

Repeat to fill more line ------------------------ I don't know how and why this movie was made. It's awful, plain awful. And most of all it's filled with stupid, vulgar jokes and references. I've seen bad movies before, but this one beats them by far. To make things worse, a grown up beats a boy and they make it look OK. A teddy bear is f.u... a girl and they make it look OK. The guy who has made this movie, Seth something is really deranged to make up a story like this. Stay away from this movie it's a complete waste of time. They talk about the superman movie at the end and they say it's not good? Let me tell you something: How about your movie a..h..o..l..e..s?
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4/10
A Missed Opportunity
chicagopoetry7 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
TED had the potential to be a classic movie like BIG or like ELF, both of which were magical tales about childhood dreams set in the adult world. Unfortunately, TED cops out and goes for the cheap shots with jokes about prostitutes pooping on the floor or a teddy bear squirting hand cream all over its face to suggest to a woman what he wants to do to her (she goes out with him anyway). What made BIG and ELF so funny was how innocent the main characters were in the adult world. But TED is a perverted sociopath. And why? That part is never explained. The plot jumps straight from the bear announcing its presence to the child to the bear smoking pot from a bong on a couch. Are we suppose to love him? How can we, when he's a raging racist, homophobe? Something else that made BIG and ELF funny is how the rest of the world responded to the main characters. Here we are to believe the world just accepts the idea of a talking teddy bear and nobody acts surprised. We are to believe everyone in the world saw the Tonight Show thirty years ago and that makes it all acceptable. Why the writers of this dud chose to do it this way is a mystery. It would have been so much funnier if people actually reacted the way people would actually react to a talking teddy bear. Unlike BIG or ELF, films that live on and can be watched again and again, TED will have its flash in the pan and then it will just fade away. Because it makes no sense. At least in BAD SANTA we understood why this particular SANTA was so perverted. Here we are to believe that sitting around smoking pot and watching FLASH GORDON turns you into a lunatic rapist. Not funny.
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1/10
OMG that was bad
zebrafinch4016 December 2012
The advertisements of this looked like it could be funny but then you watch the entire film. The first part actually had some funny stuff in it but the movie turned into what it is a human story between two human characters I don't give a damn about that couldn't act out of a paper bag.

If it had more Ted in it it could have been a so so movie but it had too much exposure of Mark Wahlberg. I should have known if Mark's in it its gonna be bad. How does Mark Wahlberg keep getting work? He isn't funny or talented at acting? The writing for this movie sucked & i suspect everyone was high while making this.

Seth Macfarlane, just stop making live action films & stick with what you do best with your adult themed cartoons. One of the worst films I ever seen. Still 2012 Doomsday was a gazillion times worse than this though both movies result in doomsday for your brain cells literally.
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1/10
Just plain vulgar and crude
safeguide16 November 2012
This is a story that tries to be funny by putting a dirty mouth, vulgar and sickening frat boy persona in a teddy bear. With all the skills of animating such a bear, it could have done something uplifting, but the happy ending is a sham. I felt tricked to watch this movie. It made me so upset that I actually wasted my time on this. I kept wishing there was some redeeming value to this movie but there wasn't. This movie puts the worst of human nature out there and makes it appear good. Who could come up with such a story line that is so nasty? The story line is so pathetic and uncreative telling a story that's been told many times over. Definitely not for your kids or teens. And people wonder why we have an attitude problem with young people in the US. This is a case in point.
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1/10
Pathetic attempt at humor!
walshb17 August 2012
Simple: I would just like folks to tell me exactly what was funny about this film? Where were the funny bits? To me it was just complete and utter tripe. So unoriginal, desperate and full of the same old profanity and vulgarity. There wasn't a single subtle or creative piece of comedy in it. Many gag/jokes were current affairs, politics etc that were just dead. Useless. And the voice of Ted was crap. Just could not endear to it at all. Many of the scenes were just weird. Not funny at all. The scene in the supermarket where he's acting all vulgar to the cashier? Mad. The fight scene with Ted and John? Pointless and OTT crap. All in all this movie gets a rating of 1 only because 0 is not available!
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