The Doctor: [Pointing to frozen Abigail Pettigrew] Who's she?
Kazran Sardick: Nobody important.
The Doctor: Nobody important? Blimey, that's amazing. You know that in nine hundred years of time and space and I've never met anybody who wasn't important before.
Kazran as a child: Are you really a babysitter?
The Doctor: [holds up psychic paper] I think you'll find I'm universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult.
Kazran as a child: It's just a bunch of wavy lines.
The Doctor: Yeah? It's shorted out. Finally, a lie too big.
The Doctor: Come on! We're boys! And yo know what boys say in the face of danger?
Kazran as a child: What?
The Doctor: Mummy!
Middle Kazran: I've never kissed anyone before - -what do I do?
The Doctor: Well, try and be all nervous and rubbish and a bit shaky.
Middle Kazran: Why?
The Doctor: Because you're going to be like that, anyway. You might as well make it part of the plan then it will feel on purpose, off you go then.
Middle Kazran: Now? I kiss her, now?
The Doctor: Kazran, trust me, it's this or go to your room and design a new kind of screwdriver. Don't make my mistakes. Now go.
The Doctor: Everything's got to end sometime. Otherwise nothing would ever get started.
Middle Kazran: When girls are crying aren't you supposed to talk to them?
The Doctor: I have absolutely no idea.
Rory Williams: Got any more honeymoon ideas?
The Doctor: Well, there's a moon that's made of actual honey. Well, not actual honey, and it's not actually a moon, and technically it's alive and a bit carnivorous, but there are some lovely views.
Amy Pond: They really love their snowmen around here, don't they? I've counted about twenty.
The Doctor: Yeah! I've been busy.
The Doctor: Guys we've *really* got to go quite quickly. I just accidentally got engaged to Marilyn Monroe!
The Doctor: Have you ever seen Mary Poppins?
Kazran as a child: No.
The Doctor: Good, 'cause that comparison would've been rubbish.
The Doctor: Oh, now what's this, then? I love this. A big, flashy-lighty thing. That's what brought me here. Big, flashy-lighty things have got me written all over them. Not actually, but give me time... and a crayon.
The Doctor: There are 4,003 people I won't allow to die tonight. Do you know where that puts you?
Kazran Sardick: Where?
The Doctor: Four thousand and four.
Kazran as a child: But Mrs. Mantovani's always my babysitter.
The Doctor: Times change.
[looks into the video recorder]
The Doctor: Wouldn't you say? See? Christmas past!
Kazran as a child: Who are you talking to?
The Doctor: You. Now your past is going to change. That means your memories will change to. Bit scary, but you'll get the hang of it.
Kazran as a child: I don't understand.
The Doctor: I'll bet you don't! I wish I could see your face!
The Doctor: There's a portrait on the wall behind me. Looks like you, but it's too old, so it's your father. All the chairs are angled away from it. Daddy's been dead for 20 years but you still can't get comfortable where he can see you. There's a Christmas tree in the painting but none in this house on Christmas Eve. You're scared of him and you're scared of being like him and good for you, you're not like him, not really. Do you know why?
Kazran Sardick: Why?
The Doctor: Because you didn't hit the boy. Merry Christmas, Mr Sardick.
Kazran Sardick: I despise Christmas!
The Doctor: You shouldn't. It's very you.
Kazran Sardick: It's what? What do you mean?
The Doctor: Halfway out of the dark.
The Doctor: [after rolling out of a fireplace] Ah. Yes. Blimey. Sorry. Christmas Eve on a rooftop, saw a chimney, my whole brain just went: "What the hell!"
Abigail: A shark isn't a dolphin.
The Doctor: It's nearly a dolphin.
Abigail: No, it isn't.
The Doctor: Well, that's where you're wrong, because... shut up.
The Doctor: Fish that can swim in fog. I love new planets!
Kazran as a child: If you're my babysitter, why are you climbing in the window?
The Doctor: 'Cause if I was climbing out of the window, I'd be going in the wrong direction. Pay attention.
The Doctor: [planning to get his sonic screwdriver out of the shark] You know, there's a real chance the way it's wedged in the doorway is keeping its mouth open.
Kazran as a child: There is?
The Doctor: Just agree with me, 'cause I've only got two goes and then it's your turn.
Kazran as a child: Two goes?
The Doctor: Two arms!
The Doctor: 3 of clubs
The Doctor: Are you sure? Because I'm very good at card tricks.
Eric: It wasn't the 3 of clubs.
The Doctor: Well of course it wasn't, because it was... the seven of diamonds!
The Doctor: Oi! Stop it. You're doing it wrong.
The Doctor: Don't worry... fat fellow will be doing the rounds later. I'm just scoping out the general chimneyness. Yes. Nice sides, good traction.
[Burns his hand on the mantle]
The Doctor: Bit tick.
Eric: Fat fellow?
The Doctor: Father Christmas, Santa Claus. Or, as I've always known him, Jeff.
The Doctor: [to young Karzan about the shark in his room] What do you call it when you don't have any feet, and you're taking a run up?
Amy Pond: Have you got a plan yet?
The Doctor: Yes I do.
Amy Pond: Are you lying?
The Doctor: Yes I am.
Amy Pond: Don't treat me like an idiot!
Rory Williams: Was he lying?
Amy Pond: No, no.
The Doctor: Human beings. You always manage to find the boring alternative, don't you?
Kazran as a child: [unable to see from inside cupboard] Well, what color is it?
The Doctor: [edging away from shark] Big. Big color.
Kazran Sardick: On every world, wherever people are, in the deepest part of the winter, at the exact midpoint, everybody stops, and turns, and hugs, as if to say "Well done. Well done, everyone! We're halfway out of the dark." Back on Earth, we called this Christmas, or the Winter Solstice. On this world, the first settlers called it the Crystal Feast. You know what I call it? I call it expecting something for nothing!
Kazran Sardick: What a clever little boy! You must be so irritated.
Kazran Sardick: What do you want?
The Doctor: A simple life. But you didn't hit the boy.
Kazran Sardick: Well I will next time!
The Doctor: No, but you see, you won't. Why not? What am I missing?
Kazran Sardick: How could he possibly not know who I am?
The Doctor: Well, just easily bored, I suppose.
Kazran Sardick: I cried all night, and I learned life's most invaluable lesson.
The Doctor: Which is?
Kazran Sardick: Nobody comes.
[Doctor and young Kasran hiding in bedroom cupboard]
Kazran as a child: Are there any face spiders in here?
The Doctor: Nah. Not at this time of night. They'll all be sleeping in your mattress.
The Doctor: If I had my screwdriver I could send a sonic pulse and stun it.
Kazran as a child: Well, where's your screwdriver?
The Doctor: Well, concentrating on the pluses
[eyeing the green light emanating from the shark's throat]
The Doctor: , within reach.
Amy Pond: Time can be rewritten.
Kazran Sardick: You tell the Doctor, tell him from me: people can't!
Chief Servant: The president says there is a galaxy-class ship trapped in the cloud layer and, well, we have to let it land.
Kazran Sardick: ...or?
Chief Servant: ...or it will crash, sir.
Kazran Sardick: Ah, well, it's a kind of landing, isn't it?
The Doctor: [looking inside bedroom cupboard] D'you know, there's a thing called a face spider. It's just like a tiny baby, except with spider legs, and it specifically evolved to scuttle up the backs of bedroom cupboards.
[closes cupboard door]
The Doctor: Which... yeah, I probably shouldn't have mentioned.
The Doctor: So, why are you interested in fish?
Kazran as a child: 'Cause they're scary.
The Doctor: Good answer.
Kazran as a child: [from inside the cupboard] What's happening?
The Doctor: [running into the cupboard to escape the shark] Well, concentrating on the pluses, you've definitely got a story of your own now.
The Doctor: ...And I bet I get some very interesting readings from my sonic screwdriver when I get it back from the shark in your bedroom.
[shark is trying to break down the doors]
Kazran as a child: It's going to eat us! It's going to eat us! It's going to eat us!
The Doctor: Well, maybe *we're* going to eat *it*, but I don't like the option!
Kazran Sardick: Everybody has to die.
Amy Pond: Not tonight.
Kazran Sardick: Tonight's as good as any other night. How do you choose?
The Doctor: Sorry about the picture quality. Had to recover the data using quantum enfolding and a paper clip.
Abigail: Look at you. You're so old now. I think you waited a bit too long, didn't you.
Kazran Sardick: I'm sorry.
Abigail: Hoarding my days like an old miser.
Kazran Sardick: Abigail was ill when she went into the ice, to the point of death. I suppose the rest in the ice helped her. But, she's used up her time. All those Christmas eves with me. I can release her any time I want and she would live a single day. So tell me Ghost of Christmas Present, how do I choose which day?