Ritchie is a Glaswegian chancer with low hopes and no prospects. Disillusioned with city life, he goes undercover at a Highland conservation centre to make his fortune as an illegal pearl ...
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Ritchie is a Glaswegian chancer with low hopes and no prospects. Disillusioned with city life, he goes undercover at a Highland conservation centre to make his fortune as an illegal pearl fisher with the help of his two hapless and accident prone mates, Danny and Fraser. Here he meets Beth, a pretty English conservationist passionate about saving endangered mussels from the clutches of pearl thieves in the Scottish Highlands. Falling for her instantly, Ritchie must beat off competition in the form of Highland Ranger Ethan, a smooth talking American Adonis convinced that Beth can't resist his charms forever. After the success of pearl fishing attracts the unwanted attentions of old school Glaswegian mobster Gavin and his work at the centre leads him to question his true motivations, Ritchie must risk life and limb to save the Highlands from ecological disaster and win Beth's heart.Written by
This movie is dreadful, and by dreadful I mean atrocious . . . and by movie I mean fiasco. I'm not sure where to start when describing this insult to cinema, but I will try. This is supposed to be a romantic comedy set in Scotland. It is neither romantic (I checked with my girlfriend on this point) or funny. It is set in Scotland though, of that I am sure. You can tell it's set in Scotland because it has a ceilidh in it. Oh, and kilts. And whisky. And drugs. And working class dope smoking neds. And a soundtrack full of Scottish bands, including of course the ubiquitous Proclaimers. This lazy, patronising, and insulting portrayal of Scotland is however only part of the problem. There are many more reasons to walk 500 miles to escape Scottish Mussel. The writer responsible for this story has tried to cram every single character type known to cinema into one film, giving the unfortunate viewer a one dimensional clichéd pantomime cast list that is both baffling and infuriating in equal measure. The range of Scottish accents from the (mostly) English cast is unintentionally comical, and the lines they have been forced to trot out have to be some of the worst dialogue ever committed to celluloid. There are so many plot holes and implausible dead end story lines, that to list them all would take longer than the running time of the film. Scenes are painful to watch, and are strung together with a staggering degree of ineptitude. I can only assume the editor responsible realised that a well polished turd is still a turd, and curtailed his/her editing efforts accordingly. I was left with an anger and frustration that I have never experienced before from watching a film. What stays with me to this day is the overwhelming confusion over how this film ever came to be. Who read the script and said "oh that's good"? Who watched the dailies and said "oh we're onto a winner here"? And most of all, who stumped up the cash to pay for this vanity project for a first time writer/director who is so far out of her depth she could be diving for mussels herself. Whoever you are, I hope you're pleased with yourself.
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