Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)
Mark Strong: Merlin
Eggsy : Now we've finished the debrief, Harry, here's a couple of welcome back gifts. First up, a brand new Kingsman watch. Advanced software, it can hack into anything with a microchip. It is the bollocks. And, Merlin.
Merlin : I made you these.
[Merlin hands Harry an eyeglass case. Harry opens it]
Harry Hart : A-ha.
[Harry removes his eyepatch and puts on the new glasses]
Harry Hart : Thank you, Merlin, Eggsy. How do I look?
Merlin : You look...
Very Drunk Redneck : Like some faggot lookin' for an eye fuckin'. Now, why don't you get out of our bar before I take out your other one?
Whiskey : Now, is that any way to welcome a visitor from out of town, moonshine?
Very Drunk Redneck : Okay. Suck my southern dick, bitch.
Harry Hart : Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary.
Harry Hart : Good day, sir.
[Harry walks towards the exit]
Very Drunk Redneck : Well, what are you ladies waiting for?
Harry Hart : [locking the front door] Manners... maketh... man. Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.
[Harry slings a beer mug with his umbrella towards the redneck, but misses and Whiskey catches it. He approaches the redneck and his gang, but butterfly hallucinations surround his vision]
Harry Hart : Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to...
[another redneck punches him from the left. Harry struggles to fight with the gang until Whiskey lassos him out of the way]
Whiskey : Well, pick him up. Now that is not what I call a Kentucky welcome. Manners... maketh... man. Let me translate that for you.
[Whiskey begins to rough up the rednecks with his lasso]
Harry Hart : What's wrong with me, Merlin? I thought you fixed me.
Merlin : Well, we rebuilt your neural pathways, but it'll take time to get your coordination back.
[Whiskey attacks the rednecks with his bull whip]
Harry Hart : And the phantom butterflies?
Merlin : You will experience episodes, lapses of clarity. You'll be back to normal soon.
[Whiskey throws the last redneck out the window]
Whiskey : Whoo. I feel like a tornado in a trailer park.
Tequila : You know, my momma... she always told me, 'Us Southerners get our good manners from the British.' So I was thinkin', "Ain't that a pity? Y'all ain't keepin' none for yourself." Y'all ain't ever heard of knockin' before you enter?
Eggsy : Well, a-actually... we had an invitation, didn't we?
Merlin : Yeah.
Tequila : Oh, did you now?
Eggsy : Yeah, yeah, it came in the shape of a bottle? We're from the Kingsman tailor shop in London. Maybe you've heard of us.
Tequila : Oh, the Kingsman!
Merlin : Yeah.
Tequila : Huh. That's where y'all got them fine suits and them fancy spectacles y'all got on.
Merlin : Exactly.
Eggsy : That's right.
Tequila : Y'all look damn sharp. Let me see if I got it right here. You want me to believe that it's normal for a tailor to hack through an advanced biometric security system with nothin' but a little bitty ol' watch on?
[pause; Eggsy and Merlin glance worriedly at each other]
Tequila : I can promise you, though.
[flip-cocks his rifle, points it at them]
Tequila : That dog don't hunt. Won't you go on and get down on your knees and tell me who you really work for?
[pause, then Merlin lets go of the hole he made in a whiskey cask. Tequila spits his chewing tobacco to seal the hole]
Tequila : That's 1963 Statesman Reserve. You've just made it personal.
[Tequila attacks Eggsy and Merlin. He knocks out Merlin and programs Eggsy's dart watch on him]
Eggsy : Who the fuck are you?
[Eggsy falls unconscious from the tranquilizer dart]
Merlin : [singing] Almost heaven, West Virginia, Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River...
[Merlin chops the vines to reveal himself to Poppy's guards]
Confused Guard : Poppy, come in.
Poppy : Roger.
Confused Guard : Are you expecting another lawyer? There's a guy here singing.
Merlin : [singing] Life is older, older than the trees, younger than the mountains, blowin' like a breeze...
Poppy : Singing?
Merlin : [singing] Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong...
Poppy : Bring him to me.
Merlin : [singing] West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country road...
[as the lead guard approaches Merlin with the walkie-talkie, Merlin takes off his glasses and headbutts him. The other guards raise their guns and slowly approach Merlin]
Poppy's Security Gate Guard : Poppy, we got a situation here.
Merlin : [singing] Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong, West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country road...
[Merlin sets off the landmine, killing him and the guards]
Poppy : Ooh. He stepped on a landmine. Can we get somebody out there to clean that up? Hello?
Tequila : A bottle in a secret wall. You really expect me to take that seriously? See, I think your story's horse shit. Y'all just trying to cover for a failed rescue mission. You're here for the lepidopterist, ain't you?
[confused look in Eggsy and Merlin's faces]
Tequila : Okay, so your mystery bottle, huh?
[grabs a bottle of Statesman whiskey]
Tequila : Look anything like that, right there?
Eggsy : Yes. Same brand, much older.
Tequila : All right. Let's see here.
[opens bottle and sniffs the whiskey]
Tequila : You know why the measurement of alcohol content is called 'proof'?
[Tequila starts pouring the whiskey on Eggsy and Merlin]
Eggsy : Oh, fuck off!
Merlin : Oh, for Pete's sake!
Tequila : See, comes from back in the old days when pirates wanted to test the strength of their rum. They used to pour a little bit out on gunpowder.
[drinks a little]
Tequila : Oh, that'll make you wanna slap your mama right there, boy. And then the gunpowder, if it burnt when they set it alight, they considered it proof
[splashes more whiskey]
Tequila : that their rum was good and strong. But see, I ain't got no gunpowder on me, do I? But I'm pretty sure you boys'll make just as impressive of a sound when I set your balls on fire.
[Tequila pulls out a lighter as Merlin chuckles]
Tequila : Or you could just tell me who the fuck y'all really are and how the hell you found us.
Merlin : Look, for the last time, we have nothing to protect but our honor. So you can take your cheap horse piss that you call whiskey, which, by the way, is spelled without an 'e' and is nothing compared to a single malt scotch and you can go fuck yourself.
Tequila : What about you?
Eggsy : Me?
Tequila : Yeah.
Eggsy : No, I love a Jack and Coke, bruv. But I do agree with the part where you go fuck yourself.
[Egsy, Harry, and Merlin sneak through the jungle near Poppy Land]
Harry Hart : [whispering] Right. This is where we split up. Pincer movement. Merlin, you're with me. Eggsy, you signal when we're in position.
[Eggsy moves forward and suddenly hears a click and a beeping sound. He realizes he's stepped on a landmine]
Merlin : [whispering] Don't move. You move, we die.
[Merlin opens briefcase and pulls out a deodorant can]
Merlin : Luckily I have this.
[Merlin clears the dirt around the landmine trigger and starts spraying under Eggsy's foot]
Merlin : This spray will freeze the trigger mechanism, give us a... a split second. So on the count of three, what I want you to...
[Merlin pushes Eggsy away from the landmine]
Eggsy : Merlin!
[another click and beeping sound, as Eggsy and Harry realize that Merlin has put his foot on the landmine]
Eggsy : [whispering] Merlin, what the fuck have you done?
Merlin : Our journey together began many years ago, when your father did the same thing for us.
Harry Hart : [whispering] Our journey began with a mistake I made. Give me the can. That's an order.
Merlin : Can's empty. Split second's over. You two need to get going.
Eggsy : [whispering] No, no, no. There's got to be another way.
Harry Hart : [whispering] He's right. Mission comes first.
Eggsy : [whispering] Bollocks, mission comes first!
Merlin : Eggsy! This is no time for emotion. Remember your training. Or we all die. Now get on with it.
Harry Hart : [whispering] Do as you're told! Move it!
[pause, then Eggsy grabs the briefcase]
Merlin : Go.
[Eggsy walks away and Harry salutes Merlin]
Harry Hart : It's been an honor.
Merlin : Good luck.
[Merlin enters the Statesman plane's main lounge, all dressed up]
Eggsy : Hey, hey. Looking good, Merlin.
Merlin : Feeling good, Eggsy. Right.
[hands umbrella to Harry]
Merlin : This is yours.
[hands briefcase to Eggsy]
Merlin : That's for you.
[Merlin opens the billiard table to reveal a weapons chest. He hands a baseball bat to Harry]
Merlin : Press the 'S'.
[top end of the bat opens]
Merlin : Minesweeper. Courtesy of Statesman.
Eggsy : [grabs a baseball] And what about these?
Merlin : Careful. Those are hand grenades.
[Merlin grabs an eyeglass case and hands it to Eggsy]
Merlin : As discussed, this is for the endgame. I'm entrusting it to you.
[Eggsy opens the case to reveal a syringe]
Merlin : And I'm entrusting this...
[Merlin grabs the largest knife in the arsenal]
Merlin : ...to me.
[Eggsy enters the Kingsman briefing room]
Arthur : Ah, Galahad! You're late. We were wondering if you'd had a second encounter with Charlie.
Eggsy : I wish. I'm looking forward to finishing him off.
[Eggsy sits down and puts on his glasses to greet the holographic projections of the other agents]
Eggsy : All right, gents.
[Merlin enters the room]
Arthur : Merlin, come in. Galahad and Lancelot, please remain for Merlin's debrief. Everyone else, reconvene at 1900 hours.
[the other agents sign off as Merlin activates the main screen]
Merlin : So, the man who attacked Galahad in the taxi was Charlie Hesketh, rejected Kingsman applicant turned bad. We last saw him back at Richmond Valentine's HQ.
[Merlin plays the security footage of Eggsy knocking out Charlie]
Merlin : Like everyone else there, Charlie had a security implant in his neck. A weakness we had no choice but to exploit.
[security footage shows the heads of Valentne's guests exploding]
Eggsy : [recalling Merlin's words] Hey Merlin. Still fucking spectacular, eh?
Eggsy : Come on, guys. Loosen up. We saved the world.
Merlin : Yeah. Unfortunately, Galahad, you also saved Charlie. When you electrocuted him, you damaged his implant. Instead of his head exploding, he only lost an arm and his vocal chords.
Eggsy : Fucker should be thanking me.
Arthur : And now he's back for revenge?
Merlin : We don't think so, sir. We believe he's being recruited by an unknown organization. Lancelot?
Roxy : Got the police autopsy reports from Charlie's colleagues in the SUVs. They're not just goons for hire. Fingerprints removed. Teeth filed smooth. I did a face recognition. Nothing.
Arthur : And that thing?
Roxy : A cosmetic tattoo made of 24-karat gold. They all had them. Seems like we're looking at some kind of underworld organization.
Clara : What's the matter?
Eggsy : Nothing. I just feel that our spirit animals need more time to get in sync and find a harmonious bond on the spiritual plane.
Clara : Totally.
Eggsy : Yeah?
Clara : Or we could just...
Clara : fuck?
Eggsy : Clara, I don't think I can.
[Clara turns around to grab her robe. Eggsy suddenly notices the Golden Circle tattoo on her back]
Eggsy : But you know what? My crow is looking for a place to nest.
[Eggsy secretly puts on the finger condom as he kisses Clara. He then places his hand under her panties and inserts the tracking device]
Merlin : Good work, Eggsy! Tracker fully functional.
Ginger : Don't worry. I've been through this with Whiskey before. Nice to be working with an agent who knows what he's doing.
[Eggsy destroys the thugs chasing him at Hyde Park]
Merlin : No time to relax. Police are right behind you. You have 30 seconds before they reach your position. Go directly to Rendezvous Swan.
[Eggsy stops the cab by the lake]
Eggsy : Merlin, you do realize I haven't even got a windscreen right now?
Merlin : I seem to remember in your training you were rather good at holding your breath.
[as police close in on him, Eggsy drives the cab into the lake and holds his breath before transforming it into a submarine. He reaches the secret entrance, gasping for breath as water is drained from the entrance]
Merlin : It wasn't a revenge mission. Charlie could've just killed you immediately. Not boasting, but I trained him well enough that even he wouldn't mess that up.
Eggsy : Merlin, I'm sorry, we're gonna have to do the debrief tomorrow. I've got to get to a dinner tonight and if I miss it, let's just say Charlie might as well have killed me.
Merlin : Well, if you can't wait for the police to clear the park, there's another way out in the corner.
[through Eggsy's glasses, Merlin points at the manhole in front of the cab. Eggsy opens the manhole and gags at the sight and smell of raw sewage]
Eggsy : [coughs] Fuck!
Merlin : How important is that dinner?
Eggsy : [sighs] Let me show you.
[Eggsy jumps into the sewer]
[Eggsy stands by the ruins of Kingsman Tailors. He notices a figure emerging from the other side and pulls his gun at him, only to discover that it is Merlin]
Eggsy : Someone decides to wipe out every Kingsman property, every agent, and somehow, conveniently, you weren't at home!
Merlin : I could say the same thing about you.
Eggsy : What, you think I'd kill Roxy? And my mate Brandon, and my fucking dog?
Merlin : No. You think I would?
[Merlin pulls out Charlie's robotic arm from his bag]
Merlin : This thing... hacked us. Clearly, this arm can be remotely controlled. I'm only alive because my address wasn't on the database with the agents. Whoever Charlie's working with doesn't think that mere staff are missile-worthy.
Eggsy : This ain't funny. Roxy is dead! Everyone's dead! Gone! Do you even care?
Merlin : Pull yourself together! Remember your training. There's no time for emotion in this scenario.
Merlin : Now, as all surviving agents are present, we follow the doomsday protocol. When that's done, and only then, you may shed a tear in private.
Eggsy : Okay. What's the doomsday protocol?
Merlin : We go shopping.
[Eggsy and Merlin enter Berry Bros. & Rudd winery]
Merlin : We're from Kingsman. We'd like to buy some wine. And use tasting room number three, please.
[Eggsy and Merlin enter the tasting room]
Merlin : Not one of my predecessors has ever been in this situation before. Thank God.
[Merlin looks at a wall crest]
Merlin : A-ha.
[Merlin pulls out a Kingsman medallion]
Merlin : Remember this?
Eggsy : Yeah, how could I forget?
[Merlin places the medallion on the crest, opening it to reveal a safe]
Merlin : Whatever's in that safe is the answer to all our problems.
[Merlin opens the safe, only to find a bottle of Statesman whiskey]
Eggsy : Is that it?
Merlin : I suppose that must be upper-class humor. I don't get it.
Eggsy : Me neither. What the fuck are we supposed to do now?
Merlin : I think we should drink a toast to our fallen comrades.
[Merlin opens the bottle and pours some whiskey for himself and Eggsy]
Eggsy : To Roxy.
Merlin : Roxy.
[they toast to Roxy]
Merlin : Ooh.
[Merlin pours another round]
Merlin : To Arthur.
Eggsy : Arthur.
[they toast to Arthur]
Eggsy : Mmm. Should we do one for JB?
Merlin : I think we should.
[they both sit down and pour more rounds]
Merlin : [sobbing] I should have seen it coming. Charlie, the taxi. It's all my fault.
Eggsy : No, that's bullshit. Bullshit, Merlin. It ain't all your fault. You're the best, bruv. Honestly, without you, I'd have lost it a long time ago.
Merlin : I think we should drink to Scotland.
Eggsy : [grabs bottle from Merlin] I think we've probably had enough, to be honest.
Merlin : You're probably right.
[Eggsy looks at the bottle's back label, which reads 'Distilled in Kentucky', only with the K in the form of the Kingsman logo]
Eggsy : Merlin.
Merlin : Aye?
Eggsy : I think we're going to Kentucky.
Merlin : Fried chicken? I love fried chicken.
Eggsy : No. Proper Kentucky. Look.
[Eggsy shows Merlin the bottle]
Tequila : All right. Y'all ain't got nothing to protect other than your honor. Let's see what happens when we change things up.
[Tequila changes the glass window on the wall, revealing Harry shaving]
Merlin : Harry!
Eggsy : Fuck me!
Tequila : Y'all got three seconds to tell the truth.
[Tequila pulls out his gun and points it at Harry]
Merlin : Wait! No!
Eggsy : Harry!
Tequila : He can't hear you, but I can. So talk.
Merlin : No!
Eggsy : Get down, Harry!
Tequila : That's two.
Tequila : Three.
Ginger : Stop!
[Ginger enters the room and throws an umbrella at Tequila]
Ginger : Their story checked out. I opened our doomsday scenario locker and that umbrella was in it. Kingsman. It's got our logo on it.
[Tequila looks at the 'Kingsman London' label on the umbrella handle, with the 'S' in the form of the Statesman logo. Ginger dries up Eggsy and Merlin]
Ginger : I'm really sorry.
Tequila : My apologies, boys. I'd, I hope there ain't no hard feelings. I was just doin' my job. Welcome to Statesman, independent intelligence agency. Just like y'all, I reckon. But our founders went into the booze business. Thank the sweet Lord above. This is Ginger Ale. She's our strategy executive.
Ginger : Hello.
Tequila : I'm Agent Tequila.
Eggsy : This is the part where you untie us.
[Eggsy and Merlin enter Harry's room]
Eggsy : Harry.
Harry Hart : Hello.
Eggsy : Hello, mate.
[Eggsy approaches Harry to hug him, but Harry backs away. Merlin approaches Harry with a handshake]
Merlin : Harry.
Harry Hart : How do you do? Have we met before?
Eggsy : Harry, it's okay. It's fine. They know that we know you.
Harry Hart : I think there must be some mistake.
Merlin : It's been such a long time, Harry. I need to get my brogues resoled.
Eggsy : Yeah, and my oxfords are done in as well.
Harry Hart : Why are you telling me about your shoes?
Harry Hart : I'm a lepidopterist.
Eggsy : You're a what?
Harry Hart : I study butterflies.
[Harry points at his butterfly drawings on the walls]
Merlin : Well, you wanted to be before you joined the Army, but... Harry, look at me.
[Merlin points a finger for Harry to look at with his right eye]
Merlin : It's good to see you.