Jon Stewart - Host: Finally, it's the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We can't do anything because we do not yet know everything. We cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the world agrees gay marriage vaccines won't cause our children to marry goats, who are gonna come for our guns.
Jon Stewart - Host: So rather than say goodbye or good night, I'm just gonna say I'm gonna go get a drink, and I'm sure I'll see you guys before I leave. That's our show. I thank you so much for the privilege of being able to perform it for you, for the privilege of being able to do it, and so, here it is, my moment of zen.
Jon Stewart - Host: Whenever something's been titled Freedom Family Fairness Health America, take a good long sniff.
Jon Stewart - Host: Thank you. Good night.
Jon Stewart - Host: The best defense against bullshit is vigilance, so if you see something, say something.
Jon Stewart - Host: You know, speaking of shooting, let's go overseas to our Middle East correspondent Bassem Youssef. Bassem, are you there?
Bassem Youssef: [pops out from under a blanket] Jon, I knew that they would eventually get to you! Who's shutting you down? The White House? The secret police? Thanks, Obama!
Jon Stewart - Host: No, no one's shutting the show down, Bassem. I'm... I'm leaving because I want to.
Bassem Youssef: Whoa. That's it?
Jon Stewart - Host: Yeah.
Bassem Youssef: What a pussy.
Jon Stewart - Host: Lord Vader? Is that you?
Darth Vader: Stewart, I am more machine than man, twisted and evil, responsible for the deaths of billions of sentient beings, but it has come to my attention you have been comparing me to Dick Cheney. That seems a bit harsh.
Jon Stewart - Host: I just thought there was something Sith Lord-y about you and him and I just thought that...
Darth Vader: Let us be clear: there is the Dark Side, and then there is whatever he calls his sick thing.
Jon Stewart - Host: No, I... I didn't mean it. I...
Darth Vader: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to shooting your friend in the face.