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It Lives in the Attic (2016)
A friend of mine illegally downloaded this (yes illegally) and boy if there ever was a case for justifying the use of illegal downloads then this is it.
Anyone who has paid money to see this amateurish, pointless student project, should be taking legal action to get their money back.
It's bad, how bad I hear you ask? Bad even for a student film that obviously cost about $20 to produce.
If you enjoy watching home movies with people who can't act, special effects that are just that "special", camera work that is simply a dude running around with his mobile phone on record and lighting that jumps around all over the place, from bad to almost unwatchable, then by all means, give it a try, otherwise, avoid it at all costs.
Little Mermaid (2016)
Could have made a better film using my smartphone
Funny how the few "glowing" reviews of this are from people who signed up a month ago and wrote ONE review saying how magical this is.
Trust me, it's awful, slow, depressing, poorly filmed, woefully acted, reeks of micro budget and it's just a painful watch.
It's not often I come across a film like this, that is so terrible, it makes you question how some people really are allowed to make movies. This really does feel like something that was put together for public access TV.
I'm guessing that given another month or so, the rating numbers on here will drop drastically once the honest ratings from genuine movie goers are totted up.
Real bottom of the barrel stuff with zero redeeming features I'm afraid.
Horizon Zero Dawn (2017)
No where near as good as people are making out
OK let's get this out of the way first, Horizon Zero dawn is an insanely good looking game, the graphics and sound design are probably the best on the PS4 to date.
The open world is massive and there's lots of fun to be had here.
However, there is far more wrong with this game than some people are making out, controls that don't always work properly, I've found myself in the heat of battle several times and had to wait a second for my button press to translate to the screen. This might not sound like a lot but this is one of those games where timing is the key and every second counts. That seconds pause between you pressing the buttons and your character using a trap or potion or taking a swing at an enemy, is often the difference between you getting through a battle or being killed.
You have to light fires to save your game and quite a few times I've found myself putting in over an hours play, collecting and building my carry pouches etc, only to walk right into a herd of machines and get killed. It then re-starts you at your last save point, stripping you of all your collectables and upgrades. This wouldn't be a problem if you were allowed to save your game spontaneously like most games these days, but no, you have to find a camp fire to save, no matter how many hours work you've put in, and sometimes, these can be miles apart. This just does not work in an open world setting.
Enemies, now I'm all for a challenge but some of these groups of enemies come in large packs and take a hell of a lot to put down. You can barely walk in any direction for more than 10 or 20 seconds before walking into another group of enemies. And as soon as you kill them in one area, when you leave that area, they just re-spawn. They do this over and over and so you never really get a chance to explore anything, as soon as you start to look around or you want to stalk and hunt an animal for the materials to upgrade your carry pouches, you're thrown head first into yet another fight with the exact same enemies you've just killed 30 seconds ago. This can get really repetitive.
Water and swimming are a real chore in this game, if you find yourself having to swim for any reason, then prepare for a struggle, the controls are sluggish and even trying to climb out of water is a bind. You literally have allow your character to stop swimming and then jump just to get out, this can be tragic when you're being chased by robots that don't seem to suffer from this problem.
And don't even get me started on the invisible walls, they're awful. The game will force you to travel miles around in a complete circle rather than let you take the most logical route. Half of the invisible walls are not even there to keep you in the sandbox area, they're actually scattered around the wilderness to force you into making unnecessarily long winded trips to get where you need to go. It's infuriating at times.
Bugs, yes there are quite a few, most of them are minor but there are a few that literally break the game. In one mission, you are meant to follow someone into a set of ruins, but if you leave that area to stock up on a few supplies first or to take on another quest, once you get back there, the game glitches out and you can't get back into the ruins to complete the mission, this completely kills the game as it's one of the main quests. Your only option is start the game from scratch or wait for Guerrilla to bring out a patch to fix this so you can continue.
Even the story, missions and quests are getting rave reviews but I have no idea why. The story so far has been quite bland and uninteresting, the missions are the exact same you'll find in every other open world RPG, please help me, can you fetch me this, can you please help me defend that, can you fetch me some more of that, you get the general idea.
The game is getting a lot of praise because it doesn't hold your hand and lets you discover, well yes, it does do this and it can be a deep and rich experience, however, half the time you don't even know what things in your inventory are for, there's almost no explanation of anything to do with in game mechanics and things like modding your weapons with stats such as "handling" mean nothing. There's no explanation of what the handling stat is and so applying this to a slingshot or a ropecaster gives you, errm, I'm not entirely sure. I agree with games not holding your hand too much and making things too easy but come on, an explanation of what items, mods, game mechanics and upgrades are, is essential, need to know information.
Seriously, do not believe the 10 star reviews and people claiming this is the best game ever. It's a good game, don't get me wrong and there's plenty to like if you can get past the bugs and game play mechanics but there's a shed load wrong with it at the same time. Barring the awesome graphics and sound (which are stunning), there's really nothing new in terms of game play that you haven't seen before if you've played, Far Cry 4, Fallout 4 or Mass effect.
I'm hoping patches, as and when they're made available, will fix some of these issues but this really is the very last time I buy a game on launch day. They're just not worth the hassle.
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Ruined by the female lead
This had all the hallmarks of a great live action fantasy epic. Brilliant visuals and great effects, a half decent story with some interesting characters, and of course, it's Disney. What could possibly go wrong?
2 words, Emma Watson.
I know Ms Watson has legions of fans who'll watch anything she is in just because of her Harry Potter connections but almost everything I see her in, she ruins. She has the acting range of a wooden block, her delivery is so stilted here, that it completely takes you out of the film and her facial expressions never seem to change. Seriously, she could have been wearing a mask in this and you wouldn't have been able to tell any difference, she just stares blankly and looks disinterested for the whole film. She's awful as Belle and her dialogue delivery is cringe inducing. I lost count of the amount of times I rolled my eyes when she tried to convey any emotion, it was embarrassing.
Now, I'm not trying to simply beat up Emma Watson because I dislike her, it isn't that at all, but when someone in a film is so bad they make the film almost impossible to enjoy, it really needs to be pointed out.
This could have been a great fantasy epic but I myself couldn't wait for it to end. Shame really, had they have cast an actress with a morsal of talent or acting skill, this could have been really good.
Stick to the original animated film, it's far better.
No doubt it will still make tons of cash though.
On par with Creepshow 3 as the worst horror anthology ever made
Seriously, WTF did I just sit through? I was quite looking forward to this when I read about it coming out, I love horror anthology movies, even some of the less worthy ones tend to have some form of enjoyment, or a poorly executed but good idea in there.
But this, I don't know what to say, stories that have no meaning, no sense, no thrills or horror, almost zero gore, no suspense and worst of all, every single story is groundbreakingly boooooring. I don't know how it's possible to make something this dull without it being on purpose.
I kept at it because I thought "the next story will surely be better than the one I just watched" and yet each story was either equally as bad or worse than the one before it.
The acting ranges from competent to appalling and the entire film seems to have been shot with a light bulb over the camera, as even in the dark everything seems to be blindingly bright, you'll need sunglasses just to get through it.
And don't even get me started on the wraparound segments, weird, cheap looking stop motion animation, with an odd porcelain doll type thing opening doors to each segment. Really, really odd.
I can honestly say that Creepshow 3 is the only horror anthology I have ever seen, that I got absolutely zero enjoyment from.....Until I watched this and now I'm at a loss as to which one was worse.
4 women directors were given free reign over the material and the best they could come up with was this tripe, really gives female directors a bad rep.
There really is nothing to enjoy in this snoozefest, go re-watch V/H/S 2 or one of the first 2 Creepshow movies again instead and appreciate what a decent horror anthology should look like, you'll thank me for it later.
Good Tidings (2016)
Bad tidings (spoilers)
What an absolute pile of garbage this is.
Cheap, corny synth dance music that bellows out every time there's an action scene.
Some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a horror film, poor acting, one woman overacts so badly that it becomes a major distraction.
Characters that do some of the dumbest things you'll ever see in a movie.
There must be over 20 deaths in the film and you don't see any of them bar one at the end, all you get is close ups of someones face or a cheap cut away followed by a thump noise and then you see the supposed victim with a bit of blood on their face or a rubber accessory glued to their body.
People who are supposed to be dead, yet they are blatantly moving or breathing.
Fight scenes that are so badly choreographed that it feels like you are watching 2 kids fight over a lollypop.
Victims that are exactly that, seriously, not one character bar the main dude can fight, attack or defend themselves, they pretty much just lay down and say, "here you go, stick a knife in my chest (off camera of course), i don't mind"
There are so many scenes of the killers staring up close at the victims faces and then titling their heads back and forth and these scenes go on forever, they just heavy breathe and laugh like Mutley the dog for no reason, it really is uncomfortable (and not in a good way) to watch.
Editing that is ridiculously amateurish, the list of gripes is endless.
This is obviously a micro budget horror film made in or around Liverpool but it's just so poorly made, that all it makes you do is slap your forehead and roll your eyes every few minutes.
Yes the Santa outfits are pretty creepy and the idea is OK for a horror film, but that's about all i can say positive about what i just sat through.
Seriously, avoid this Christmas turkey at all costs, it won't even please the so bad it's good crowd because it isn't even laugh worthy, it's just an embarrassing and uncomfortable watch.
Oh and spoiler!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You never get to see the killers faces nor do you ever find out who they are or what their motivations are, no back story, no explanation where they even came from or why they choose to break into the place where the killing spree happens....It's one of those films where the killers are there for one reason, to bump off the cast. It's just a shame you never actually get to see any of the cast get killed.
One of the worst films ever made....And there's a sequel???
Seriously, the guy who made this film needs banning from ever touching a camera ever again. This is bad, not bad in a "so bad it's good" way, just plain bad.
The plot is like something you'd expect a 6 year old to write for a school project, the acting is so bad it's cringeworthy and the special effects...Wow! The special effects! These actually make the SyFy channel and The Asylum movies effects look Oscar worthy, I have seen better computer graphics on SNES games and that's being honest, God it even makes the likes of Flash and Flesh Gordon look like James Cameron's Avatar.
The only redeeming feature this film has and I mean ONLY, is the soundtrack which was actually kind of cool in a cheesy sci-fi kind of way. And the worst thing about this is, THERE'S A SEQUEL!!!! No way! HOW did these guys get funding to make a second film? I'm amazed. Safe to say i will not be making any waves to watch that one, I really don't want to have to spend another hour and a half watching anymore of this complete drivel 4.9 at the time of writing, trust me, most of these ratings are plants. The only film i can ever remember seeing that was on such a low par as this was Birdemic. Avoid!
Dead Sea (2014)
One of the worst films I've seen in a long time
Pro's: It ends.
Con's: It's boring, boring to the point of complete tedium.
The characters are the most, miserable, nasty and downright unlikable cast you will ever see. I literally wanted them ALL to die.
The effects, they're aren't any, a little bit of blood in the water and lump of rubber that jabs into a leg over and over as the camera shakes around all over the place, so you can't tell what you are looking at. You NEVER see the monster barring a quick flash of some kind of teeth in the last few minutes.
The plot, seriously, it actually does have a nice idea in there somewhere but the story just keeps jumping from one set of people in one location, to another set in another location, while trying to cleverly follow about 5 different story threads. It just becomes confusing and fails miserably. The actual monster plot takes up about 5 minutes of the whole film, the rest might just as well have been a dull family drama.
The camera work, sound and lighting in this film are dreadful. Shaky camera work, bad lighting and sound that at some points, is so low that you can't hear anything and then in other parts, it's loud and bellowing.
The artwork for the poster is misleading and the people named on the poster are only in it for a few minutes. James Duvall must have about 2 or 3 minutes of screen time, it's ridiculous.
All in all a really dull, boring and poorly made, horror (sniggers) film. Avoid!
Gallery of Fear (2012)
Ha ha ha
8 x 10 ratings and 2 x 9's, trust me and I can say this with massive confidence, they are votes from people related to the making of this pile of garbage film. The acting is like some of the worst I have ever seen (and 2 of them won awards lol) Think Troma type of acting, and you'll know what to expect. The dialogue is unreal, to think that grown adults wrote the dialogue for this film is frightening, people just say the most pointless and inappropriate things and act like complete retards most of the time, it's stupid. The camera and sound design are ridiculous, poor colour and picture quality and sound that goes up and down at will, in some scenes you can barely hear the people speak while in others their voices are bellowing out of your TV. The effects lol seriously, they have to be seen to be believed, there's a monster in the film that looks like a sock puppet on strings, it's hilarious and the music sounds like something your 6 year old would play on his toy Casio keyboard. Avoid this trash at all costs, this was a 6.8 last week as all the 9's and 10's were voted for in one go and now it's come down to under a 5 rating, trust me, it will drop even lower once the REAL Honest votes flood in. It's terrible even for its obvious tiny budget. AVOID!!!
Don't believe the score on here.
22 votes and a 6.3 - Most of which I'm guessing are connected to the films production in some way. The acting is of the worst I have ever seen in a supposed horror film, the story is OK but is so poorly executed and boring that it's hard to stay interested in what's going on. I found myself pottering about and doing other things while it was playing because I was so utterly bored. The effects (What few there are), would make the Asylum blush in embarrassment.
This is a terrible, zero budget and completely boring film with absolutely no redeeming features. The acting, camera work, music, direction and SFX are bottom of the barrel stuff.
Avoid at all costs. 1/10
A cracking horror gem
Having really enjoyed the first V/H/S, I was eager to see what they could do with a 2nd entry. To be honest, if you didn't like the first one then the chances are you won't like this one either but I for one loved it. It improves over V/H/S in every way, it's got better production values, has less shaky camera work (one of most viewers main complaints about the first outing) it has better effects, more gore, more jumps and scares and is an absolute belter of a horror film.
As with the first film we are introduced by the wraparound segment, which is about 2 private investigators who are sent to look for a missing teenager. When they arrive at his house, there seems to be no one home but there are a group of TV screens and VHS video recorders surrounded by various tapes in his living room. The investigators decide to watch some of the tapes, and as with the first film, the rest of the movie is based around what disturbing things lurk on these tapes. And in between each tape we get to see the events in the teenagers house, with the investigators realising that maybe they are not alone.
We get to view 4 tapes in all, each one directed by a different horror genre director, the segments are as follows:
CLINICAL TRIALS: Directed by Adam Wingard (V/H/S, The ABC's of death): A man gets fitted with a bionic eye after a car accident and this story is told directly through his vision from this implant. As soon as he returns home, he starts to see an array of ghosts that seem to be hell bent on getting his attention. This is the weakest of the 4 stories but that doesn't mean it's bad, it's still quite creepy and nervy if feeling a little rushed. 6.5/10
A RIDE IN THE PARK: Directed by Greg Hale and Eduardo Sanchez (Blair witch project): This one is a zombie movie with a difference, a guy is on a bike ride through the woods with a camera attachment on his bike helmet. He comes across a screaming woman and jumps off of the bike to try to help. Problem is, she turns out to be a zombie and bites the chap on the bike. The rest of the story is told through the helmet camera and follows our main character, as he himself, changes into a zombie and then goes on the rampage to quench his thirst for blood. This one was awesome, it's a completely new take on the tired zombie genre and it really breathes new life into it. There's gore a plenty and a very unique take which give this segment a really good vibe. 9/10
SAFE HAVEN: Directed by Gareth Evans (The Raid): Now me personally, am not the biggest fan of subtitles, not because I'm lazy or ignorant but more to do with my not so pristine eyesight. So after the first few minutes of this segment I was huffing and puffing as most of the characters in this were speaking Indonesian. I had no idea of the surprise/treat I was in for. This is the longest segment about a documentary film crew, who get the chance to enter the sacred grounds of an Indonesian cult and interview their leader. Once inside however (without spoiling it) all hell breaks loose (literally) This segment completely blew me away, it was tense, shocking in places and gory as hell (no pun intended) I completely forgot that I was reading subtitles as I was completely engrossed in the shocking events unfolding on screen. Well worth watching the film for on its own. Brilliant horror gem 10/10
SLUMBER PARTY ALIEN ABDUCTION: Directed by Joe Eisener (Hobo with a shotgun): OK after the last segment this was always going to be a bit of a let down. It is about a group of obnoxious kids who like to play pranks on their older siblings. after a couple of pranks however, they suddenly become the targets of alien beings, who are hell bent on abducting them all. This segment did have its moments and is all filmed by a dog (yes, you heard me right, a dog) It is interesting enough and the alien beings are quite scary but the thing that let this one down for me was the ridiculously shaky camera work. at times I couldn't see what was happening and yet, I was still sufficiently engrossed in the events that were unfolding. Definitely the creepiest segment but it has the poorest camera work. 7/10
Overall: Definitely the best horror anthology film to come out in years. It's gory and gruesome, scary in parts, funny in others, has some great ideas and is a complete fun thrill ride. 9/10
Attack of the boring hoody zombies
I don't know what to say about this atrocity of a film. It's basically one guy in the midst of a zombie apocalypse who then stumbles into survivors. One just happens to be a born leader, another a nurse, another one a C.I.A agent, and one's a scientist yada yada yaa. We then get loads of dull boring dialogue and wouldn't you know it, The group are trimmed down just enough so that all of the survivors end up paired off with each other (Yawn) Add to this some very basic make up effects, poor acting and a pace that your average garden snail would leave in a cloud of dust and you have Extinction. One nice twist is that the zombies do mutate in this film and evolve, which I thought was a nice idea. However, when it's as poorly executed as this the nice idea is killed off. I mean, I can accept the fact that the zombies mutate into black faced devil type creatures but I can't for one minute buy the fact that their clothes evolve into jogging pants and hoodies at the same time. Dreadful film!
Sand Sharks (2012)
Hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha (choke!) (gag) (wheeze) hahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha ((Stops for a moment to wipe a tear from his eye)) Hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha (gasp!) (chuckle) (gip!)
(((takes a few deep breaths to calm his hysterics)))
I've just finished watching this film and it's a hoot! There's really not much more I can say about this unbelievably awful film. The acting, the script (what there is of one) the props, the special (hahahaha) effects (they have to be seen to be believed, I honestly haven't laughed this much in years) everything is so bad it's hilarious. One line in the film is a parody from Jaws but instead of "smile you son of a bitch" so heroically belted out by the great Roy Scheider, this donk yells out "smile you SAND of a bitch" (No seriously, this really is in the film I ain't kidding) We're talking reaching the bottom of the barrel here, breaking through the bottom and digging down until you can't dig anymore and then pitching a pile of dynamite at the end just to go that few feet lower. This film is THAT bad. A 2.6 rating on here? Most of the votes pushing this up have got to be joke votes or the director and casts families, this deserves to be lower than a 1.0 for sure "One more time for the road...Hahahahahahahaha
Blood Runs Cold (2011)
Hollywood take note
If this film had have been done on a budget of $10m I would have gladly given it a solid 6 or 7 out of 10 but for the $5000 it took to make, it deserves a full 10 out of 10 plus. How on earth do you produce a film as good as this for so little cash? There's plenty of scares, some decent gore, an absolutely brilliant looking killer, seriously, they don't come much creepier than this one and the gore effects are top notch. It doesn't look cheap either, the camera work is fairly competent and looks far in excess of its meagre budget. The only quibble I'd have is with acting, which isn't the best if I'm honest but hey, for $5000 this is superb. I'd like to see what this director can do with a real budget. It was far better than some of the big budget dross that Hollywood churns out these days.
How this has a score of 5.0 on here is beyond a joke. The first 25 mins or so were quite good with an interesting premise but then it just went completely downhill. Everything just seemed completely pointless and is never really explained. And the ending was, well, I don't know what is was but it made no sense whatsoever. The acting, music and camera-work were competent enough but the whole film seemed like it had just been made up as they went along. If you're going to make a film, at least start by having a point to it, this one didn't. So if you are looking for something interesting or exciting then avoid this one like the plague. It left me feeling cheated and quite depressed.
Prime example to never take IMDb's ratings seriously
I only tracked this down because of the ludicrously high ratings this film has on here. The reviews are all glowing and make the film sound great. The truth? It's a complete waste of time. The idea is different and would be pretty cool if the film itself wasn't so poor. It is literally a film crew following around a wannabe serial killer as he plans and commits his crimes, but instead of being unnerved and freaked out by his actions, the film crew seem completely at ease with proceedings. The acting is atrocious, the films crew are so completely annoying that it's hard to give them any credibility. The guy who plays Leslie Vernon is more like a Jim Carrey impersonator than a serious threat to the likes of Michael Myers, Freddie Kruger and Jason Voorhees. I have read countless reviews saying how witty and humorous this film is...WHERE? It is simply full of college type jokes and juvenile gags. I see this film being compared to Scream but that is an insult to Wes Craven. In retrospect, this film is a cheap, tacky, pale imitation of a typical slasher flick. It is dull, boring, unfunny, poorly acted, poorly scripted and a complete waste of over 90 minutes. What Robert England was doing in this is beyond me. Awful film.
This film should come with a health warning
((((Violently tries to yank the rating button into a minus))) GRRR
OMG! How could they? How dare they? Is it a crime to want to viciously murder a youth?
This has to be THE SINGLE WORST movie ever made, how do you turn a classic thing like Ace Ventura into this monstrosity of a film? The kid ((Blood boils just thinking about him)) Who in their right minds thought the kid could act? He needs putting down, who thought this eye gougingly terrible script held even one bit of mirth? Who even thought that this film was a good idea to start with?
I need to go see a shrink as watching this film has completely destroyed my faith in humanity, it has taken my will to live. Please heed my warning, if you see this film in the bargain bins at your local video store, buy every copy you can, take them outside, stamp them into tiny pieces and then burn the crumbs, it really is THAT bad :0(
10 stars? Are you joking?
I can't get my head around all the people giving this film 10 stars and claiming it's one of the best horrors ever made. I like early 80's horror films and as cheesy as some of them are, you have to appreciate that they were made near on 30 years ago. This however, was one painful watch.
The Good: The gore and effects were very well done for the time and still hold their own now. Credit where it's due but that's about it.
The Bad: The cheesy god-awful music just bellows out at the most inappropriate times and then cuts off without warning. How a horrific scene is supposed to have any effect when cheesy 70's pop music blurts out of nowhere is beyond me.
The acting is atrocious, most of actors are Italian and are dubbed over in English, this is all fine and dandy but the shock horror expressions that they pull are hilarious. Their over the top facial expressions and body movements totally distract you from everything else that's going on.
The plot, there isn't one. Seriously, woman inherits old hotel, said hotel is built over the gateway to hell, lots of random people die for no real reason, the end.
The deaths, people just lie there and get eaten or covered in acid or torn apart by zombies without even bothering to move or trying to escape.
Common sense, there isn't any. In one scene the 2 leads are being chased by extremely slow zombies and the male lead shoots about 10 zombies in the chest and gut to no avail. Then he shoots a couple in the head and they drop to the floor. Seems simple enough right? Hit them in the head and you kill them, hit them anywhere else and it's a wasted bullet. So why oh why does this bumbling idiot waste the next 20 or so bullets shooting the zombies in the chest and shoulder?
The blind woman, she has to be the most annoying actress ever. In one scene she thinks someone is in her living room and she backs into a corner and she screams and shouts...And screams and shouts...And shouts and screams...And so on and so forth for a good 5 minutes, "no, no go away leave me alone" she wails constantly, over and over for 5 solid minutes, it completely did my head in and was totally unnecessary.
The scares, there aren't any, there is nothing scary about this film at all, sure, there's a decent amount of gore in the film but none of it is scary or even unnerving. The music, acting and shoddy camera work see to that.
As I said, I love early 80's horror films, The deadly spawn, Phenomena, Demons, I spit on your grave, The burning to name but a few, but The Beyond is a big pile of steaming crap. One reviewer on here wrote "If you haven't seen The Beyond you are not a real horror buff" Well my friend, I have seen The Beyond and if you can call this "Horror" then you have my sympathies. Quite simply put, it is rubbish, even for an early 80's film.
My vote is 3 for the gore effects alone.
Bedtime Stories (2008)
Where on earth are all these 10 star reviews coming from? This had all the makings of a decent family film but instead it sank deeper than the Titanic.
The dialogue is so cliché'd that I almost found myself saying out loud the words before they were said on screen. The effects were OK but nothing special for an $80m movie and the ending was the most sickly, schmaltzy, over the top, happy ending to a film, ever, in the history of movies.
There were one or two decent comical moments in the film but for the most part they were flat an groaningly unfunny. Adam Sandler was at times embarrassing, how does he keep on finding work?
I need to go drink a gallon of vodka and re-watch the hills have eyes, Saw and Hostel just to get the memory of this monstrosity of a movie out of my head.
Avoid like the plague.
Where the Wild Things Are (2009)
Where the bored things are
Come on people, how can any human being give this 10 out of 10?? I looked forward to this after reading countless rave reviews and what i got was 2 hours of absolute tedium. The film is boring, depressing, it looks terrible, big angry teddy bears with poor computerised faces. The soundtrack is awful, the songs sound like something left over from the hippie generation, what a complete waste of time.
There was a few minutes near the end that did bring a tear to my eye but apart from that, the movie had no emotion whatsoever, it is 2 hours of big teddy bears smashing up houses and trees and arguing and moaning about absolutely nothing. A really depressing experience that leaves you feeling down when the title roll.
Do yourself a favour, leave this film on the shelf where it belongs.
Stag Night (2008)
Attack of the camera man with Parkinson's disease
This has to be the strangest horror film I've ever seen...I'll list the basics:
Decent production values: Check Decent enough cast and not bad acting: Check Dark and atmospheric: Check Creepy and plenty of jumps: Check Great gore effects and plenty of blood: Check Decent soundtrack: Check
All of the elements to make a good horror film for even the most demanding horror fans...So why on earth did the director feel the need to have his camera man shake the camera from side to side ALL THE WAY through the film???
It was nauseating, annoying, difficult to make out what was going on for most of the time. The action and horror scenes were extremely difficult to concentrate on...Underneath this was a very good horror film but it was totally ruined by the worst camera work I have ever seen in a film.
I'll give it a 3 purely for what lies underneath but it loses 5 stars for the camera work...Hugely disappointing...Watch Creep instead, it's no classic but it holds the same premise and more importantly, you can see what's going on.
Errrm, (cough cough) errm....(utterly speechless)...errm....yeah...I'm, errm, not really sure how to put something this calibre of bad into words...
...I was expecting a cheap straight to DVD sequel to Kate Hudson's Skeleton key, which wasn't a bad movie...And...Errm...I got this...A £20 budget, made by college kids with nothing better to do, no special effects, no story, the worst acting you've ever seen, bad lighting and sound, jokes that are so unfunny they actually make your blood boil with anger, nude women that are so unattractive it makes you fancy a romantic night in with Rosie O'Donnell, I could go on and on...
...This film really does need destroying so that other people are not duped into renting this out...Shame on you IMDb for not allowing a rating lower than a 1....Minus 350,000 would not do this film justice, it really is THAT bad....WOW!!! ((Goes to flush out his brain with bleach and try to remove the memory of having watched this tripe))
Got to be THE worst film I have ever seen
The good? It ends...Eventually
The bad? Whoah!Where do I start?
The acting: pre school play standard
The script: I am only amazed that a script this bad managed to find funding.
The dialogue: Is as bad as it gets, this tries to be intelligent and fails miserably, there's the usual cliché characters, some really bad and I mean BAD attempts at comic relief, I only got to the end because my TV remote is broken and I couldn't be arsed to get up and change the channel.
The effects: WOW! Is it really possible, in this day and age, to have special effects THIS bad? The eel looked awful, it didn't even look like it was on screen half of the time. The main creature changed size several times to suit what was happening. I mean, in one scene, the creature is so huge it can bite someone clean in half and swallow them whole. In the next scene, it is small enough for the main (cough cough) hero to wrestle it in a pond.
The music: Think Jaws played by a 3 year old.
The direction: Was there any?
Avoid this like the plague, it's 90 minutes of your life you'll really want back.
The title says it all
I knew this was going to be bad when I saw the title, I just rented it from Lovefilm under the slightly less laughable title of 'creature'.
From the off it is clear that this film is made on a budget of around £2 ($3), the camera-work is shaky, the lighting is very very poor and the acting is dreadful to the point where it becomes comical. Although I must say that the 2 male leads do at least try. Despite all this though, I still quite enjoyed the film, it was one of those 'it's so bad it's watchable movies'. The further into the film I got the lower level of sheer dreadfulness it became. Then the the monster came out, Oh my god!!! Did the special effects man make up the suit in his garage or what? It seriously makes the creatures in the TV series 'mighty morphing power rangers' look good if that's possible. I'm telling you it it so corny it's hysterical.
If you're looking for a decent monster movie with good production values then avoid this like the plague, if you're having a few beers with friends and simply want a right good laugh then by all means, rent this, it's unintentionally hilarious.
Howard the Duck (1986)
What's all the fuss about?
I've personally just watched this movie for the first time, I was lent a copy by a friend after I spied it in his DVD collection. I was instantly intrigued, I mean, a movie with George Lucas's name attached called Howard THE DUCK??? I just had to see it. Before I put it on I have had a glance at the IMDb boards and found that this was a very expensive film that bombed miserably at the box office and has been panned to death by critics and buffs alike. Why???
I just finished watching it and I thought it was great, no masterpiece by any means but it gave out exactly what it promised. For all you people who hate this movie, you didn't really expect Gone with the wind or The sound of music from a film about a talking alien duck did you?
Sure it was cheesy as hell, and some of the jokes were just terrible but the charm it oozes comes at you in bucket loads. The movie is over 20 years old and yet some of the special effects are better than in some of the dross out nowadays, and are definitely better than most movies out in the 80's.
The humour is hit and miss at times but I thought it far funnier than anything the likes of Adam Sandler has done to date. The big no no for me was the music which I have to admit was really pants. Not so much the songs the band play during the film but the actual score itself. But that's just a minor gripe.
Tim Robbins was so over the top and Jeffrey Jones was a hoot, so c'mon people, it's a kids movie about a talking duck. On that score it delivers on every level. 3.9 is mega harsh a score in my book so I've given it a 10 (not that it will make that much difference) my honest score would be a solid 7.
Amusing, cheesy, plenty of fun action, decent effects for the time, ridiculously over the top and packed to the hilt with an 80's nostalgic feel, I'm sorry but I have to say it is a very good movie for what it is. Far better than I was expecting from the comments I've read.