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The Story of Alfred Nobel (1939)
This blatant salvo of War Machine Propaganda lacks any semblance of Truth . . .
. . . as it "pays homage" to one of the men most responsible for Modern Warfare. Many books have been written about the Eternal Perfidy involved with THE STORY OF ALFRED NOBEL, so anyone with an ounce of curiosity would be much better off boning up on this Swedish Demon with any of these tomes (so long as they are independent of the mendacious influence of Stockholm!), rather than falling for the tone of reverence for this Lurid Lucifer emanating from THE STORY OF ALFRED NOBEL. "Al Nobel" was EVIL, not noble! As Shakespeare once wrote, "by their fruits ye shall know them." One merely need examine the pernicious legacy of the so-called "Nobel Peace Prize" to understand how wrong-headed is anyone who expresses admiration for Al or his "prizes." This misnamed "Peace Tribute" has been awarded to some of History's most notorious War Lords. After "Der Fuhrer" won the initial peace medal, warmongers such as "Bubba Carter" and "H. Obama" have followed in the Socialist President's footsteps. However, nominations for REAL Men of Peace, such as that for Leader Trump (who ended a Korean War that stumped both Carter and Obama) go by the wayside. THE STORY OF ALFRED NOBEL could be better titled LEADER OF A PACK OF LOSERS!
Tender Comrade (1943)
"He didn't leave you anything: no million dollars . . . "
" . . . or country clubs, or long shiny cars for you to drive" the disillusioned War Widow "Jo" laments to her new-born son after her runaway baby dad has been killed during the foreign junket for which he's been yearning throughout TENDER COMRADE. "He died for Nothing; your Dad was a fool!" sums up Jo to her now-financially-doomed son. Unlike Leader Trump, who sagely avoided the Vietnam Quagmire by confessing to The Heartbreak of Heel Spurs, Jo's mate "Chris" is pictured itching for an excuse to desert her Home Front in pursuit of "glory" amid the mob of Crusaders being dispatched to Foreign Lands by President-for-Life "Delano Roosevelt." Whenever this flick's focus drifts away from Chris, its treasonous director and screenwriter ply their captive audience with not-so-subliminal messages urging Redistribution of Wealth, Majority Rule, and Resource "Rationing." It totally overlooks the fact that One Per Center Upper Crust Patriots such as Leader Trump form the Backbone of America, and therefore MUST pursue their opulent Life Style completely uncurbed and unfettered ESPECIALLY in War Times. After all, during conflicts such as WWII, what ARE people fighting and dying for, if not the American Dream?! Nothing makes an Axis of Evil angrier than knowing America's Upper Echelon is enjoying Life as Usual--yachts, golfing, cigars, and all--no matter how badly a few battles may turn out for the USA's overseas plebian adventurers in the short run.
This live action short totally overlooks the fact that dogs are . . .
. . . a dime a dozen, making them the main course of choice in most Asian nations. Ironically, KILLER-DOG seems to be set Down Under, which has historically been one of the main exporters of canine meat to regions such as China. Koalas, kangaroos, wallabies, and the platypus all are endangered, because they compete with dog farms for real estate. " "M. Streep" had it backwards when she screamed "A dingo ate my baby!" In Real Life, an Aussie is much more likely to demand "WHO ate my dingo?!" Though "Betty Lou" (sounds like a "Dr. Seuss" character!) has named her mutt "Major," most folks down under do not even bother bestowing monikers on their short-lived meat. Who can blame them for this oversight, when a large canine rancher might be running herds of 10 or 20 thousand mongrels "on the hoof,' so to speak? Fans of PARTS UNKNOWN will be anxiously waiting to see RIN TIN get tinned at the conclusion of KILLER-DOG. (Spoiler alert:) No such luck!
Morning, Noon and Night Club (1937)
You need to deduct AT LEAST a tenth from you score for . . .
. . . MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT CLUB for its shameless Cultural Appropriation. Generations of cartoon fans realize that "Popeye" has always been as lily-hued as Wonder Bread. However, in his lamentable MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT CLUB outing, America's "Sailor Man" is initially presented at "Popito." Worse yet, that archetype of Paleface femininity--"Miss Olive Oyl"--is besmirched by an "Olivita" brand. Is it any wonder that "Bluto" throws a bucket of ice cubes onto the dance floor the moment that these misnamed characters attempt to take it? Clearly, Bluto feels compelled to defend American Traditions, Mores, Norms, and Expectations, if no one else will. There is NO contemporary record of MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT CLUB playing to ANY complacent audience across the face of America when it debuted on the Big Screen in the 1930s. Why not try to put yourself in the shoes of the USA's Greatest Generation? Would YOU have been willing to volunteer for possible death at the hands of the then-threatening Axis War Machine to defend the likes of this fraudulent dance couple? The brave victims of the Infamous Sneak Attack against Pearl Harbor no doubt joined the Navy to get away from "Popito!"
The Greener Hills (1939)
This live action short traces the perambulations of a despicable . . .
. . . carpetbagger across America's too-trusting Heartland. "Henry Miller" takes a time out from his salacious story telling to dabble in corn, beans, potatoes, peanuts, and bees. Hank spouts out platitudes such as, "Oh, Honey, we've hitched our wagon to a star, and it's filled with Golden Goobers!" Wife "Harriet Miller" serves as Hank's chief enabler, egging him on toward ever-more-widespread agricultural usurpation. Hank's career in pillaging knows no bounds, as he leap-frogs into the strategic apiary sector. Not content to leave the birds and the bees to their own devices, Hank strings up their dirty linen for the whole World to gawk at. THE GREENER HILLS are totally devastated by Hank's depredations, since he knows nothing about the Modern Sciences of Crop Rotation, Contoured Plowing, and Periodic Fallow Fields. The Miller Family lay waste to everything in their path, not unlike boll weevils. THE GREEN HILLS goes a long way in explaining exactly why strangers are traditionally shot on sight in the "No Go Zones" of America's breadbasket.
The Old Plantation (1935)
This animated short debunks the Revisionist History . . .
. . . continuing to plague our American Homeland into this Modern 21st Century. Some deluded songwriter penned a ditty with a refrain going something like this: "It ain't necessarily so." But we CANNOT throw out the Holy Child with the bathwater, and suddenly repudiate our Sacred Pledge of Allegiance, Monticello, the thrusting digit of our Washington Monument, any of the four verses of our National Anthem, the USA's motto, the most famous film of all time (GONE WITH THE WIND), pancakes, half of Mount Rushmore, Brazilian nuts, our Monument Avenues, Mount Vernon, and the idyllic epoch labeled by Homer as "The Antebellum Period." THE OLD PLANTATION reveals the Truth behind the Old South's "Peculiar Institution:" tribal conflict carried over into the New World. Villain "Simon" is the sort who'd sell out his own granny for a nickel. Though most of those shown working THE OLD PLANTATION share Simon's hue, they are Loyal to "Col. Julep"--tending his crops and progeny with loving care--and distrustful of Simon. Give them credit for realizing upon which side of their bread is buttered. No doubt a thousand (or ten thousand) Simon types rounded up their traditional tribal foes and sold them down the river, bamboozling the Col. Juleps of this world as much as anyone else. THE OLD PLANTATION reflects the views of the two newest SCOTUS appointees. Stay tuned.
Barnyard Babies (1935)
I do NOT recall any nursery rhymes about the Little Red Hen or Chicken Little . . .
. . . getting stuffed--alive--into ovens, but that is precisely what the sick director of BARNYARD BABIES depicts the anthropomorphic rooster doing to his expectant spouse! Every time a parent or sibling nowadays "nukes" a young offspring in the family microwave, the Authorities lament "WHERE did this monster come up with such an Evil Idea??!" One does not need to blame "Old Scratch" for this pandemic of Easy Bake Babies. No, one need look no further than BARNYARD BABIES for the primary source material behind these unspeakable crimes. If the creators of BARNYARD BABIES are viewed as accomplices to this string of Murders in the Kitchen, how should law enforcement view a television network which insists upon periodically foisting off such corrupting filth upon an increasingly weak-minded and untrustworthy Public? Common Sense would suggest that after 84 years (or "four score, and four revolutions around the sun," by "Abe Lincoln's" reckoning) the damage being inflicted by BARNYARD BABIES would have long ceased. However, thanks to Big Cable, the hits keep on coming, on America's most Innocent and Defenseless population! Please join me in writing to Congress, in order to get BARNYARD BABIES permanently banned once and for all!!
We had to detour around the corpse of a 20-something chick . . .
. . . (which, along with a temporarily empty stretcher, four EMT's, and several grieving relatives, monopolized nearly a third of the theater lobby) on our way to see BREAKTHROUGH. Apparently our local government protocol for removing dead bodies from businesses requires the blessing of the local police force, and it took at least 20 minutes for a couple of officers to arrive and sign off on the stiff so that it could be lifted from the floor onto the waiting stretcher, and have a white sheet pulled over its face. Since we're not the nosey type, we really don't know whether the deceased movie fan had just seen BREAKTHROUGH (or perhaps she was overwhelmed by AVENGERS: ENDGAME), and if she missed the finale rushing to her final resting spot. Perhaps she had arrived early for our showing of BREAKTHROUGH, only to miss out on the Miracle. I guess we'll never really know for sure. At any rate, this left us in a fairly unique position to rate the performance of BREAKTHROUGH's "John Smith" actor as a young person with one foot in the grave. Our consensus is that "Marcel" merits about a 7.7 score out of a possible 10 (if he had been "floppier," especially his arm, he might have managed an "8").
As "John's" widowed social studies teacher asks him, WHY are some folks snatched up early to their Heavenly Home, and not others? Good question. When we watched the preview for BREAKTHROUGH, some catty women sitting behind us snickered that it looked like a Weight Watchers promo. (Since this flick's setting--Missouri--consistently ranks as the USA's fourth most obese state, and because Mama John nearly scuttles the Med-EVAC chopper after John's BREAKTHROUGH, maybe John SHOULD have been turned over to Social Services.) Basic parental responsibility requires guardians living South of the Mason-Dixon Line to move toward Minnesota or Canada when their boys show John's level of affinity for winter sports. But why quibble over calories or thin ice? WE survived BREAKTHROUGH, which is more than some folks can say!
Backstory: All About Eve (2000)
The focus of this brief documentary centers on a union agitator . . .
. . . who had been virtually black-listed by Tinsel Town for her wanton capriciousness, malingering, and shirking of agreed-upon duties. "You'll never work in this town again!!" genius filmmaker "D. F. Zanuck" told ungrateful Labor rabble-rouser "B. Davis" when she refused to SAG as appropriate for a matron of her age. The history of the relationship between far-sighted Management and "instant gratification"-seeking workers here in our USA Homeland is marked by many egregious acts of virtual warfare, as illustrated by such films as ON THE WATERFRONT, MATEWAN, and NORMA RAE. When Union Thugs such as "Dolly P." are duct-taping supervisors to office chairs during deplorable Leftist fare of the 9 TO 5 ilk, moviegoers know that Mr. Zanuck has had NOTHING to do with these outrages! The plot of ALL ABOUT EVE runs parallel to Real Life, this BACKSTORY outing reveals. Though Davis had ostensibly left SAG in a snit, her Union minions conspired to force her down Mr. Zanuck's throat by trumping up a vacancy in the already-cast "Margo Channing" role, which every SAG chick declined to fill--except for the ubiquitous Ms. Davis, a proven box office flop. Fortunately for this flick's bottom line prospects, the Midas-like Mr. Z. sagely surrounded Davis with a bevy of stout-hearted men, including "G. Sanders," "G. Merrill," "H. Marlowe," and "G. Ratoff." These guys compensated so well for the union mole's inadequacies that ALL ABOUT EVE captured several highly-coveted Oscars for Mr. Z., BACKSTORY recounts. The moral of this tale seems to be that "All's well that ends well when a Tough Guy's in charge"!
The Twisker Pitcher (1937)
Someone once said that "There's no crying in baseball . . . "
. . . but as THE TWISKER PITCHER illustrates, there's sure a lot of cheating. Both "Popeye" and "Bluto" try to augment their Power on the Diamond through the blatant use of PEV's (Performance Enhancing Vegetables). While the latter is content to steal Popeye's stash and consume it in full view of the fans, the self-styled "Sailor Man" labors to replace his lost crutch by cultivating REEFER MADNESS right in the middle of the playing field! (Anyone having the least bit of familiarity with Horticulture 101 will note that Popeye's cash crop resembles "Mary Jane" far most closely than spinach!) With Popeye's Pirates besting Bluto's Bears by a walk-off tally of 22-21, their game resembles our Modern Era far more than it does its 1930s setting. (So far the 2019 MLB season is on pace for cumulative records for BOTH most strike outs AND most home runs; ALL the TWISKER PITCHER scoring is via the long ball, and all of the outs appear to be whiffs.) The cat fight in the stands between "Olive" and Bluto's Sumo Wrestler Distaff Supporter is another TWISKER PICTURE highlight nearly as interesting as the play on the field. Now is the perfect time to enjoy THE TWISKER PITCHER.
The Curse of La Llorona (2019)
This film deals with the Extreme Threat bubbling up . . .
. . . across America's Southern Border. THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA is simply one of the Myriad Plagues currently making their way North in record numbers. Each of the Evil Caravans invading our Great American Homeland doubtless contain several demonic crones on par with LA LLORONA. As this movie illustrates, these Horrid Hags immediately begin a spate of nefarious Witch Hunts, preying upon the young and the weak, such as "Sam" and "Chris" here. Members of the Roman Sex Cult are particularly vulnerable to such red flag ecclesiastical depredations. As they say, "Believing is seeing," so ANY paranormal scourge conjured up by the prolific purveyors of Fake News can murder U.S. citizens, especially those under the sway of Rome. At 1:17:02, LLORONA reveals that coffee is the Devil's Brew, as it originates from the Axis of Evil Region, dooming all who drink it. LLORONA further makes a case for criminalizing ALL non-English communication within the boundaries of America. Why should our beleaguered Law Enforcement Heroes be expected to distinguish Foreign Dialects from Demonic Gibberish?! No one can experience LA LLORONA without seeing the necessity for Leader Trump's 30-yards-high, 50-yards-thick, 2,000-miles-long Great Southern Wall!
Speed Week (1957)
"The girls are off and away . . . " bloviates the narrator . . .
. . . as SPEED WEEK's sexist Saturday race is reduced to an all-female gasoline ghetto. Given all the Indy Car and NASCAR victories won by a plethora of distaff drivers ranging from "Janet G." to "Danica P.," women have proved that they can compete on an equal footing with their male counterparts. Segregating ANY public sporting event by sex is just as immoral, irrational, archaic, Medieval, and just plain wrong as tolerating sports leagues (or schools, lavatories, and lunch counters) ear-marked for a single race only. "Billie J. King" proved during the past century that skilled ladies can whip professional gentlemen in tennis, so exactly WHY are there STILL separate "Men's" and "Women's" categories in ALL major tennis events?! During the 1900s "Babe Z." also demonstrated that a "Tigress" is liable to win more Green Jackets than a "Tiger," but golf stubbornly plods along with its demeaning "women's teas." The Olympics could save themselves a lot of headaches by moving into NASCAR's unisex model. They would no longer feel compelled to "determine the proper sex category" of each competitor, a thankless job in this Age of Androgynous Athletes. By halving the cost of medals and eliminating such "place-holder gender parity 'sports'" as Synchronized Paddling and Rhythmic Mathematics, host nations would save tons of money. Hopefully, SPEED WEEK's chauvinistic attitude soon will become a quaint relic of the deplorable Past.
Missing Link (2019)
"Yak is our Life: Yak milk, Yak meat, Yak clothes, Yak fuel . . . "
" . . . Yaks are our best friends," a Nepalese crone informs her Western visitors. (Of course, with "friends" like her, who needs the Red Chinese?) Tibet--called "Shangri La" here--proves even more problematic for MISSING LINK's tourist crowd, as its headmistress reveals that Tibet's native name can be translated as 'Keep out! We hate you!!" About half the key cast members of MISSING LINK perish in this Asian wasteland, plunging to their grisly deaths at the bottom of the Abominable Abyss. The importance of open sea lanes is stressed throughout MISSING LINK--as its characters are constantly hopping on and off boats of various sizes--clearly presenting a counterpoint to China's current Real Life world-wide nautical threat. Though its animated format may soften some of the terror and violence for young viewers, it's clear that the MISSING LINK makers are preparing the Youth of America for the impending necessity of Leader Trump being forced to blunt China's Clear and Present Danger through the judicious use of the USA's Nuclear Arsenal.
AFTER watching this flick, no parent in their right mind will let their innocent . . .
. . . young daughters get within 100 miles of a college campus. BETWEEN cads and booze, a pure coed stands little chance of remaining that way. BEFORE signing off on any university admission forms, all concerned Moms and Dads need to watch this film. (IN case of any disagreement, ties always belong to the Fathers, of course.) OUT of wedlock marital relations run the gamut on campus, this movie documents. ACROSS the board, the only thing which may stand between a daughter's rose and a shot-gun wedding seems to be a Chastity Belt. WITHIOUT a full range of styles and sizes (preferably in school colors) of these essentials being available at campus bookstores and clinics, caring parents should just say "No!" THROUGH a diligent "Trust but Verify" Policy, those footing the college bills can totally negate the need to prescribe The Pill. UNDER no circumstances can freshman lasses cut classes for dudes making passes. OVER time (say, five or ten years) a single woman may acquire enough Common Sense and "street smarts" to undertake a small dose of "higher education." BY now it should be clear: College for most Girls is a losing preposition!
En passion (1969)
Even the sparrows succumb to maudlin fits and flit . . .
. . . toward the nearest window pane to escape Sweden in kamikaze suicide plunges, THE PASSION OF ANNA reveals. Set in a Land cursed for all time by enabling Der Fuhrer during World War Two, PASSION is mostly a lot of yakking with little or no action. Suffering from the ineptitude of a first-time director (who actually breaks up PASSION's turgid narrative flow by embedding four making-of style interviews with out-of-character actors at random junctures!), PASSION's most interesting scene (involving missing teeth, broken spectacles, and a golden shower) is merely mentioned as a post-script to a suicide note, but NEVER SHOWN! No one is ever fingered for mutilating all of the local sheep, nor is the culprit who doused a horse with petrol and lit him aflame apprehended. Ditto for the miscreant who noosed the beagle puppy and dangled him from a tree branch. Weirdo title character "Anna's" PASSION is to get it on with all of the local dudes named "Andreas," and then drive them through stormy weather while striving to engineer an "accident" that will decapitate them! If all of this sounds five times as exciting as the actual film, I'm sorry. But it's hard to see how any self-respecting Swedish People can go on living amid all of their humiliations, humblings, miseries, and despair.
Forbidden Passage (1941)
When our U.S. Constitution is enforced with an Originalist Interpretation . . .
. . . it becomes less a matter of whether or not "crime pays," and more of a question of if "crime" or "illegality" can even exist at the Upper Echelons of U.S. Wealth. As the Good Book teaches us, Providence picks financial "Winners" and "Losers"--not Man. FORBIDDEN PASSAGE tends to ignore this fact, as it makes out that nearly EVERYONE in this world has a place in the line to move to America. This wrong-headed notion, of course, leads to such outrages as our important harbors and vital wetlands being constantly polluted with the remains of chained-up foreigners who would have been much better off staying at home, as Fate intended. However, FORBIDDEN PASSAGE reveals that when the Fake News Media gives overseas people the false impression that America is a Land of Milk and Honey, and that all they need to do is bribe a few corrupt foreign functionaries to live on Easy Street in the USA, things work out just as horrendously for the would-be newcomers as it does for actual American citizens, if not more so. Of course, this does not mitigate the main problem with the existing fiasco, which is nearly buried by FORBIDDEN PASSAGE. Imagine that you're taking your young daughter for a stroll along a wharf some day, and as she's trying to spot swordfish or whales in the adjacent waters when suddenly the unclothed form of some line-jumping dude floats by--face up! Would your young princess EVER be able to get over such a traumatizing event?
Border Incident (1949)
Surveys have proved that fruits and vegetables are eaten and grown almost . . .
. . . exclusively by Bleeding Heart Liberals, who are too wimpy and Atheistic to follow a Biblical Red Meat diet. BORDER INCIDENT follows the mayhem that this stubborn insistence on an aptly-named "roughage" menu causes for everyone else trying to survive in the once-great USA. BORDER INCIDENT illustrates that these nefarious fruit and vegetable farms have more than enough machines to harvest reasonable quantities of salad fixings. However, in order to allow college-educated women to order the Caesar and Taco toss-ups as their main course, seditious growers use all kinds of scams to import slave-wage crop pickers--by the millions--into our ill-defended nation. (This is NOT a great blessing for the farm laborers, BORDER INCIDENT reveals, as the growers' henchmen usually follow them back across the border, butcher them, steal their scant earnings, before discarding their corpses into quicksand!) When brave heroic ICE officer "Jack Bearnes" is about to break up the devious scheme to pack America's fertile fields with potentially fraudulent election voters, the heartless planter's gang cripple him--and then use his body as fertilizer for some Liberal Elite Lady's next bowl of tossed salad! As the massive, sharp discs of a tilling machine slice and dice the still-struggling Jack, all legitimate U.S. citizens will forever lose their taste for lettuce. Let us honor Jack by urging Leader Trump to close down and wall off the USA's Southern Border, now and forever!
Les enfants terribles (1950)
My dad and grandpa were arguing last Thanksgiving about exactly what . . .
. . . flick LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES inspired. My grandpa insisted that it was an English language color film from the 1900s (with some "Jim Dean"-type hot flash-in-the-pan actor named "Ryan Somebody") where two of the youths in a love triangle--perhaps the brother and sister--actually did the deed FOR REAL on the kitchen floor! Pops, on the other hand, contended that LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES gave rise to the TABOO series of "Blue Movies," especially the 17th through the 29th outings. (That's when Mom put her foot down, and changed the subject to candy porn.) Naturally, when I later saw LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES on the TV schedule, I watched it to see which of my ancestors was most correct. However, I still don't have a clue. It's as if some Balkan native had two weeks of English classes, and then tried to enjoy AND understand a print of WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? subtitled in American. It's extremely difficult to believe that ANY U.S. film maker could keep up with the TERRIBLES captions and be "inspired" by this movie to create anything more erotic than a turnip.
Canadian Lancers (1956)
Seldom has America's Northern Threat been better captured . . .
. . . than by this surreptitiously-filmed expose, CANADIAN LANCERS. This brief documentary succinctly delineates the dire menace posed by ALL Canadians, big or small. From the earliest age, inhabitants of this militant state are raised to despise our Statute of Liberty, and everything for which She stands. While American toddlers are busy mastering Go Carts and Grand Theft Auto XXVIII, Canada's Terrible Tykes are practicing for suicide cavalry attacks by their Light Brigades (aka, the Junior Bengal Lancers). Even gap-toothed six-year-old "Heather" is shown here taking part in such blood-thirsty pursuits. If nothing else, CANADIAN LANCERS has put Leader Trump on High Alert, as shown by his recent handshake agreement from Leader Putin for these two top World Powers' mutual defense pact against Canada. When the CANADIAN LANCERS come pouring across America's open, barely-defended northern frontier, we'll actually be ready for this equestrian scourge. Our heavy armor battalions--featuring embedded Russian tanks--will materialize from the forest to absolutely crush such an apocalyptic onslaught. You can bet your dairy farm on this.
Wild Oranges (1924)
If you consumed this twisted tale in book form . . .
. . . WILD ORANGES' flyleaf probably would include a family tree to help readers figure out who begat who. However, since WILD ORANGES is a flick--and a silent one, at that (with the paucity of exposition film consumers have come to expect from this mute genre)--many if not most viewers are forced to turn to "user reviews" to figure out the perverse genealogy of WILD ORANGES. Being a Southern Gothic Story, it's clear to regular devotees of this niche that "Iscah" is "Millie's" biological dad. The fact that a title card says this swamp creature is only 30, and 18-year-old Millie looks like she's going on 40 should not conflict with the facts of this case. (Millie exemplifies a typical "Southern Belle," and once a cypress swamp thing turns 12 he senses that NOW is the time to pass along his genes.) These sour facts of life leave Millie's grand-pappy the odd man out, because he'd be the usual suspect for the role of her progenitor (especially since he's a dead ringer for the Rebel Traitor "B. Dern" plays in THE HATEFUL EIGHT). There's also the possibility that some of the Fair Sex will cringe when Daddy Iscah proposes to make it a belated mother-daughter hook-up by coercing Millie into a Dating Game. This example of Confederate Values so enraged the censors of its day that they allowed the film makers to end this sordid tale by having a Hell Hound chow down on Iscah BEFORE he's apparently able to consummate his crush on Millie (though who knows what he did after tying her to the bed posts).
Shadows on the Stairs (1941)
Lots of people spiffing up a home may paint themselves into a corner . . .
. . . but in Real Life they cannot simply dab a door on a wall of their self-created "trap" and simply walk outside! However, since many if not most Hollywood types have drifted Westward due to their total lack of any actual talents, film screenwriters continually trot out the "It was all a dream" ending to escape flimsy plots threatening to completely unravel. SHADOWS ON THE STAIRS is a prime example of such faulty film construction. From its lame title to its limp ending, SHADOWS seems like an accident that has already happened. When it becomes clear that there can be no plausible, credible "happiness" or peace of mind for "Hugh" and "Sylvia" a couple minutes before the closing credits, the camera simply draws back a foot as Hugh tells his fellow characters that he's ACTUALLY a dude named "Dwight," and they should disregard ALL of the nonsensical happenings of the past hour. Beleaguered movie goers may wish to watch an occasional flick to take a brief break from Real Life, but they do NOT want to waste their time and money on a farce that concludes by taking a break from ITSELF while claiming that it's all been a lie-within-a-lie!
The Devil's Saddle Legion (1937)
This film apparently is taking place in Texas sometime in the 1800s . . .
. . . back in the days BEFORE our brave ICE agents were putting the chill on miscreants attempting to cut the entry line waiting to legally enter America. Naturally, viewers expect to see THE DEVIL'S SADDLE LEGION referring to and exposing some sort of nefarious Underground Railroad featuring the ill-fated sort of which Leader Trump warned us against the day he announced his candidacy and won the election on that Golden Escalator. However, modern day consumers of THE DEVIL'S SADDLE LEGION will be sorely disappointed to find out that it takes place somewhere on Texas' NORTHERN border. Therefore, the dispute covered here is pretty picayune, of little interest to the Modern Viewer. About the only incident that stands out comes at the very end of THE DEVIL'S SADDLE LEGION, when the corrupt, inattentive, know-nothing politico U.S. Secretary of the Interior turns up with a logical cortex as full of holes as a Swiss cheese. This, at last, will make those who have stuck with this boring flick to the bitter end thankful that Leader Trump has ridden into Washington, DC, like the Night on a Pale Horse, and drained the swamp of buffoons such as "Secretary Logan."
Oklahoma Outlaws (1943)
"They'll spring Kincaid with evidence trumped (up) against me!" . . .
. . . warns Tulsa City Father "Whip McCord" during this extended Public Service Announcement, OKLAHOMA OUTLAWS. The Kincaid Gang has been a thorn in the side of Founder McCord and his business associates since the get-go. Visionary McCord has the foresight to picture Tulsa as America's #1 Gaming Destination, half a century before the Vegas Mob made a mess of things by draining the Nevada area aquifers. The backbone of Tulsa's early economy dominates its nightlife: McCord's Territory Casino, Cowboys come from near and far to try their Luck at the Territory, as McCord blazes the trail for future U.S. Gaming Tycoons such as Leader Trump. However, Kincaid's cartel of jealous, Johnny-come-lately henchmen set out on a witch hunt to dredge up dirt on McCord from malingerers out of favor with Lady Luck. Even after Old Man Kincaid himself is tried, convicted, and given over to Justice at the end of a rope for a cold-blooded murder, his motley crew of miscreants fail to accept the fact that executions have consequences. A gun-slinging bully named "Ned" terrorizes Tulsa by slaying many of its prominent citizens through firearm trickery. Ned tops off his murder spree by assassinating McCord himself. Tulsa's spineless residents decide that it's easier "to switch than fight," dooming their locale to become the forgotten backwater that it is Today.
In perhaps the top film noir involving someone named "Marlon" . . .
. . . MORITURI depicts "Esther" as one of World War Two's most sizzling Femme Fatales. Many "blue movies" feature INSATIABLE actresses in leading roles, but they often bog down amid excessive bodily fluids, repetitive close-ups, and implausible body positioning. On the other hand, MORITURI (Italian for "Hot to Trot") uses Esther with more restraint. She doesn't enter the picture until nearly an hour into this story, and she exits prematurely. But what a back tale she has! Esther recounts how she entertained the Gestapo by trying to get it on with her younger brother. After slaying her sibling for failure to perform up to expectations, Esther says that she accommodated 17 G-Men to keep her mind off her parents being rendered into soap. An equal opportunity seductress, Esther then rigs a vote of Allied P.O.W.s by harboring the entire electorate (15 guys altogether) in their communal voting booth. Suspecting that she is laying both sides of the gangway, Captain Kruse is prepared when Esther attempts to mount him in the middle of a mutiny. He dispatches her before she can ride like a Valkyrie, with a single shot (about 17 less than the French wasted on Mata Hari).
Five Feet Apart (2019)
Maybe an exception can be made for a few major celebrities . . .
. . . such as "Steve Hawking," who are stricken with rare and expensive inherited conditions AFTER they've made their mark on the world (and who are in no position to pump bad genes into the shallow end of the pool). However, generally speaking, FIVE FEET APART makes the case for "pulling the plug" on the run-of-the-pill young and really unhealthy. FIVE FEET APART focuses on the difficult life of "Stella," born with a serious chest defect. As shown around 26:05 and again at 1:06:20, Stella barely can be credited with mosquito bites, struggling mightily to fill up her upper body training lingerie. (This anti-heroine says that she's depressed because her congenital mammary deficit has reduced her lung capacity by 50%.) Stella obsesses over weird dietary supplements, and like her Real Life fellow FLATLINER "Pepper Dots," she tries to foist off her potentially deadly substance abuse habits upon innocent bystanders, such as "Will." FIVE FEET APART's villainess spends her days lurking near a maternity ward, plotting for the opportunity to pass her pine-plank physique down to Future Generations. "Don Juan's" daughter may have found financing for "B" or "C" implants after her first 50 bouts with Gray Drapery, but such surgical tinkering only compounds this genetic predisposition for the dispossessed chest by tricking unsuspecting mates into rounds of deflationary procreation. How sad!