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USE THE PACKAGE
This is an indie film that attempts to sell itself by using the words, "Nazi" and "Zombie" in the title together. It really is not a Nazi zombie film. The US government wants to shut down a project by that name. It sends in a group of military men to destroy the lab. only to meet with zombies.
The film sounds better than what it is. The acting was dry. The script was horrible. The special effects, weren't. They did but a red filter on the camera lens once and that was about as good as it got. Not worth a free view.
Parental Guide: F-bomb. No sex or nudity.
Ouvert 24/7 (2010)
EATING CHILDREN DOESN'T MAKE ME A VAMPIRE
This is perhaps best described as a French "Creep Show" Troma style. The addition of Lloyd Kaufman in this film at the beginning and near the end was a big negative. The film consists of three people telling stories in a diner that involves, slashers, cannibalism, and perverted fairy tales. At times I thought the stories were very good, with well written dark comedy, while other times it was just junk.
The tales include blood splatter, severed body parts, child abuse, and sausage humor. This feature is clearly not for everyone. English subtitles.
Parental Guide: F-bomb, sex, nudity.
Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)
I DON'T HAVE HEROES
Adam (Tom Hiddleston) is a depressed vampire living in Detroit while his wife Eve (Tilda Swinton) lives in Tangiers. He is sadden that humans or zombies as he calls them, have not only polluted the planet, but have polluted the blood supply. He is forced to buy his blood from a clinic, while his wife manages to get hers from the Christopher Marlow (John Hurt). Adam is a collector and has old clutter around his house. He is an accomplished musician who once shared his life and works with the rich and famous, but now is a recluse, symbolized by the city in which he resides, drinking his blood from a cordial glass.
Eventually Eve comes to visit, then her sister Ava (Mia Wasikowska) comes from LA, only to disrupt their lives. Their cities of choice symbolize their life styles.
This is an art film filled with metaphors and hidden clever dialog. It is not for everyone. It moves painfully slow to give the audience the feel of the long dull boring life of a vampire. Their clothing is outdated by centuries as are their belongings. Adam uses his bathroom as storage for all his clutter, encouraging his human guests to use the lawn. It is an interesting film, but doesn't contain the action and horror typically associated with vampire tales. The humor is hidden irony that may take a second viewing to grasp...clever, but far from a knee slapper. Typical of a Jim Jarmusch film.
Parental Guide: F-bomb. Nudity (Tilda Swinton)
Oneechanbara: The Movie (2008)
LET THE RESEARCH BEGIN!
Aya is a sociopath hunting for her sister Saki in order to kill her. Saki is at the D3 corporation which started the zombie craze. Aya is helped along the way. She believes the best apparel in which to kill zombies is a hot red bikini, knee high boots, cowboy hat, and a white fur boa. Saki prefers the typical school uniform as does several other characters including a zombie version of Gogo for you "Kill Bill "fans. Aya has a sword that would make Uma Thurman green with envy as she squares off against zombies in a similar fashion against the 88, except her sword looks like lightning as it moves.
There was only so much killing I could take before I needed some plot. Background was provided by a fireside chat, but that grew boring as did the lack of linear plot indicating the script couldn't grow beyond that of an action game.
Guide: Sex, Nudity. Blood splatter on the lens.
Take The World
In the first 10 minutes, we are given the plot, minus some details. A farm couple in Brightburn, Kansas pray for a child and get one in a spaceship from Krypton maybe. They raise Brandon as their own child who is very bright. It is all fun and games until he turns 12 and then it becomes a different film from science fiction to science slasher.
The film was fairly decent but could have been better. PLOT SPOILER: It was fun watching Elizabeth Banks die a horrible death.
GuideL F-word. No sex or nudity.
One Night in Vegas (2013)
MOMMA'S BABY, PAPA'S MAYBE.
This film is so stupid. Pardon the plot spoilers. It did have one good scene where a guy serves his wife with divorce papers while they were at the marriage counselor proclaiming he is going to make their marriage better.
James (John Dumelo) is in what appear to be the Jamaican witness protection program. He lives in an upscale house in Arlington with his wife (Yvonne Nelson) and body guard (Van Vicker). After two years he decides to go to Vegas to rekindle his marriage (he has performance/alcohol issues) and they are going to take Tony, the body guard with them. As it turns out, the wife had been having an affair with Tony which continues in Vegas while James meets Ashley (Sarodj Bertin) and then performs double duty.
As it turns out, both women get pregnant the same night, but are a month apart. Through a ridiculous plot point, James finds out he is not the father and demands his wife tell him who the real father is, because he can't figure it out for himself. (Hint: Another guy living in your house for the last two years.) Are all men that stupid, or does it just seem that way?
Almost everybody in the film had a Jamaican accent. Acting and drama was bad. Dialogue was stupid. Why do they waste money on such a ridiculous script. It would have been a better script as a comedy.
F-bomb, sex. No nudity.
One Minute Before Death (1972)
Poe is murdered
It seems some of Poe's classics should not be made into film. In this tale a family gets together for the reading of a will at a house that appears to be haunted by the ghost of Rebecca, whose oval portrait appears on the wall. The haunting effects are poor, as in turning a camera on/off poor, something that dates from the 1920's. We do find out about Rebecca which consumes much of the film.
Sarah (Liza Binkley) babysits for her cousin (Lucy Bock) and goes crazy as she hears voices in her head from her past. Or does she? What was with the rocking chair moving by itself and the locked door/ cameras? I felt like there was something else going on that I missed that would have made this sinker a work of genius.
F-bomb. No sex or nudity.
American Freakshow (2015)
A professional amateur thespian
This is a low budget Troma style spoof of slasher films with scenes from TCM, Friday 13th and the Native American pollution commercial. It takes place in Texas on the fourth of July weekend...also cabin in the woods. The soundtrack ranges from hip-hop to death metal. Some good scenes. A lot of bad ones.
Guide: F-word, sex, nudity with a body double spoof.
Adventures of Aladdin (2019)
Mindless Little Monkey
Evil Vizier Maghreb (Daniel O'Reilly) wants to rule the Green Zone in Baghdad. Shahzadi (Lucia Dimitra Xypteras) a "mindless little monkey" currently rules and is smitten by acrobat Aladdin (Adam Hollick). The genii (Lord KraVen) is overly flamboyant.
This is the Asylum mockbuster that no one was anticipating. The acting was bad and the film at times is entertaining in the "so bad it is good" category. For instance the anachronistic saying "she is out of your league." Really? What leagues did they have? The staff Aladdin had was clearly made out of resin and had an electric lamp under the plastic flame. Were his clothes hanging down in the flames as he crossed over on a rope?
Guide: no swearing, sex, or nudity.
Nurse Betty (2000)
Every now and then you run across a movie missed by the TV networks that should be a cult classic. Nurse Betty is a quirky original film with that "indie" feel to it. Renee Zellweger is a waitress in a small Kansas town. Her life consists of watching a soap opera and its star Dr. David Ravell. Her husband (Del) is a car dealer/drug dealer who cheats on her. One day while Betty is watching her soap in one room, two bad guys, Morgan Freeman and his son Chris Rock, lean on Del who was attempting to sell them back the drugs he stole from them. They end up killing Del, as Betty, through a parted door witnesses the scene.
Betty now becomes delusional. She blocks out the killing while believing she is the former fiancee of the fictional Dr. David Ravell and embarks on a cross country trip to find him. Meanwhile, the local cops want to question her, and the killers realizing they have a witness want to kill her.
The movie is zany as the relationship between Morgan, an intellectual killer with class and Chris Rock, a hip-hopster becomes strained. Morgan believes Betty to be cold and calculating and develops a love and respect for her as they travel,while Rock thinks she is just plain crazy. Meanwhile everyone Betty comes in contact with thinks she is nuts.
The down side to the movie is there are a few times when you start to feel sorry for Betty and that this is no longer funny, as in the Arizona bar scene. For that I suggest another long toke, don't bogat, and keep on truckin' as the movie will become funny again, and soon.
Nurse 3-D (2013)
MY SCHEDULE'S BEEN MURDER
Abby (Paz de la Huerta) is a nurse by day and a vamp by night. At night she lures married men into seduction and then kills them for cheating on their spouse. Abby sees young Danni (Katrina Bowden) as an apprentice. She seduces Danni, in spite of the fact Danni has a boyfriend and doesn't remember the incident. Danni quickly sees through Abby as someone who is troubled and wants out of their friendship. Abby doesn't take too kindly to the snub and it is "Game on."
Her make up looks odd in that she wears excessive lip stick and does nothing for her eyes.
This film is grindhouse/pulp fiction . There is plenty of blood, comedy, dark comedy, and nudity. Niecy Nash provides additional humor as a nurse who wants sex, but never gets it.
Worth a view for some laughs.
F-bombs, sex, and nudity as one might expect. Paz de la Huerta has two scenes where she walks around bottomless looking like an airbrushed manikin.
I PUT MY SOCKS ON FIRST
This was an excellent biopic showing us the complex character of Christopher Wallace. He was smarter than average growing up, but was attracted to the easy street money. He broke into the rapping business which gave him the paper to give up dealing. While the film show us Notorious doing bad things, he wasn't portrayed as a bad person, just a young man with too much money and options...options that when it came to women he liked to exercise too freely. His death is hinted at being a record label feud. He died while he was "a work in progress."
Guide: F-bomb, sex, nudity (Naturi Naughton, Susie Da Silva)
Nothing Left to Fear (2013)
IT IS THE WAY IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN
Pastor Dan (James Tupper) and his family move to the small town of Stahl(?). It is a quaint town but seems slightly odd. Rebecca (Rebekah Brandes) the token eye candy daughter has nightmares and develops a liking for Noah (Ethan Peck) the son of the out going preacher (Clancy Brown). You know the town has a secret and at some point it has a nice eerie Thomas Tryon feel to it.
The ending was fairly decent, but the film didn't come together. The events in the film didn't tie into anything, it just happened because that was the way things should happen. The acting was decent. The film took time to develop character, perhaps a bit too much at the expense of a decent horror scene. There are ways to build character quickly and effectively. The scenes were good, but collectively the story fell.
Will make for an acceptable rental. I believe this will be part of a multi-pack in a year or so.
Parental Guide: F-bomb. No sex or nudity.
Ombis: Alien Invasion (2013)
Sheriff Thomas Bracket (Richard Satterwhite) is the man in Metzburgh. The film spends the first 18 minutes building character and it was a long 18 minutes. The time he spends talking to a little girl in a squad car was well wasted. Once we get to meet everyone in town, including what appears to be domestic violence...no social services just the sheriff doing some questioning the film reluctantly progresses as the proverbial town drunk in the woods... Finally a space ship/meteor crashes spilling out green jello which turns people into zombies or something.
The film appeared to want to emulate 1950's horror films, especially "The Blob" except it really didn't do that. The acting and dialogue were seriously bad. Richard Satterwhite can't act. Now when Alexander S. McBryde showed up as My Gray doing an MIB impersonation, Satterwhite looked Oscar worthy. Yes the acting ranged from bad to "why are these people in front of a camera?"
I am not sure what the DVD cover is supposed to represent, but it had absolutely nothing to do with this substandard low budget, worse than SyFy film. The film failed to make the "so bad it was good" list, but seemed it was trying at times.
Guide: No f-bombs, sex, or nudity. Minor swearing.
starsTHE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING
** Early plot spoilers**
I am not a fan of Tim Robbins. He bores me to tears. Think films tend to do the same. I had put this film back on the rack 4 times before I got it. Tim Robbins plays a vigilante who hates noise so he lives in NYC.. He has taken it upon himself to destroy car alarms etc. that bother him. He leaves stickers behind at scene of the crime so people know he is "The Rectifier." His wife discovers what he has been doing and suggests "close the window." Robbins is too proud to be pushed around by noise makers. "What if I want the window open?" he responds. Eventually he gets arrested again. This time he goes to jail, loses his job and his wife, who suggested he see a shrink. He gets out of jail and maintains his quest.
I enjoyed the way the movie ended, that was genius and entertaining, however the rest of the movie was not. The writers went half way to create symbolism and metaphors. They should concentrated on making the film entertaining.
The movie contains sexual scenes, nudity, and the f-bomb. What was up with the girl with the French(?) accent complaining about her ugly looking privates? I keep reminding myself not to watch any Tim Robbins films but I do anyway.
THEY'RE CRAZY WITH A CAPITAL K
Harry (Mike Doyle) is a New Orleans detective. He gets a rookie partner in Roy Cody (Danny Agha) the nephew of the mayor or something. On their first night out Cody gets too involved in a case against the advice of his more senior partner. He discovers vampires ad our two detectives get immersed in a war between two vampire factions, one that feed off of criminals, another that feeds off of children.
New Orleans and vampires, what a concept, who would have thought of it. We always like to see the decadent lifestyle of vampires. These are your mostly boring vampires who stay at home at night, dressed up in nice clothes. (Who does their laundry?) The good guys hang out at the strip club.
This is an okay film, nothing great. I think it would have worked better as a "Dylan Dog" prequel.
Guide: F-bomb, sex, stripper nudity
No Weapon Shall Prosper (2014)
DON'T ALLOW HATE TO CONSUME YOU
*****CONTAINS A SPECIFIC SCENE WHICH MAY BE A SPOILER. DOES NOT INCLUDE ENDING****
Diana (April Marcell) is a woman who wants to better herself. She is married to James (Aries Marvin Uzzle) a man who abuses her because he can. Diana compounds the problem by developing a relationship with the neighbor Langston (Ryan Harrington) named for the poet (see Black Nativity as this is becoming a fad). He is escaping a rougher life and has taken a shine to her shiner and took Diana home.
This is supposed to be a come to God film. That is fine, but the execution was ungodly.
The opening theme song stole some rifts from the James Bond theme, making you think this was going to be some kind of spy picture. The opening funeral scene, they over imposed the sound of the rain and I couldn't tell which was more annoying, it or the rant by the mistress (Terricita Copeland) who couldn't act.
April Marcell, who wrote, directed, and starred in this film had too much on the plate to be effective in any role. She is getting beat up during the film, but is far more bruised looking after the first punch to the face then the subsequent beatings. The punches looked fake, like something the WWF would do. There was an old fat Bruce Willis looking bald guy on the beach that takes on a gang by himself. Seriously April?
What had me in stitches was the scene where Diana is tied to a chair. After Big James has been using her as a punching bag with ease throughout the film, he now must chloroform her and duck tape her to a plastic lawn chair so he can punch her to the face. Diana is tough. She takes four solid hits to the face. I have personally seen grown men knocked out with half the bones in their face crushed with one such a blow. Diana, not only takes the blows, but uses her left hand to stop a punch and then knocks James to the floor with a right from a sitting position. She had a little bit of blood coming from the mouth, no doubt she accidentally bit her lip on one of the punches to the face.
You can watch it for the message or the camp.
Parental Guide: F-bomb, sex, violence to women. No nudity.
Ain't No Way Back (1990)
MY MOTHER COULD SHOOT
Also known as "Ain't No Way Back." Two guys go hunting, one is a city boy. They meet some moonshiners bothering a girl and get involved and their butts handed to them. In fact if you want to know exactly what the film is about read the back of the DVD cover for the plot spoiler. The film was basically boring without life.
Guide: F-bomb. No sex or nudity.
X: First Class (2011)
I'M MUTANT AND I'M PROUD
The movie gives you some quick backgrounds on 4 of the characters, Charles Xavier (James McAvoy), Erik Lehnsherr / Magneto (Michael Fassbender), Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) and Raven / Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence). The rest you have to guess at. And if you are like me, and have never read the comics, you are clueless and sit back and enjoy all the women in lingerie. It boils down to a good vs. evil scenario, which I can understand.
The good guys create a machine that will locate other mutants. Charles is able to cleverly locate all the mutants during a single music montage. Meanwhile Kevin Bacon wants to start an all out nuclear war so the radiation will kill all the humans and only leave the mutants. This is remake of the history of the Cuban missile crisis.
As always, great special effects. Background knowledge of the characters and other movies would be a plus, such as cameo by Hugh Jackman or Rebecca Romijn, but not necessary to enjoy the film.
The nuclear reactor controls on the submarine were totally bogus for any era. Favorite line: "I have been at the mercy of men just following orders. Never again."
F-bomb (thanks Hugh for the F.O.) sexual situations and "Avatar" nudity. Excellent prequel.
Shark Night 3D (2011)
GOOD SHARK MOVIE
DISCLAIMER: I saw this in 2D.
The movie opens up similar to "Jaws" where the girl dies (oops sorry about the early spoiler). There were some differences. The music wasn't as intense, it was broad daylight, it was a shallow water attack, it was in fresh water,and we don't see a dorsal fin until later in the film. A group of college students, including a top athlete prospect (Sinqua Walls) who wants to be monogamous head up to the Sara's (Sara Paxton) lake/gulf house for the weekend. We know they are going to encounter 3D sharks, but in addition they meet with some uncouth sexist men who should be belong in a slasher film. Nick (Dustin Milligan) has interest in Sara, but hasn't made his move.
The dialogue was fairy decent. It wasn't predictable and at times had the classic "indy" freshness to it along with some modern pop music. After the first shark attack (you knew it was coming) we discover they have no cell phone reception...then there is the mishap with their boat. What to do for a shark attack? Stay out of the water. Humans have the advantage on land, believe it or not. But that doesn't make for a good shark horror movie so we add the twist. This is not just any shark. This is a movie shark. It can swim miles in a matter of moments. It appears to go out of its way to hunt humans, even leaping out of the water to get them.
The shark special effects didn't seem that great, perhaps viewing in 3D would make them better. The movie had a few slow scenes needed to establish relationships and character. We find out Sara is a survivor out of a different horror movie. The acting was on par for B movies. Dialogue slightly better. Soundtrack slightly better.
Rear nudity, sexual situations, language.
TZW1 El Paso Outpost (2019)
Bond by loss, purpose, by survival
Zombies are runners. Desert outpost near El Paso. Why there? Brother is against brother as one becomes a "traitor." The film was poorly scripted. Extreme cliche dialogue. Excessive first-person narration by two people because they can't build character or the plot. This is the reason why people should boycott TV like I did when they canceled the original Star Trek.
As bad as a Polonia Brothers film festival.
Die sieben Männer der Sumuru (1969)
JUST A MANICURE
Jeff Sutton (Richard Wyler)shows up in Rio with a suitcase with 10 million stolen dollars. The money is wanted by both a crime boss (George Sanders) and by Sumitra (Shirley Eaton)who is building a female army by kidnapping wealthy people and taking this money. These are your typical female army with exposed legs and a woman's usual 24 inch waist.
In one scene Jeff brings a gun to a knife fight, but then uses his fist. The film also has prisoners in glass cages, women being tortured, brief girl/girl action, and the worse soundtrack I have heard in a long time. There was a background buzz for much of the film, plus the music was horrible with terrible lyrics. The pink phone with the long extension cord that can be dragged through a swimming pool was funny. The film has a fair amount of camp value. Also known as "Rio 70" and "Future Women."
Parental Guide: No f-bombs. Sex, nudity (Maria Rohm, Beni Cardoso)
Larry Crowne (2011)
HANKS COULD DO BETTER
The movie is unbelievable and I don't mean that in a good way. Hanks has worked 20 years at the U-Mart (Movie version of Walmart). He has been employee of the month 8 times and is a hard worker. Now he is being let go because he has no degree and won't be able to advance. Now in some professions I could see that happening, but for a guy who stocks shelves and pushes shopping carts? He also lives in a half million dollar home which is now worth less than the $392,000 he owes on it. (Where are those Walmart applications!) I understand they needed to get him into the school environment, but they could have written a real scenario and one that was funny and tied into the rest of the movie.
Tom Hanks downsizes his life and goes back to school. His Speech 217 teacher is a slightly unkempt, bored with life, Julia Roberts. She is equally bored in her marriage to a writer who spends most of his time watching porn on the Internet. (I can't believe there is porn on the Internet!) They split over an unlikely fight.
His economics class is taught by a narcissistic Mr. Sulu. His class mates consists of a number of colorful and quirky characters that make the movie more interesting than Mr. Hanks walking around with his polo shirt tucked in. He joins a bike/scooter gang whose initiation requirement is to able to snap your fingers in unison. Larry (known as Lance Corona to his female lead biker group) takes a job as a cook (a job he did in the Navy) at a diner. All the women seem to dig Larry, a middle aged man with a pouch. Some more of Hanks fantasy writing.
It is an easy to watch, feel good movie for bad economic times. Not much action or comedy. Drama is a bit weak too. A movie your kids could watch except for Julia Roberts dropping the F-bomb.
Tom Hanks needs to stay in front of the camera and not behind it.
F-bomb, no sex, no nudity. Awkward drunken screen kiss.
California Scheming (2014)
BE GOOD AND BE GOOD AT IT
Chloe (Gia Mantegna) lives in a divided Malibu home. Dad is in NY with a new family. Mom lives in a world of wannabe stardom playing small roles, being an absentee mom, sleeping with producers. Chloe is indeed scheming, flirty, manipulative, uses everyone, has deep anger management issues, and appears to be psychotic. She destroys the lives of the people she touches. Her idols are Charles Manson and porn star Sasha Grey. She wants to be both...i.e. look for the similarities to make sense of the production.
New girl Hillary (Rachel Seiferth) is very vulnerable following the death of her mother. Jason (Spencer Daniels) and Nick (Rachel Seiferth) get to hang out with pretty girls so they tolerate Chloe's erratic behavior.
The film had potential, except it didn't go anywhere, except that end thing which wasn't well done. I imagine this film is a statement on the effect negative role models have on troubled individuals in society, yet it would have been nice to have been tad more entertaining.
Parental Guide: F-bomb, brief sex, No nudity.