Change Your Image
Upload An Image
Crop And Save
The Frozen Ground (2013)
Not bad, but it is disturbing.
It is strange how TV series and films concentrate on murder all the time...and particularly on the murder of women. It does leave a bad taste in the mouth. There are some genuinely disturbing scenes here with women chained and mercilessly humiliated.
What is worse is then knowing that this is based on a real case. You almost rather it was fiction.
Cage does quite well in a desperate sort of way. Only gives us one half smile. throughout. This is appropriate to the subject.
Lots of gratuitous nudity.
And why, oh why, don't the producers of films check with their final edit than you can actually hear what the actors are saying...? I couldn't hear a word of dialogue in the sleazy bar.
So -- a couple of hours of entertainment about women getting slaughtered...
No Escape (2015)
Better than expected
Not an Owen Wilson fan. No idea who Lake Bell is. Like Pierce Brosnan .
Film gets off to a stonking start, which is good. Didn't want to hang about waiting for the usual set up. We are soon up and running...literally. OK...some silliness along the way. Old Brosnan doesn't have much to do except talk in a funny accent. But apart from a talky bit three quarters in the action is non stop. Which is good, because I didn't have all night.
Get the popcorn and beers in. Don't tell yer mates Wilson is in it....and you can have 90 minutes of escapism.
You can thank me later.
Cold Pursuit (2019)
Fargo wannabe that fails miserably. Save your cash
Where to begin...?
Firstly you have to question Liam Nesson's quality control when he agrees to make a film like this. Surely he doesn't need the money. He could back away from scripts like this now -- the Taken tough guy stuff has been done to death. He is better than that. To be honest, I thought he looked less than enthusiastic throughout this film.
OK. Whoever wrote this script and made this film is a big fan of Fargo -- the film and the TV series. There are too many similarities to list them all, but the snow, Denver, the multiple casual killings, the black humour etc etc.
But it is so blatant that it simply doesn't work. Yes, the humour is dark and the shootings are so frequent that you don't even blink. But it is not subtle and does not have a sense of craft about the writing. Meanwhile old Liam is sort of bumbling about in the background having little effect on proceedings.
Just to add to the mix they even shoehorn the usual obnoxious/ cute American kid into the film. Laura Dern is completely wasted. Could have phoned in her ten pages.
The villains are all comic book. The main drug dealer -- who we never see dealing or handling drugs in any way, -- Mr Viking, gives an hysterical pantomime performance that is so bad it tempts you to exit by the nearest door. He might have been good in his school plays, but there is no place for him in the movie business. Go get a real job.
I saw on another review that this is a remake. If that is the case then they should have let it moulder in its grave.
I return to my main point: Liam Nesson needs to very carefully consider his options for the future. Continuing down this vigilante role route is leading nowhere. Get yourself a new agent, pal. Start considering your reputation. Do you actually remember Schindler's List....?
Oh, and Fargo is brilliant and untouchable. Cold Pursuit is dull, predictable, annoying and disposable. Nuff said.
Perfect Stranger (2007)
Very very annoying...
Watched this on tv last night....Feb 2019.
It has dated so badly. Everything about it looks ancient. The colour, the framing, the hair, the costumes...the damn acting...!
Willis is very annoying as always with that silly smirk painted across his face. Halle Berry simply can't act is only used for eye candy.....which didn't work on me.
But worst of all is the script which flops about like a piece of wet seaweed....here there and everywhere. No sense. No direction. No story you can follow.
And the ending....well.... I love my big tv so I couldn't put my floor through it....but this mess of a film deserved a good kicking. Go through two hours meandering and dripping all over the place. And then in the final five minutes attempt to stitch together a bunch of motives for some girl's murder and pin it on.....? I don't even know as I gave up watching.
I hate films that waste my precious time.
Guess I should have read the reviews....most of which seemed to get it right. Turkey.
Finding Your Feet (2017)
Turned out exactly as I expected.......
When we are born we are allotted a finite time on this planet. Some even believe your days are literally numbered in some celestial log book. That being the case it follows that our time on this troubled planet should be used wisely. Therefore if you waste 111 minutes of your life watching this monumental cliche ridden over sentimental piece of cr*p you only have yourself to blame.
The writer watched "Hundred Foot Journey" and "Best Exotic Hotel" and decided to join in. He leafs through his already well thumbed copy of the Oxford Dictionary of Pensioner cliches and decided to use all of them -- being a subscriber to the more-is-more school of thought. With a very old spade he then shovels in bucket loads of saccharine. He then wanted to balance this with tears... "hmmm..." he thought, "I must get those old codgers to leave the cinema weeping and wailing. That way they will think they have just watched a good film. They will tell all their decrepit friends and write glowing reviews on IMDB and I will be rich. No-one under 70 should see this film. No-one over 70 with one foot dangling over the abyss like me should watch it. Unless you want to see your possible future in the demented woman dribbling in a care home or the cancer diagnosis. These melodramatic over sentimental moments are painted in with broad brush strokes. No subtlety here. The big tragic reveal in Rome of a past love dying is laughable. The writer hasn't got a clue how to make a funny sensitive film. He has probably never seen a classic British film from the late fifties or early sixties. Has never studied French cinema. To be honest I reckon he has been to the Barbara Cartland school of scriptwriting. Whilst watching this turkey trot though almost two hours of wasted celluloid it is possible to predict every coming scene and worn out storyline. This film has the distinction of being one of the very few that I have watched...reluctantly in this case dragged along by a partner...where some scenes are so vomit inducingly cute I actually had to close my eyes. I did not want a memory of it imprinted forever on my grey matter. Mass pensioner dancing accompanied by ecstatic standing crowd clapping and whooping is apart from being unrealistic so cute as to be damaging to your mind and your stomach. No idea why slimmed down Spall is made to speak in a silly semi cockney accent. No idea why Joanna Lumley is even in the film unless her name on the billing brings in punters. Minimal work for her here. No idea why the action briefly shifts to Rome unless they just wanted to add a travelogue to this dog's dinner of film. Anyone who writes a 8, 9 or 10 star review of this film should be made to reveal their age and who is paying them to write reviews. When entering the cinema to see this film the following should be printed o your ticket: 'Your sick bag is located on the back of the seat in front of you'. So take plenty of tissues -- not for the "Oh, my god, princess Diana is dead...." phoney emotional tears, but to wipe your mouth after using the aforementioned bag. Don't say you haven't been warned...............................
45 Years (2015)
"Is that paint dry yet, dearest...?"
You have to wonder why anyone thought it was a good idea to transfer this dead-in-the-water book to the big screen. You also have to wonder why two of our most respected actors would have even considered this turkey.
We are treated to a glimpse into the banal domestic lives of an old childless couple where nothing ever happens. That is until we hear about something that happened donkey's years ago.
Suddenly the wife is consumed by some kind of jealousy and proceeds to wander about aimlessly looking as if she's just been given a diagnosis of imminent death. Her husband staggers about also -- and here Tom Courtney over plays his part of a doddery old geezer, looking more like a recovering stroke victim.
And so it goes -- for ninety odd minutes. Nothing happens.
Apart that is from the most disturbing sex scenes you will ever see in a film. If you want to see two 70-odd year old people attempting to have sexual intercourse then this film is for you. For the rest of us we reach swiftly for the sick bag.
I suppose the director was going for the laid back arty look of continental cinema. The difference is that in those films something usually happens -- and the characters are at least likeable.
These two old codgers are totally boring. You do feel like slapping the pair of them.
I have great respect for both actors but would love to ask them what they were thinking when they agreed to this sleep inducing snore fest.
Avoid at all costs.
How anyone who is not being paid to say so considers this a film-of-the-year is beyond me. Those glowing reviews are suspect.....
Hacksaw Ridge (2016)
Comic book reality. They deserved better...
Although we have only just nudged our way into February I nominate this as a contender for Worst Film of 2017. It might even win.
This is a film of two halves. In fact the transition between one and the other is so abrupt that you could be forgiven for thinking you are watching two different films. The first half is comprised of two acts.
Act 1 sees us in Disneyland with a saccharine sweet love story told as only the Americans can do with a plethora of sickly smiles, gleaming perfect white teeth, pretty pastel colours and every damn country boy and country girl cliché in the teenage book of dreamy heart fluttering romance.
Act 2 Army training camp. New wet behind the ears recruits and a sergeant major set on making men of them. Familiar territory. You know the score: the recruits will be wheeled out fully formed and ready labelled from the casting department.. The tough one. The farmer boy one. The handsome one. The oddly short one. The goofy one. And the evil one who from the off sets out to make our hero's life a misery. And the signpost also tells you that an hour down the line in this film they will be best buddies. The sergeant major now does what all sergeant majors do in every boot camp film you have ever seen he yells and screams bawls and bellows just half an inch from the face of every recruit. Of course he saves the best of his decibels for our hapless hero.
Turns out our hero doesn't want to carry a rifle he just wants to be a medic. So instead of congratulating him on this noble and potentially useful choice of army career he gets bawled out and they treat him like something the sergeant major scraped of the bottom of his size twelve boots.
But with the help of his demented dad and his pretty and expertly permed smiling gal our hero escapes a court martial. The gal gives her guy a bible. We saw that coming.
Part Two: Our hero and his buddies are gathered at the foot of a cliff. The only way up to Hacksaw Ridge is via a single wide rope ladder. Atop the ridge are approximately a quarter of a million Japanese soldiers. All is quiet. And you can't help wondering why those evil Nips (their term, not mine) haven't simply chopped down the rope ladder or why they are not massed along the top lobbing mortars and grenades down on the troops below.
But we have been assured at the start of this epic masterpiece that we are watching a true story so we have to accept that this is how it happened. But that rope ladder still bothers me.
However...the troops clamber up the ladder and they are on top of the cliff – and all hell breaks loose after a bombardment from some offshore guns.
Now let me state here that I have read about the battles against the Japanese for control of the Pacific islands and am fully aware of the terrible fighting that ensued. The Japanese fought with suicidal recklessness not seen since Medieval times. But in this film that fighting is presented in such an orgiastic way with almost pornographic detail of spilled entrails, pools of glistening blood, severed limbs, decapitated heads, mangled half torsos and spaghetti shredded legs that the suspicion is that the director and writers have intentionally set out to out-gore every war film that has gone before. Every time a soldier looks up a bullet neatly penetrates his helmet and skull. Every time there is an explosion three men are catapulted into the air by some clever hidden device. And then there is more blood and guts and half- men screaming for their moms.
The tidal wave of Japs overwhelms the US soldiers and miraculously they all escape down the one rope ladder. It's not shown how they get their wounded down there but hey ho... What of our hero...? Well he is still up top – now alone with the dead and wounded that have been left behind. A few Japs take some pot shots at him but then they all disappear back to their tunnels for some chow.
Leaving our hero free to drag the wounded to the cliff edge. This is an heroic task in itself but now he has to get them to safety. He proceeds to lower them down the two hundred feet sheer cliff face. Actually there are only two blokes down there, smoking and chewing the fat. But they do a sterling job sending the wounded back to camp. Oddly no-one thinks to send a soldier or two – or twenty – up the trusty rope ladder to help our hero. They just hang around below waiting for the next dangling hospital candidate.
And so it goes on. When our exhausted hero does eventually fling himself down with a rope there just happens to be scores of his buddies waiting for him. Shame they didn't have the balls to go up and help him. But they all line up cinematically so that our hero can be led away.
At the risk of upsetting the 'Special Relationship' we have with our pilgrim brothers and sisters on the other side of the pond – and I know my fellow countrymen will understand this – Hacksaw Ridge is just too American. A much better script and a British director would have delivered a subtle, more sympathetic film with less of your usual jingoism and more of the real drama and nuances of war.
This is a true story. A story of towering heroism. Real men fighting real battles. But in this mess of a film that story has been reduced to nothing more than a comic book reality. And all concerned deserved better than that.
Side Effects (2013)
Did I just watch a different film...?
Having read the many glowing reviews of this I realise I watched a different film.
So my review will be for a film called 'Side Effects' with Jude Law.
If you want to throw away two hours of your life then this is a must-see movie. It takes all of one hour and fifteen minutes to get to anything resembling a story. Prior to that all is pedestrian, plodding along at a lazy snail's pace. A girl is depressed. Takes tablets. Gets more mixed up from the side effects -- and does something crazy. Yawn. Yawn.
Jude Law copes with this in his usual dead pan way: he does what it says on the 'I'm an actor' tin. But reaching for the off button on the remote suddenly their is a glimmer of a story, albeit a tired twist that we must have seen dozens of times before. The remainder of the film seems to quicken its step, anxious to get to the end and get it all over with. Hurrah to that, I say...!
Any film that requires a ten minute flash back to explain the oh-so- clever twist reveals nothing more than very lazy film making and a director/writer team that would do well to go back to film school...or at least study the masterpieces they are attempting to copy.
As with many disappointing films I really resent being led down the 'just-stay-with-it-and-we-promise-it-will-get-better' garden path only to find at the end I have wasted two hours of my life.
Avoid avoid avoid. Go mow the lawn or toast some marshmallows on the fire.
Before I Go to Sleep (2014)
Money back, please..............
This listing shows a length of 92 minutes but I reckon the DVD of this that I hired was not much over eighty minutes. So 'short- changed' was the phrase I uttered at the end of this -- together with, "What.....!?"
Now, with lovely Nicole and heart-throb Firth on board one would have expected something of a mini classic. So surprise surprise to find it is more of mini disaster.
The first twenty-odd minutes are somewhat intriguing and mysterious. Plenty on which to ponder as we are confused and then teased with the emerging details. But it soon becomes obvious where we are heading - - and who is the villain of the piece. This is not exactly a cerebral workout. I'm too bored still to go into detail. Suffice to say you will just need to sit there with your tipple of choice and let the film run its course.
The only disturbing feature of this film is the male on female violence as Fatty Firth gives fragile and vulnerable Nicole and good bashing towards the end.
Oh, and speaking of the end... What...?! The film simply fizzles out. Just as you expect a plot twist, a delicious screenplay tangent taking you into uncharted and unexpected story lines, the damn thing just ends. One of the weediest lazy yawn-enducing endings I have ever seen.
Left seriously short-changed and annoyed it leaves the viewer wanting to meet the director and insist that he attend a sixth form film- making class at the first opportunity. Snog marry or avoid...?
Nonsense. Dated. Lazy. Clichéd.
OK. If you are aged over twelve obviously you won't be reading this review as this is a children's film...so this review is directed at the kids.
Wow, children...you are going to love this. It begins with some clichéd bog-standard off-the-shelf stock horror movie music which sets the scene. Then we have the actual title appear in scary Hammer Horror style (sorry, you are too young to understand that reference.)
The hammy block-of-wood performances from all involved will not bother you as you will not have yet understood what real acting looks like. And the so-called storyline won't trouble you either as it moves along predictably like one of your Enid Blyton books.
Look out for some well-signposted scary bits. You will know well in advance as the music will get really tense with lots of screechy violins. Get ready for a loud bit when the director hits you with something sort of dark; it might make you jump so hold on tight to your mum's hand. She might be asleep at this point so wake her up and tell her something happened.
About two thirds of the way through it will go into an amusing final third where everything is what we call spooky and blurry with a man wandering about in a mystical place called 'Further'. He has a torch which in true horror film style he shines mostly in his own face. This might be the time to ask your mum if you can have an ice cream.
When I foolishly watched this film this is the point I left the cinema for refreshment....and never came back.
Just be sure to tell your mum if you intend to do the same.
Stick to Disney, kid. Probably scarier than this.
Olympus Has Fallen (2013)
This has to be a joke...
Someone is having a laugh....and after wasting two hours of my life on this tosh it ain't me, buddy.
Firstly, technically this film is appalling. It is so dark and gloomy it is almost impossible to see what is happening.
Secondly, the sound is dreadful. I cranked up the volume and got plenty of background noise, but the voices of these fine actors never penetrated the aural murk.
The writer obviously had the encyclopedia of clichés close at hand when writing the script. As soon as we see the mentally scarred body guard mooning around in a dejected oh-woe-is-me kinda way, miserable in a desk job, we know he is going to be the shining hero of the film. And we are not wrong.
All the villains are off-the-shelf from the Nasty Character section of Walmart. All the US army bigwigs are totally impotent, of course -- leaving the way open for Teflon Man to kill everyone in sight and save the president.
If it had of been listed as a comedy I might have chuckled -- as it was I cursed all the way back to my car. And got an earful from my wife who demanded compensation in the form of an expensive meal out.
Save yourself, men. Give in to your wife and go see a rom-com. It will result in less marital strife.
Eagle Eye (2008)
Do not waste your time or money.....
This has to be one of the worst films of all time. And Billy Bob Thornton needs questioning as to why he got involved in this nonsensical load of cinematic tosh.
It's all flash bang wallop noise car smashes explosions and no understandable content. CGI really has ruined so many potentially good films.
But there is no way this was ever going to be a good film. And it is fatally flawed in it's storyline -- if that's what you can call it. I won't go into detail as that would involve spoilers and I don't think many of you read the reviews with spoilers. i don't as I don't want the details of a film to be seen before possible viewing.
But you have been warned: do not waste a minute of your life on such lazy film making.
Le grand bleu (1988)
163 minutes of my life utterly wasted...
163 minutes of my life utterly wasted...
Unfortunately I hired the long version! A pretentious, treacle-powered snail's-pace film with terrible over-acting from Arquette.
Brief shots of the incredible dolphins. I could have watched 163 minutes of these angelic creatures.
Don't be fooled - this is a meandering mush mash that is two hours too long. Leave it on the shelf. Ignore the hype; go and hire something else - like 'The Chorus' or 'Il Postino.'
Luc Besson should be ashamed of himself.
French smash-hit, indeed. What does that say about French cinema!?
The Man Who Cried (2000)
Oh, my God....!!
It is difficult to put into words just how terrible this film really is. But, my dears, I'll try...
Cate Blanchett -- what is she doing appearing in this rubbish? -- gives a comedy performance throughout complete with Monty Python Russian accent.
Johnny Depp -- what is he doing appearing in this rubbish? -- gives a sixth-form moody performance that is truly laughable.
The story wanders all over the place; the dialogue is hilarious the supporting cast seem totally bemused by the whole thing. The Ricci girl gives a 0ne-expression performance that makes you wonder if she was on Librium.
Two hours of my life wasted....
The Interpreter (2005)
Old man makes mess of movie
With his face set in concrete, Penn paychecks his way through this film with professional , disconnected ease. Kidman is fragile and beautiful and not once displays any hint of her, "Oh, my god, their going to kill her any second!" Predicament. The almost aptly-named Pollack presents us with a mishmash plot of confusion, concoction and scriptwriter convenience that is not even close to cohesive. And if he thinks the ludicrous scene in the bus is tense he should see meal-times at our house. The interiors of the UN building was the only attraction in the longest two hours. I experienced that dreaded mid-movie moment: " Shall I wash the car tomorrow?" -- "Did I turn the cooker off?" -- "Why do men have nipples?" -- as my mind wandered away from the finely honed masterpiece being presented. Perhaps it IS time for the old-people's home, Sid...
The Island (2005)
Buy Now whilst stocks last!! Special Offer! Shop-Window Movie!!
The product placement in this film is blatant and quite astonishing. At one point Johanssen watches incredulously -- like us -- a re-run of her famous monochrome TV ad for Mr Kline. This cynical two fingers at the viewer is a hanging offence in my book. Waiting to spot the next 'big name' distracts from this supermarket-fare, 'buy-one-get-one-free' story of the good guys and the bad guys racing to catch up with your usual Romeo and Juliet couple on the run. Transfer the glossy futuristic scenery and bog standard car chases to downtown LA or New York or even Brixton on a Saturday night and you'd be watching the same tired story. There are reverberating echos here of 'Logan's Run' and 'Coma.' McGregor out-planks K Reeves, whilst Scarlett 'pouty' Johansson glows breathtakingly but has only two emotional expressions which she uses alternately, hoping, no doubt, that no-one has noticed she can't actually act. The truncated final scene said it all: Let's get out of here, back to the real world. Let's have a Coke and a Colonel Kentucky and make the world a better place in which to stroll in our Calvin Kline jeans. Let's surf the net using MSN, surrounded by the stench of capitalism. Who cares if we're all being manipulated by an invisible controlling force? Oh, we're back on the Island....